Friday, October 2, 2015

Differently

  Getting sober is about doing things differently. You for real decide, "oh hey, I'm not going to drink anymore" and then that day you don't drink anymore. On that before dinner you don't pour a giant glass of wine over and over again until you blackout. Then the next day you decide it again: differently. You drink seltzer and breathe and push and pull while you stand in the kitchen wondering how the hell you're going to manage making dinner without wine. A week passes and you are still differently. A month. Holy shit! Then a whole year and sometimes you don't even notice the differently anymore all the time because now being sober is the same.

Then arrives a whole other set of things you need to do differently! Ack! I have feelings? I need to figure out who I am? What I like? What I can do? What I stand for? Who stands by me? My place in the world? Is it not enough that I quit fucking drinking? Can't that be my grand gesture to the world- hurrah! I am healed! Ta- dow!

Ahem. Welp, I guess not.

There's a thing called "globbing": when you take every option and make a big wall in your head and then no decisions get made and you get trapped in your critical mind and forget about doing the thing another way. When you glob you get sad and confused and blamed and incapable. I am excellent at globbing! I can pull myself under real quick like in most situations with my automatic response that is usually Ugh, I am not doing this right and I want to hide even if I'm fine.

Which means that now I have to figure out how to do my thinking differently: how to talk to myself and the world in my voice and not in my fear of rejection or fear of hurt. I don't mean speaking my truth: I mean speaking for myself. It's about feeling secure: held and safe- even when I'm a total asshole. Recognizing the unthinking responses and then taking a moment to decide: whether positive or negative making the decision instead of blindly flailing along the way I've always gone just because I've always gone it and also that's just easier.

I quit one of my jobs this week. I quit because I didn't like what the company is doing and I was able to say "I don't like this" and be finished. It was so empowering and such a relief: I didn't want to stay and my life is arranged now so that I didn't have to. It has mystified me a little about myself all week: I really did that??? I was able to do that? I'm not totally stuck because of money or obligation? That was pretty different. Normally I'm a person who sticks it out even when it sucks, or I have to stick it out because I run my life like a train wreck, but now I'm not that kind of person anymore.

It can be as small as this: sometimes when I'm at acupuncture a needle can be uncomfortable- but I never speak up- or in yoga class we get into a position and I'm supposed to feel great and I don't- but I don't move. I don't want anyone to know I'm doing it "wrong". I finally spoke up at acupuncture and moved at yoga this week. No one was bothered or noticed, but I feel like a badass.

I smile at myself: me? Standing in my two feet having my own back? Speaking for myself? Pretty cool. The gifts sobriety brings are so dang ongoing- just when I get to a spot where I start to feel a little dum dum dum the universe offers up these opportunities for me to wow and amaze myself- and I've started to take the invitation to get less afraid and let my life be bigger. Even when the world is crazy and the children are both misbehaving at school and I'm hormonal and sad and it feels like the pile of things going on is bigger than all of us I can stop and think for a little minute and be...okay.

We spend so much time concentrating on what's "wrong" with us. I'm not this, I'm not that. I read a book every day called Meditations from the Mat and in it I found the idea of making it good instead of making it bad. That I can concentrate on what makes me not or what makes me me. And so when I start talking bad about myself behind my back I stop it right now.

It's getting easier with practice. All these things: not drinking, getting sober, staying sober, learning to be a person, learning to be a nice person- all have gotten so much easier with practice. It's so small: to not belittle myself, to decide, to be kind.  But the difference is so big.

13 comments:

  1. Amy God yes!! You are ahead of me and I'm hitting the same stumbling blocks and it is so reassuring to read that it'll be okay. Thank you :) xx

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    1. Like I always say and see: "ME TOO" is so power full! It's so cool to figure out how to be a person. I think about what it must be like to have figured this stuff out a long time ago- but that it's all just an ongoing process too.

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  2. It always astounds me how we all seem to walk in sync, how we all seem to go through many of the same stages and at the same time. We're all like a marching band in a parade, some people in front of us, some people behind, some stuck in the middle.

    I'm globbing, too, As I commented on The Wine Witch today, I've been coasting by on the "I quit fucking drinking" pass for four years and it has expired. I need a new pass, a new endeavor, something to strive for. As far as finding my own voice goes, I've always been such a wishy-washy person, someone who had certain beliefs but backed down when someone questioned those beliefs. This week I stood up on facebook and said, "This is what I believe and I'm not backing down or being convinced that it's wrong. I have a right to feel this way." It felt so damn good.

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    1. Because you were so damn right to have your OWN opinion. It was really brave and I remain duly impressed.

      Sherry

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    2. It does feel so good to speak from yourself! To not deny what or who you are to make other people feel comfortable. To be able to be yourself is such a grand thing! You get un-wishy washy with practice.

      I love it when someone says they are feeling the way I'm feeling, or that they're discovering things similar to me. :)

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  3. I realliy liked meditations from the mat. He has brilliant perspective.
    Yes differently. celebrating ourselves.

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    1. I wonder when we're taught to not celebrate who we are: over our lifetimes I suppose. It seems like such a strange thing! But I was unhappy with who I was for years and years.

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  4. It's big...very, very big to speak kindly to ourselves; and yet we struggle to remember to do it.

    I often stop when I begin my mental barrage of myself and think, "I wouldn't speak this way to my worst enemy!" Then why is it okay for me to speak to myself that way?

    Time to think differently. Brilliant.

    Sherry

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    1. There are at least two sides to everything: I've been doing a lot of thinking about FOCUS and where I put it. It starts in the morning as soon as I get up- the "Oh no's" of my life and I can get into a real funk in two minutes. So I started stopping that when it came up and started thinking about something good or pleasant or telling myself I'm doing it right and I'm fine or that I make really good toast or reminding myself that I was patient yesterday or that I'm being nice to myself right now and that makes a difference. Stopping all those mean voices is hard! I think of them as cries out for comfort and reassurance and so instead of agreeing "Yes, you're right mean voice, I do suck!" I've started comforting "No, mean voice, I don't suck. I'm just overwhelmed and I need to give myself a pause and some credit and some credit for the amazing things I am!" It may sound hokey, but it really works! The voice that says saying stuff like that to yourself is stupid is just that same old voice of fear that needs love, not fuel for the fire. :) I love you!!!!

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