Friday, January 9, 2015

Ground + Connect

Happy New Year!

So much has been changing around here that I haven't made time to sit and connect in weeks. I've been situating myself into working two jobs for a while which has made things a little wonky. "Oh no!" everyone says. "Two jobs?" everyone says. "How will you do it?" everyone says, and then shakes their heads and looks like they've just smelled something funny. Do they doubt me or just feel sorry for me? I am kind of worn out by trying to convince everyone, including me, that it will be fine. It's only until April.

It will be fine.

Did I mention that my other job is waiting tables? At night? In a fancy-ish restaurant where there's loads of good wine and clever cocktails? Yes, I've been opening and pouring wine. Carefully carrying full martini glasses. I've been to a wine tasting. And sniffed and smelled and passed mine on to my neighbor. It amazes me how much I used to know about wine, and how much I don't know anymore. Somehow without the tasting it just isn't the same.

It isn't the same. Thank God.

It is fine.

I have moments, seconds, of twinges of wishing I could do it. Drink normally. When I open a bottle of something lovely for a couple to share and they settle into the warmth of that first glass I miss drinking so much for a minute. But then I take myself to the end of my night: me, drunk. Outside in the cold. Smoking too many cigarettes and pouring wine down my throat urgently wanting that warm just for a moment feeling back from that first glass of wine. I take myself to all the mornings I woke up hungover and so depressed and guilty. Then I am sober and happy and fine. And I go have some water. It has taken concentration and control but I can do things like that.

I have noticed that I have been doing the hibernating thing I do when there's a lot to think about. When I was thinking about my word for this year I thought about that. About how I have stopped blogging. How I have eased back on my connections with friends. How I have stopped being connected to myself. How I need to find my feet again. Life has needed a lot of arranging for the past six months- there have been big decisions to make and health concerns (no answers yet). It can get overwhelming.

I think it all started when my recovery group went sideways and I lost a big sober outlet. I sort of flung myself out into the world without a net and then got lost in the atmosphere. I'm still sort of new at this and so when I get knocked around a bit I am still not very used to reaching out and saying help. So when I was thinking about 2015 I knew I needed to reconnect with my sober life. That I needed to stop being alone in my cave and come on back out onto solid ground. To find my feet again.

It's hard, when you are being sober and figuring things out about yourself, when people question your passion and your intentions. I am very passionate about my sobriety and I sort of lost that after I left the recovery group, because of what happened in group. Which means, instead of hiding and being safe from others (which is what I've realized I was doing) I need to find a group that fits for me. I need to put it back out there to the universe that I'm strong enough to put myself out there again.

That's where the ground comes in. My head is often in the clouds- all involved in it's own thinks and thoughts and none of those are about my feet on the ground. For me I need a strong base so that when something happens I can remain safe on my own two feet. I still struggle with a lot of self doubt: who am I really? what do I stand for? what do I believe? who do I want to be? I think that spending most of my life drinking has taken the opportunity to find those answers and cement them a lot more difficult. As a peace keeping people pleaser it is hard for me to know who I am when I am made up of  molding myself to fit so many other people. How to un-shape and un-pretzel into standing straight on my two feet me.

Luckily I have grown patient. I have untangled enough to know that things take time. I can look at this next year with tolerance and not feeling that unsettling urge to be all fixed all at once today right now. I made a New Year's resolution to mind my posture. It seemed kinder than promising myself my typical promise: lose weight. I made a decision to meet myself the way I am today, not some version of me I wish I were, but the version of me I am. All that head speak about "I need to be             and then I'll be OK" is bullshit for me. It's like smoke and mirrors- it distracts me from living. It's like a trick my mind plays to keep me from growing because it's comfortable right here. If I concentrate on all this flim and flam then I stay right where I am: promising to quit drinking, to lose weight, to be a better wife, a better mother, a better anything that what I am today.

So instead I'm going to sit up straight, I'm going to stand tall on my two feet and find the ground. I'm going to be brave and connect even when I'm afraid that people are judging me and think I'm a fake and I'm doing it all wrong. I'm going to open myself to connection again. Blog again. Put intentions out into the universe again and not be afraid of the things that come. Ground + connect.






14 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you're back out here!!! I was thinking about you the other day and hoping you'd start blogging again soon. This was a whopper! So much wisdom in one post is amazing.

    Love having you back.
    Sherry

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  2. I am glad you are pushing out of that hibernating cocoon. I do that too...isolate myself when I struggle with life. I am working my way back out of it too since the New Year. I went 9 days without even leaving my house and probably would have stayed there if I didn't have work starting back up. I love your resolution to sit up straight and be brave. People are too busy being worried about they say and do, to be able to focus anything else. We all have flaws and just want people to accept us as we are. *hugs*

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    1. I have to tread the fine line between hibernation and isolation. Hibernation is OK, but isolating isn't. My grandmother was agoraphobic and so I have to extra watch it just in case. But I am a firm believer in taking time alone if you need it. Thanks for your comment. :)

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  3. 'I made a decision to meet myself the way I am today, not some version of me I wish I were, but the version of me' I love this line Amy :) Nice to have you back - I've missed your words xx

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    1. Thank you! I've been here in spirit. xo

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  4. Thanks for a great post Amy. So much of what you say resonates with me. "I need to be and then I'll be OK" This is what I need to do! And to make a decision to meet myself as I am today and not some other version of myself... I like this too. Thank you! A x

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    1. Thanks for commenting! I struggle to be OK as I am, but when I think about it and stay patient with myself it helps.

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  5. I'm so glad you posted. I spent 2014 reading a ton of sober blogs during my first year sober and your site helped me a TON. Thank you for sharing. I'm making a promise to comment more on others' blogs (I'm far too lazy to blog myself). I love the sober community you and others have built on your sites.

    I decided today what my word for 2015 will be and it is "still." As I enter my second year of sobriety, I strive to be quiet, listen, pause, sit (up tall, now I will remember that too) and centered. I've never done a word of the year, but this feels right.

    Good luck with your busy schedule and I do hope your health improves. Take care of yourself first!

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    1. I am taking good good good care of myself. I know what you mean about being still- and that's kind of what I was writing about- I think I get so attached to the thinking that I forget to be quiet and see. Thanks for your kind words :)

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  6. Amy, I'm so glad to see you here, grounding and connecting. I hear you on how hard it is to try to keep connected. Like you, I spend a lot of time lost in my head, and I think it might be good for me to do more of this recovery stuff in the flesh and not just online, though I'm not sure how to go about that, and I'm ever grateful for online connection and don't mean to diss that at all. All that is to say, let me know what you do sort out on this! Re your two jobs: yes, you can do it. You're tough, and it's only for a few months, and you've done hard things before. I'll cheer you on from the sidelines!!! I think as we get further from the drinking, it's less of a temptation to be around drinking and more a reminder that it's a world we don't want to be in anymore. I'd find the wine smelling hard, though, as it all smells awful to me, now. Lovely to hear from you. Big love to you, brave and connected! xo

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  7. so much stronger than i am. you inspire.

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