Monday, October 7, 2013

Making Room





Here is a miracle y'all: I am ten months sober today. From the day I got sober I could have grown a tiny delicate bunch of cells into a fat little ready for the world baby. That's kind of what it feels like I've done- created the miracle of a new life.

Phew.

Miracle. I love that word. It's so big, and possible. And it implies people got saved, and it was good.

When I was drinking I was full of spirits, but not full of spirit. I had a lot of prayer but it was mostly about helping me get away from booze and also about get me through this day please. Then I said the same prayers when I got sober. A lot.

I've been thinking about being spiritual. And being OK with it. As in, not embarrassed.

I've been thinking that I'm ready to pray about other stuff besides keep me sober. That I'm ready.

I believe in the universe, in nature, and that things happen for a reason. I believe that there are things and forces and energies out there fluxing and flowing making it all go. I believe if you pray and put intentions and dreams out into the universe or to your big superpower person that these forces conspire to make wishes come true if they're meant to be. I believe the universe works with you, not against you- even when you don't get what you think you want. I believe that if you are honest with yourself something backs you up. I know that when I finally soul deep down meant it when I begged to be sober it worked. I mean, something clicked.

My mother will laugh in your face if you tell her you believe in God. She finds religion, spirituality, and faith a big fat waste of time that could be better spent watching "Project Runway". I was always told that if I wanted some of God's love that was fine, but I knew secretly she would think I was stupid for even trying. After the childhood she had I know why. If I had been a little girl in her house, with her parents, I would not believe God or any other savior existed either.

There are so many lines in spirituality. There are my mother's lines, and your lines. There are the lines of those people who just look so beatific that you almost feel embarrassed that you aren't so overtaken. There are the lines that make people sinners and hell bound. There are my lines: how I want to believe in a greater force, and I do, but only in a half-hearted way that never gets anybody anywhere.

We talked about religion and spirituality in my therapy group last week. That they are not the same thing. One of the women who is Catholic spoke about the ceremony of religion and spirituality, how that gets her through hard times like death of loved ones and also what to make for dinner Tuesday night. How there is always someone there for you, whenever you need them. I want some ceremony. I want a backer. I want it for me, for my children. For my spirit.

But church can be hard to swallow. And hard to get to. And believing can seem like something for people who can't take care of themselves. So needy. So weak. And we already have to get dressed to go somewhere on at least five other days.

I drank for over twenty years searching for some salvation. Then I got sober. Now I eat too many cookies when maybe what I really need to do is pray. Maybe what I really need is some kind of spiritual connection. Some ceremony. Some believing. A way to cleanse and fill my spirit with the light and goodness that is all around and in me. Some relief. The balance we all naturally get from the universe because we be.

There is part of me that knows that I have to open my heart to the love in offering. That there is this "thing" that wants to envelop me. That because I am sober I can be not afraid to be loved, or to love back. Since I'm not drowning in a well of booze and self loathing I can actually feel the warm approval that was there all along. All along.

So maybe it really doesn't have to have a name, or a God. I can, right here, right now, embrace my spirit. I can believe because I want to. I can say it out loud, "I believe". And that doesn't mean I have to get myself to church, or that I'm going to try to convince you. It means I need something to believe in, and now here's room to open the door. :)






17 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post. Yes...you can believe. I believe and I know in my heart that He believes in you.

    Sherry

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    1. Thank you. I can, I just have to get used to it.

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  2. I'm a believer and struggle with many of the same things. Thank you for writing about this.

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    1. I'm glad to know someone else feels the same way. You're welcome. :)

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  3. Congratulations on 10 months, wooooooohoooooo!!!!!! That is HUGE!

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  4. Congrats on 10 months, Amy!

    I am going to be very presumptuous here and say that in the future, when you look back at your life and your sobriety, I think this part here, this seeking a connection, is where you will find things started to really skyrocket. this language here, this discussion we have here, this desire to have communion with the spirit...this is where we get to a new level. This isn't about not drinking any more, although it is about not drinking but in a different context of life...if that makes a lick of sense. We get past a point where, ok, I know I am pretty good at the moment in the non drinking. We aren't counting days, we aren't looking over our shoulders, we aren't obsessing. Things calm down, we get out of our little boxes, and we explore. We start to see things aren't that bad now. So then, what now? For many of us, we just know, deep down in our hearts, that there is more than this. There is something compelling us to dig deeper. Call it what you want, but there is something there. You are seeing this, you are *feeling* this, you are gently heeding to something that you sense is there. And this is wonderful to hear. You can understand why exploring this is so wondrous and exciting and vast. We can seek all of our lives, and still only know a little. That is what I enjoy about the spiritual path. Sure, we don't drink, and sharing our story and experiences regarding drinking are very important. But man, when it comes to seeking the greater stuff, it gets really groovy and interesting.

    You are right not to be ashamed. You need not be running up and down the streets shouting it out to everyone either. Create a ceremony for yourself. It doesn't have to be religious, per se. We all undertake our own spiritual journeys. i pray and meditate. Sometimes I burn sage or frankincense, sometimes not. Sometimes I have certain chanting on, sometimes not. But the important thing is that I do something. And be consistent.

    Anyway, don't want to prattle on (oops, too late) - I just wanted to say that I love seeing this here, and am so excited for you on this path.

    Awesome.

    Paul

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    1. The not drinking part was not so bad- it's been the forgiveness I suppose- and the getting to know who I am. After being separate for so long I am longing for connection. To feel part of the world, the universe. It's hard to put into words, but it's almost like that trust thing where you fall back and just trust that someone will catch you. I'm doing that, but with faith and spirit.

      Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

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  5. When I was thinking about stopping drinking I sat down and read your blog from start to finish. I liked the fact that you had only recently stopped, but you were doing it and you were fine. It made me think I could do it too. And now look - ten months! Amazing. Xx

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    1. Reading and hearing other people's stories helps me so much too. Just knowing we aren't alone and then reaching out for help by blogging and emailing. I'm so glad you are doing it too! Thanks. :)

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  6. Girl, you got me where I live. I was brought up as a strict Catholic, I brought my kids up as not-so strict Catholic. I fell away when I was drinking heavily but you can guess who I was calling to for help in the middle of the night. I would never have made it sober without my faith. Now I'm at that bashful stage where I've got something wonderful I want to show off but....I don't want to scare people off the way I've been scared off by wild-eyed zealots. I love what you say about prayer, I say my rosary every day just to change the space around me and hope somehow it spreads. I don't attend Mass regularly, I tend to think religion is man-made and it has a good purpose in teaching and support if it doesn't exploit its power. I think that for someone that wasn't brought up in a faith, it would be good to find a church that they felt comfortable with to establish a foundation. And you know how I feel about miracles...That's what you are, a miracle. All of us are.

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    1. I love this comment. That we are all miracles. Since we all are. Part of this desire for faith is also me wanting to be able to be me without putting on filters for other people's approval. Thanks for making it feel safe to believe. :)

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  7. (LOVE soberjournalist's comment from above!)

    Usually I find myself nodding in agreement whenever I read your posts, but none moreso than this one. I too grew up with a notable lack of religion, but I always wanted to believe in a god or power greater than myself. And I do, though bristle at organized religion and the thought of hauling the family to church on a sunday. It just doesn't fit and so I look to nature and serendipitous moments and things like your blog posts, which speak to me in a way I wouldn't hear anywhere else. I guess it is a journey for us.

    Congratulations on 8 months!!! It seems to me that you have so much longer, somehow, and I am glad you blog and inspire me and countless others.

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    1. Lol, I do have longer- 10 months! Ha ha ha, I got a good laugh from that. :) :)

      Thank you for saying all of that. I'll keep you posted on church research. Right now it's being in pj's listening to music on Sunday morning eating a late breakfast. :) Plus, I've been meditating. Which I am really bad at, except I'm actually starting to like it (WHAT???) instead of sitting there being angry the whole time because my brain rattles on like a crazed maniac. That's like, whoa. Getting my brain to shut up is such a relief, and that I sort of can for about 2 minutes is evidence of some sort of superforce for sure.

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  8. Oh dear, I second-guessed the 8 months after I left that comment...lol. I'm sorry about that. Happy TEN months!!

    I gotta get with the meditation again. I've heard good things about it. I never stuck with it long enough for the chitchat in my head to quiet down. Good luck!

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