Monday, June 2, 2014

Reading Books About Drunk People

I just finished Drunk Mom. I read it since one of my very favorite blog friends, Thirsty Still, read it.

The book reminded me of how excited I would be on the way to the wine store: the giddy relief of giving myself the go-ahead, that I was going to drink. It brought back the sense of acceptance- that I never really had a choice in the matter anyway- that once I considered it I was going to drink. I could feel how it felt to pour that first giant glass of sauvignon blanc, adding ice because it was warm. How wonderful it felt to sneak out the sliding glass door. How I stood on that grey paver at the bottom of the stairs and lit a cigarette. I finished my first glass and the smoke at the same time. The bones deep relief of that. The feeling that I was getting away with something. That I was an adult- finished with a day of work and relaxing with wine and a smoke. The feeling that no one, not even me, could stop me.

It brought back the awfulness of my youngest's first year- me suffering from postpartum and boozing and breastfeeding and training for a marathon and picking up smoking again. I would sometimes go out with work friends and not come home- blacked out and coming to in a guilty rush on someone's couch. Slinking home at seven in the morning. I feel sick just thinking about it- anxious, nervous. God, it really sucked.

It's so wonderful to remind myself that I am here- almost a year and a half sober. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

I was disappointed that the book was almost all stories about being falling down drunk out making stupid decision after stupid decision. Why are the parts about being in successful recovery so small in most of these books when it's the recovery part that is so damn interesting? I would much rather read about how she dealt with beginning sobriety, what it was like a year in, how she changed as a person and as a mother while she maintained her sobriety.

The recovery part is the one that deserves all the chapters, not all the black out wasted stories that we can all tell in some way or another. I woke up not remembering going to bed more times than I want to mention: How did I get here? What did I say? Do you really need to read more stories about how I screwed up again because I had ten gin and tonics? Or would you like to know about how I dealt with it when things went wonky in my recovery group instead?

I feel like I've read it all the flotsam and jetsam before. I know the shame of it, but I haven't read anything about the recovery of it. The good part. The part that would inspire people to, you know, not be drunks anymore. The part where I sit in the den discussing my recovery stuff with my mom and my husband like we're talking about just regular old stuff. The part about how I had an awful day at work and then ran over a block and blew up the A/C in the car and then the kids were cranky and there was nothing for dinner and I still didn't drink. The parts we write about in our blogs- that should be in books out there for everyone to see. That's why I love Anne Lamott- she alludes to how bad it was, but then focuses on how good it is.

When I read books like Drunk Mom I feel comforted in a way- "I was kind of like that" I say to myself "but not that bad". Does it make people choose to not quit because they think that just being home having a bunch of wine isn't as bad as all that? What if you're just a boring old housewife getting drunk three or four times a week and not almost freezing to death? I didn't drink during the day. I was just starting to feel like I had to hide the amount I was drinking, but not that I was drinking. It makes me feel sort of under-qualified. Did I really need to stop? (Yes) I didn't do all that crazy shit. (Yet)

I think that bad enough to quit is when you know it, it isn't like a race: "And in first there's the woman who wrecked the car and lost custody of her children and now she's in jail. In second the lady who has vodka in her coffee. In third the woman who screams at her children and is drunk by bedtime! Oooop! Here comes the woman who has two or three glasses of wine a few times a week and it just makes her life suck some!" Justified sobriety is the pits. It doesn't make you the winner to have had more fucked up things happen to you, it just means you probably should have stopped sooner.

The only question needs to be "Does your addiction hurt your life?" and if the answer is "Yes" then it's bad enough. The inner suffering on it's own is plenty "that bad".

We all win when we choose to cross the finish line and stop drinking. We all get first place, and medals, and trophies, and parades. Anyone can qualify, everyone can win. Reading these kinds of books are good reminders, but they don't need to be the only reminders we read.



19 comments:

  1. I totally agree- I love hearing about the recovery aspect instead of the drunken stories. Your experience with your first child in that first year sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes I wonder how many of us there are, really, and feel so dang glad that I came to a place where I didn't have to do that to myself anymore. And found people like YOU who are no longer doing that anymore, either. I am so grateful to be sober. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish there were more women willing to tell their stories- there's so much shame and hardness and wanting the perfect newborn experience and sometimes it's overwhelming. I was so overwhelmed I didn't even know I was so overwhelmed- I didn't stop long enough to take a look. People like US can change that. :) xoxo

      Delete
  2. Hear hear! I absolutely agree. I've not read this particular book, so can't comment on that, but I do think some of these types of books end up like the "misery memoir" genre in competing with each other in the awfulness of the stories. Publishers must look for the most drama, and be on the look out for people with the worst "drunk stories". And the truth is more complex than that for most of us. We don't have to get arrested or end up in hospital to have a problem with alcohol and for it to have a massive negative impact on our lives. Like you, I read things like this, and partly comforted, say to myself, well at least I wasn't *that* bad, but at the same time end up doubting myself and wondering if I really needed to quit after all. The thing that I love about sober blogs that you don't find in published memoirs are these every day stories about recovery from women who could be me, who I can totally identify with. Like you :) Thanks for the blog! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, the whole misery memoir thing is so....ugh. Thank goodness for sober blogs- all these ongoing stories of successful and struggle-y recovery. It is a beautiful thing. xoxo

      Delete
  3. I've had to remind myself a few times why I stopped drinking because if I compare myself to others, I wasn't nearly as bad. People close to me weren't shocked that I stopped drinking as much as they were that I identify as an alcoholic. I probably could have gotten away with telling everyone that I stopped drinking for health reasons and they wouldn't have thought twice. But I am an alcoholic and I know that drinking was eating a hole in my soul. I think people who write books about finding sobriety think that we want to be entertained by the gruesome stories. Sobriety isn't really entertaining - it's just life! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I disagree- I think sobriety is very entertaining!!! What's boring is reading the same story over and over again. These sober lives are the real meat of it- what we discover after being numb for years, how we come out of hiding, how we become people again.

      I always remind myself that I wasn't that bad- YET. I would have been, it was only a matter of time. Addiction is a progressive disease.

      Eating a hole in my soul is the perfect way to describe it. Thanks for your comment. :) xoxo

      Delete
  4. Great post and I also completely agree. I wouldn't chose to read this book because as MTM says it feels a bit 'drinking misery lit' or 'drinking pathography' xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I wouldn;t say you're missing anything. You could read the last few pages I suppose. It's so disappointing when all the memoir focuses on is the drunk part! xoxo

      Delete
  5. I love this title! To the point. I don't remember reading any books about drunk people before I stopped drinking, but maybe that is when it would have been most helpful. For 3-6 months after I quit is when I read the most memoirs and yes, felt like 75% rehashing and even romanticizing at times. Intervention the TV show was more like 99% train wreck, which is why I stopped watching it too. I got sucked in fine, but where was the redemption and hope? I think it is here in healthy portions in the blogs. So thank goodness for the blogs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, gah, Intervention made me want to run off to a cave. I will never forget watching one right after I quit and the man went back to drinking after years and years of sobriety. We're such a screwed up society- we want all the guts and gore but none of the kumbaya.

      I read "Drinking: A Love Story" so many times before I quit. I borrowed it from a friend one night while we were drinking together and never gave it back. I read LIT before I quit too. I wanted to quit so much, and I wonder if the recovery part of these stories had been stronger if it would have helped.

      And yes, OUR BLOGS!!!!! :) :) :) That's where I finally found some people I thought could help me. And y'all do. Every day.

      Delete
  6. Ha ha.. just quietly that is exactly what my book is about. Recovery. Not drunken exploits.. getting sober. I felt exactly the same way about Drunk Mom.. the bit at the end where she got sober was too brief! Lovely post.. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I WAS SO HOPING YOU WOULD SAY THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Delete
  7. Maybe you will be the one to write a rip roaring *recovery* book and tell your story of how you came back to life and being present in each moment. I hope so.....I love reading about your real and authentic self. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe! Thank you. Your support gives me comfort. :) xoxoxo

      Delete
  8. Amy, this is a great post! It reminds me why I want be sober. You are amazing and inspiring to me! I keep reading all of these books, but it's the blogs that are most helpful….when I feel like complete sobriety is impossible, I have to read the blogs and remember I can do it. If these women can do it I can do it.
    Jenny G.

    ReplyDelete
  9. If you want to hear about coping in recovery try reading Sober is the New Black. It's written comparing Then with Now and explains the difficulties in recovery better than I have read elsewhere.

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00HZIGNLU

    ReplyDelete
  10. I feel the same way about these books, which is why I haven't really read any of them. Yes, we can compare notes. Yes, I was worse than you here. No I didn't do that. Blech. Also, I feel like I'm the person slowing down while driving by an accident. Guilty but can't look away. So I just don't read. Reading through the comments, I'm glad others also agree that blogs are usually a much better source of the reality of sobriety/not drinking. Also can't help but get excited for Mrs. D's book, which I'm sure will be all sorts of fantastic :) Thanks for the great post and for sharing your thoughts. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  11. It's important to keep tabs on those varying accounts and testimonies of people regarding alcohol addiction. Their experiences are a plethora of mini narratives about themselves, each with their own unique insights and social details to share, which can help us be more wary about the impacts of our own habits, and the multivalent nature of it all. I'm happy that you find yourself clean and sober for almost a year and a half now. Keep it up!

    Scott McKinney @ Midwest Institute For Addiction

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thank you for expressing what I've been thinking! I've read a number of drinking memoirs and
    Always came away with..."I'm not that bad,". Then continue drinking my wine every night or two.
    I've been reading all you wise women and men of the blogging world and decided it's my time now,too
    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete