So, something really awesome and terrifying happened. Good Housekeeping re-rolled out my story on their Facebook page. I commented, and then ta-da! It went in to the news feeds of all of my friends. And then my husbands' friends. I'm not totally sure about how all that works but there it went and there it be.
I was kind of "out" before. Now, I am totally "out". Card carrying sober woman: ME.
How.....cool.
I am not in the very beginning where this might have been much harder, and I'm far from an old timer where this might not really even figure. I am at this lovely place where I have some solid sober time with me and I can feel the real magic of it. I can feel how strange it feels for people to know my "secret" and then feel how particularly wonderful it is to not have to keep it.
One reason I haven't really gone to AA is the anonymity. I know it works, and I don't want to debate that. For me, I need to be able to show people who I am- what I came from. What alcoholism can look like. For me, I wish with all of my heart that there had been someone in or around my life who drank like me, but was in recovery. So by not being anonymous I could be that person now for others.
When AA started back in 1935 the world was a totally different place. But now, we have the ability to share everything with each other. And I want to share what recovery looks like from here: to change the stigma and shame that often comes when people say "I am an alcoholic" and "I am in recovery".
Addiction is a disease, not a choice. If it were a choice, a simple matter of yes or no, don't you think I would have chosen long ago to stop choosing it? Just as cancer cells are driven by nature to divide and conquer so are addicts pushed to satisfy our needy hostage selves with more and more and more until we destroy our lives but still use anyway.
I am just regular me: a woman in her early 40's who used alcohol for years to dull the ebbs and flows of life. A person who drank to fit in, to escape, and to keep myself comfortably ordinary. I didn't have any huge life wrecking event push me to stop except the vision of my hellish mediocre life in ten years if I just kept on going. I feel like there are lots more people like me out there who won't ever get to a meeting, but who will, in secret, look up things like "how do I know I'm an alcoholic" and "how do you quit drinking" and see my story and real life me: proud and unashamed of who I am. That they could see that being in recovery is not something to fear but something that makes life bearable. Liveable. Live-able.
I don't see any reason to keep that a secret.
I get nervous just thinking about it. Thinking about how people can be so mean, and judgmental. Thinking about how, when you put your life out there you invite everyone in, and everyone has opinions. I think about how I want everyone to like me, and my peacekeeping self wants to roll along with the tide and glad hand everyone without making a stand for something I fervently believe in.
Fuck that.
You may not agree with me. You may believe AA is the only way. You may believe that addiction is a choice. You may believe that addicts are all losers, and people in recovery are all boring lame-os. And believe all that- you may.
But I believe in the people who wrote to me and came to me in person to say "I'm proud of you" and "You have done a brave thing." I believe addiction touches almost everyone's lives, and there are a many different levels of it, countless different ways to heal and recover. I believe that unless some of us are brave enough to stand out people will continue to hide and never get help.
So here it is: what recovery looks like:
Amy, I like this post an awful lot! I think you are strong and brave. (And that's a lovely photo of you.) I really appreciate what you say about not being anonymous. Maybe bringing some of this addiction and recovery stuff out of its secret hiding places and more into the light of day will let more people in on getting help and making some changes. It's terrific that you're so willing to be public about this. I'm not at all there yet, but I think it's a great path to take. I hope that day in the park was as peaceful and lovely as it appears! xo
ReplyDeleteThank you. I didn't really *mean* for all of my friends past and present to know, but now I feel glad they do. Just like saying "forever" this way just fits me. You might go there, or it may not be your way- the best part us as long as it works for you it's working. Xoxo
DeleteI've "outed" myself on fb recently too...so far no mean, judgemental crudd. And if there is, maybe it's justify weeding out the jerks? Like you, I've found it freeing. We have nothing to be ashamed of.
ReplyDeleteTotally freeing. Thanks for commenting!
Delete*just* my kindle likes to help me
ReplyDeleteLol. Auto correct. Not so helpful sometimes. :)
DeleteYayyyyyyyy!!!! Just an ordinary / extraordinary person in the park. Wonderful. Love this. And I totally whole heartedly agree.. I think a shift is coming.. watch this space baby.. we are shining lights for others by not hiding or being ashamed of our addictions. Alcohol is addictive.. everyone knows that. And removing it if you can't moderate it, and then living sober is entirely possible too. If we can show how it is possible to live alcohol free then others who are trapped in a boozy misery might take the big leap too. Bravo to you. xxx
ReplyDeleteMy vision of a recovering alcoholic has always either been a sad sack chain smoking in a church basement at AA meetings or someone white knuckling it in misery. It was certainly never the way it is for me- full of life, and color. Happy! Exuberant! Over emotional! Ridiculously hard! Rewarding. Rewarding.
DeleteBy being open we can hopefully create a new image of what alcoholic looks like. Xoxoxo
Very brave. I am not there yet, but it is something to aspire to. You rock the sober look.
ReplyDeleteThank you! :) xo
DeleteThis is a great story :) And well done for having the courage to talk openly about this. All the secrecy surrounding addiction and recovery makes it not just hard for some of us to talk publicly about (I am secretly sober! how daft!), but also, I am sure, keeps many trapped in a cycle of drinking and self-hatred. People like you and Mrs D show us there is another way.
ReplyDeleteThe secrecy can make it harder- harder for people to even start because how do you get sober and not tell anyone? Booze is a huge part of your life, but then it just disappears, and then you could have to make up lies about why you aren't drinking. People cheer when you quit smoking, why couldn't we be proud of people for quitting drinking? Thank you for commenting. Xo
DeleteBeautiful post, beautiful photo.
ReplyDeleteThank you! :)
DeleteI think *our* anonymity is *our* choice. I am in a 12 step program but I have my words and face all over the internet sharing my recovery. Its sharing *other people's* stuff that is non-negotiable.
ReplyDeleteIf we were on FB I would "like" this post. I really did like it so much. I love that you show the "normal, regular, everyday" in recovery. <3
Oh!!!! Annette!!! I never once ever thought of it that way! Thank changes my thinking some. How cool. :)
DeleteI tore out your article from good housekeeping and put in a day runner which u found today in my hubby's truck. I am so glad I found it for today will be my first day without my vino . Reading that article gave me courage
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best. Keep reading- there are lots of wonderful blogs out there to keep you going. Xo
ReplyDeleteBravo!! And because of your bravery to do the article inGH, I am now on day108!!!!! You go girl shout it to the rooftops!!! Or not..... Sometimes I just put on this quiet little sober smirk proud of every new day that I wake up sober! Thank you Amy!
ReplyDeleteOh!!!! That makes my day!!!!! I love the sober smirk, I get it too. Thank you so much for commenting. Xoxo :) :) :)
ReplyDeleteYou already know how I feel about the whole anonymity thing...counter productive.
ReplyDeleteIn my eyes, recovery is a beautiful young mother with a kind and loving heart sitting on a park bench and her name is Amy. It's also a woman in her early 50's who is fiercely loyal to her friends and family with an equally kind and loving heart and her name is Sherry. And it's an entire community of people who have decided to "out" ourselves an say yep, I'm an alcoholic and I refuse to hide or be ashamed. In fact...I'm proud to be recovering. I'm a warrior!
Bravo my friend,
Sherry
I like what Annette said about anonymity- that we can be all out, but you have to keep other's things private. I am all for that. Thanks as always for your kind words. And fir being right on out there with me. Xoxo
Deletethis post made me want to smile and cry at the same time. I am so proud of you. I totally get that you wouldn't have done this on FB by choice but you are choosing to rock it. Your blog post on 'forever makes me safe' is one of my sober mantras that has got me to 130 + days. Love you in the park!
ReplyDeletelet's be a crowd! do you know I keep googling variations on 'number of sober people in UK' and that statistic is not even out there? I hope and pray that that we are the brave sober pioneer ladies in our bonnets rocking across the prairies in wagons on the way to making a new sober world!
Thank you! Forever has saved me many many times. I have a feeling in 5 more years sober folk will be much more common. We are rolling across prairies in our UNcovered wagons! Xoxo
DeleteOk Amy on day 3 it's working I can't thank you enough ps so does my liver
ReplyDeleteLiver gratitude is very important- that one works hard. Read about all the things the liver does and then be amazed that you're still alive. I was! Gooood livers!!! And gooood Lora!!!! Xoxo
DeleteWonderful post Amy....
ReplyDeletei think Annette put it very well about anonymity. I celebrated 3 years yesterday with a FB post and lots of congratulations. I posted a pick of my 12 step sober calculator...not AA sober calculator, 12 step. Hiding in plain sight, I know...12 step is obviously AA. But when you read articles or see interviews with people in AA, they will use the term 12 step. That covers the anonymity aspect for themselves. They will also not ever talk about another person's alcoholism...they, we, protect the anonymity of our fellow AA's.
I have no shame about either my alcoholism or the way I treat it. I happily share it one on one with anyone, and I have a blog where I talk about my own alcoholism openly. But I am really grateful that it is MY choice and that no one else will out me. That basic tenet of anonymity keeps people coming back to AA and other 12 step programs. There are many people that do not feel comfortable being as open as you or I, and that's their right too.
The actual tradition reads: "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and film". AA has no spokesperson on a public level, or at least that is the way it is designed. If I were a famous recovering alcoholic and talked about AA all the time, and then relapsed, that might give someone else the idea that AA doesn't work. And it doesn't, not for everyone, which is fine. There are many routes to sobriety, happily so.
Like I said, I am out and proud and happy to talk recovery anytime with anyone On a group level I speak about a 12 step program that helped me, one to one I talk AA. It protects everyone, including the organization itself.
Have you seen the film The Anonymous People? I think you can get it on Netflix..it's wonderful and addresses a lot of what you talk about here, the stigma, which I agree has to be changed, and I think is changing as science discovers so much about addiction and the way our brains work. No more sad-sack chain smokers or white-knucklers.....living openly sober and in recovery is the best.
'Our sobriety explains us, but it does not define us' Beautiful Amy :)
ReplyDeleteI love this - i don't think I want my sobriety to be my secret. I am sober 31 days and not quite ready to proclaim myself victorious yet, but I'm getting there. The battle with the voice in my head (wolfie) is getting easier and he is losing power. I want to be able to say I don't drink because I am an alcoholic. I was very high functioning so I'm sure there would be some shocked people, but those who know me best would probably not be surprised. Amy, it was your article in Good Housekeeping that led me to all these sober blogs and finding Belle's 100 day challenge and now being 31 days sober! and....thinking that I am now ready to out myself to live a sober life - so thank you
ReplyDelete