Happy New Year!
So much has been changing around here that I haven't made time to sit and connect in weeks. I've been situating myself into working two jobs for a while which has made things a little wonky. "Oh no!" everyone says. "Two jobs?" everyone says. "How will you do it?" everyone says, and then shakes their heads and looks like they've just smelled something funny. Do they doubt me or just feel sorry for me? I am kind of worn out by trying to convince everyone, including me, that it will be fine. It's only until April.
It will be fine.
Did I mention that my other job is waiting tables? At night? In a fancy-ish restaurant where there's loads of good wine and clever cocktails? Yes, I've been opening and pouring wine. Carefully carrying full martini glasses. I've been to a wine tasting. And sniffed and smelled and passed mine on to my neighbor. It amazes me how much I used to know about wine, and how much I don't know anymore. Somehow without the tasting it just isn't the same.
It isn't the same. Thank God.
It is fine.
I have moments, seconds, of twinges of wishing I could do it. Drink normally. When I open a bottle of something lovely for a couple to share and they settle into the warmth of that first glass I miss drinking so much for a minute. But then I take myself to the end of my night: me, drunk. Outside in the cold. Smoking too many cigarettes and pouring wine down my throat urgently wanting that warm just for a moment feeling back from that first glass of wine. I take myself to all the mornings I woke up hungover and so depressed and guilty. Then I am sober and happy and fine. And I go have some water. It has taken concentration and control but I can do things like that.
I have noticed that I have been doing the hibernating thing I do when there's a lot to think about. When I was thinking about my word for this year I thought about that. About how I have stopped blogging. How I have eased back on my connections with friends. How I have stopped being connected to myself. How I need to find my feet again. Life has needed a lot of arranging for the past six months- there have been big decisions to make and health concerns (no answers yet). It can get overwhelming.
I think it all started when my recovery group went sideways and I lost a big sober outlet. I sort of flung myself out into the world without a net and then got lost in the atmosphere. I'm still sort of new at this and so when I get knocked around a bit I am still not very used to reaching out and saying help. So when I was thinking about 2015 I knew I needed to reconnect with my sober life. That I needed to stop being alone in my cave and come on back out onto solid ground. To find my feet again.
It's hard, when you are being sober and figuring things out about yourself, when people question your passion and your intentions. I am very passionate about my sobriety and I sort of lost that after I left the recovery group, because of what happened in group. Which means, instead of hiding and being safe from others (which is what I've realized I was doing) I need to find a group that fits for me. I need to put it back out there to the universe that I'm strong enough to put myself out there again.
That's where the ground comes in. My head is often in the clouds- all involved in it's own thinks and thoughts and none of those are about my feet on the ground. For me I need a strong base so that when something happens I can remain safe on my own two feet. I still struggle with a lot of self doubt: who am I really? what do I stand for? what do I believe? who do I want to be? I think that spending most of my life drinking has taken the opportunity to find those answers and cement them a lot more difficult. As a peace keeping people pleaser it is hard for me to know who I am when I am made up of molding myself to fit so many other people. How to un-shape and un-pretzel into standing straight on my two feet me.
Luckily I have grown patient. I have untangled enough to know that things take time. I can look at this next year with tolerance and not feeling that unsettling urge to be all fixed all at once today right now. I made a New Year's resolution to mind my posture. It seemed kinder than promising myself my typical promise: lose weight. I made a decision to meet myself the way I am today, not some version of me I wish I were, but the version of me I am. All that head speak about "I need to be and then I'll be OK" is bullshit for me. It's like smoke and mirrors- it distracts me from living. It's like a trick my mind plays to keep me from growing because it's comfortable right here. If I concentrate on all this flim and flam then I stay right where I am: promising to quit drinking, to lose weight, to be a better wife, a better mother, a better anything that what I am today.
So instead I'm going to sit up straight, I'm going to stand tall on my two feet and find the ground. I'm going to be brave and connect even when I'm afraid that people are judging me and think I'm a fake and I'm doing it all wrong. I'm going to open myself to connection again. Blog again. Put intentions out into the universe again and not be afraid of the things that come. Ground + connect.