Sunday, July 6, 2014

Little Things

I got a haircut last week. My first one since I've been sober. I haven't had a haircut in over two years. I've been sober for almost nineteen months. It seemed like about time.

There are so many things I put off. Things I swear I'll make time for next week, or tomorrow, or in the fall.

Like haircuts. Going for a walk. Erasing some things from my mind that just don't need to be keeping up on the rent.

It seems like such a small thing to take an hour or so to trim the ends of my growing long hair. It has given me no small amount of pleasure to braid it and not feel the tiny frustration at the dried rough ends poking out from my pony elastic. To pull my braid forward over my shoulder and finger the smooth ends: a sign of upkeep, a sign of self care.

I continuously puzzle over the chore of taking care of myself. The in between of putting forth some effort and working on conscious avoidance.

I got new glasses. It took me two weeks to get around to it after the double vision doctor told me to, but I finally did. It has not helped my vision much but it makes me feel better to know that I didn't blow it off. And it's fun to have a new pair of specs. They are big and square like I like and transparent grey. I decided on them all by myself: no asking anyone but me if they were what I wanted.

I quit my recovery group and have decided not to join the next group my therapist is starting. It took me weeks of anxiety and soul searching to decide that I had to urge myself towards other unknown things. I am on my own again: me, my blog, and books as my therapy while the universe conspires.

I made flaky pillowy biscuits this morning. I even got out the food processor and shut up the voice that whined that it was too much trouble. I let the kitchen be messy-ish and a bit floury. I took my time and drank my coffee. Asked my husband to relax at the table and talk to me. I let the biscuits rest for twenty minutes before they went into the oven. We made the children cups of tea since we were out of orange juice.

I read Just Kids by Patti Smith this week. It pushed me. It freed me- it acknowledged the artist in me and made me want to let her more out. It made me want to write and write and take loads of pictures and remember to take the time to feed my soul and not just my face for solace and repair. It made me feel like I can be more brave about what I write here and there and to not listen to the voice in my head that warns me about sounding weird or not like everyone might want me to. I love all that when it comes from a book.

Do you ever forget to add up your self full stuff? Forget to give yourself credit for the little things you do to care for yourself? I do, I so do. I forget that it's OK to get a haircut. To spend time picking out new glasses. To stop doing something because inside I want to and that's all the reason I need. To make a simple lovely breakfast slowly. To get some insight from someone else's written about life.

I used to try to get all that stuff from getting drunk. It works a lot better this way, hands down. It stays with me instead of draining away with my hangovers, guilt, and headaches. The self full stays here as long as I remember to pay attention to it, to look at it. I don't feel bad when I think about biscuits and walks and books and new glasses. And I feel better when I think about taking it slow to find the things this week will bring. My spirit moves because I let it go.




24 comments:

  1. Oh yeahhhhhh baby you are speaking my language. Little pauses are sooooooo powerful. I love this.. xxxx

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  2. Now that my kids are grown I'm much better at the outside stuff. Cut and color my hair. Mani-pedi, waxing, etc. Partly because I have to present myself well for work and mainly because I have the TIME. But the inside stuff? Convincing I'm worth the effort, or the money, or that 15 minutes of meditation or 30 minutes of yoga is a good idea (or...ahem...shopping at Whole Foods)? Yeah...not so much. Still working on it though! Glad I'm in good company too.

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  3. Love love love! Writing and taking pictures and picking out new glasses (by yourself--how brave is that!) and getting a haircut and telling that inner edit voice to shush now for a while--it all sounds great. As you noted on my post earlier, I'm also getting lots out of the little things. I sure wish I could have a little taste of one of those lovely biscuits you made! I can forget about all those things too and how much better I feel when I do them. I'm looking forward to all the great moments you have! xoxo

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    1. Oh, I wish you could have a taste of those biscuits too. They were goooood.

      Self trust is a toughie. But every day we get better at it. xoxoxo

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  4. I love this post. This is exactly where my head is at the moment, I don't just want to strip back, I want to 'build'. As the energy, money and time spent on drinking becomes available I am getting excited about the things I can enrich my life with now that I have made the space!

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    1. Finding pleasure in the little things has helped me immensely. Things don't have to be all momentous and symphonious to matter.

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  5. That book sounds lovely. I'll add it to the queue. Have you read The Artists Way? That also inspired me to be less of a censor in my own writing. I love weird and most other folks do too! Please, open up and write what you'd like ... I have a feeling most of us would stick around :)

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    1. I haven't read The Artists Way yet. But it's on my list. I have several books I'm reading at once now, and I was just talking myself into finishing them so I could add more. :) Thanks for your kindness. :) xoxoxo

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  6. Amy, what a wonderful and thought provoking post. I needed to read that today! Being content, seeing the little things, taking care of ourselves and not longing for more than what is in front of us….or that drink - this is my hope. It comes with sobriety. Lord help me stay sober today.
    Jenny G.

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    1. Little things make the big ones seem more manageable. Xoxo

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  7. I loved this post. I think that life can be a much gentler journey when we allow ourselves to slow down, to look around us, to take the time to trim our hair, but new glasses, to think...it's like depositing into our soul, filling us up so that we have something to offer later....to ourselves and our families. ❤ Glad you tended your own garden for a minute. And yeah sherry....waxing?! LOL

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    1. There's something special about taking the time to nourish yourself- your self only. Especially because no bounty comes from depleted soil. But I still ain't waxing! ;)

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  8. I love this post too! It feels gentle and strong at the same time, and it really touched me. Thank You.

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    1. Thank you, Sue. I generally feel gentle and strong all at the same time, it's the weakness gets me- in good and bad ways.

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  9. Taking the time to notice little things makes me feel more connected to my soul, my source. I argued with myself over buying the new Miranda Lambert CD and finally did it. I can't describe the rush of joy it gave me! In recovery, there are things we have to deny ourselves to get healthy but I sometimes forget to fill myself back up with what heals me. Lovely post Amy.

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    1. Karen I am the same way- I purposefully keep something small from myself for no real reason whatsoever. I'm glad you bought it- and I hope we both can get better at this. Thank you. :)

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  10. The one way to keep up is to make the next appointment before you leave and pu it on the calendar. Then you have committed!

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    1. Yes! That's the best way to get back- especially since I don't like to cancel appointments.

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  11. Hi, Amy. I found your blog from the magazine article about your experience with recovery. I confess I googled it when the writer told me they chose someone else for the story. :) Just wanted to send you some love. Also, I loved Just Kids.

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    1. Thanks for the love! Lol confession. I would have too. :)

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