Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Work of Reality

What a relief- to blurb and bleat all of my inner dialogue out into the world. Like sharing a too big secret, today things don't seem so big. They are the same, but manageable again.

Something I know about myself is that I am not good at asking for help, I'm not good at placing value on my own wealth of feelings. I tend to minimize things until they end up screeching at me. I was so angry that no one has been as scared as I have been, and in doing that I have been discounting my own self.

I had a couple good snotty cries. I told my husband about my fears, and I reminded myself to stand in my own two feet- that even if it sounded totally stupid it wasn't.

Blasted reality. There's the way I want to see the world, and then there's the way things really are. I've known for a while now that it's much simpler to accept the things that are true rather than wallpaper and shellac over it. It's when I forget the security of surrender that I start to feel frantic and too big for my skin.

I went back to bed this morning and slept. I did some yoga. I meditated. I didn't have coffee. I could have gotten up, poured coffee down my throat, and forced myself through another day. But I didn't. I'm thankful that I'm learning how to recognize what I really need, and to ignore what I want, and then actually do the things I need. Whoa.

I'm still afraid. I'm still thinking about all the unsure-ness about the future. It's true that the one you feed is the one that gets stronger. So I'm going to feed the one that keeps me grounded. And I'm going to remember if I'm behind a wall and I'm on fire I have to make sure that someone, even me, can see the smoke.

6 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing. I really needed to hear this today. Especially the part about not putting value on your own feelings. I know I can discount myself and my worth so easily and sometime I just need a little self-care for myself. :)

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  2. Amy, I'm so glad you were able to write about all this and that you had a good cry. I'm only now getting a change to comment but I've been quite floored with your last few blog posts. You're dealing with so much, and who wouldn't be freaking out a bit? It doesn't seem strange to me that you're scared. I'm scared for you. (I hope it's OK to say that.) I know you're strong and can handle things and all, but this is s a crazy amount of stuff to be handling and yes, I see that just talking about it and having a cry can start to make it seem manageable. I've been calling out to the lake saying my Hello Amys (a bit like Hail Marys maybe?) but I've been wanting to send you a proper email. In the meantime, sending you a big hug and lots of love. xo

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