Monday, November 2, 2015

Rainy Days

It's raining so hard here today. I'm on the lookout for a few animals to go floating by or maybe a man called Noah to knock at the door and ask if I'm interested in either tree trimming or arks. I've been caramelizing onions for what seems like almost an eternity, listening to Death Cab for Cutie radio on Pandora AND shaking my ass in the kitchen. It's awesome.

A song by Coldplay came on and I had this sudden flashback to when my husband and I had gone from pals to living together in a slow but fast decision that we did, in fact, like each other "that" way. We used to get off work around 11 PM and head down to the corner bar to get started getting wasted the way early twenty somethings do except we were in our early thirties. Then we'd head home (lord, that we drove, really???) to drink more and I would put on that Coldplay CD and headphones and sing at the top of my lungs. I don't remember any of it, of course, I've been a blacker-outer from waaaaayyy back. I would drive him nuts with my drunken off key bellowing. Can you imagine? I was in such pain and such glory all at once.

Only later did we talk about how much he hated it. But what to do? Piss of a drunk person? God. Who the fuck even was I?

I was thinking this morning about how I am almost three years without a drink, without a drunk, or a blackout. How when I sing at the top of my lungs I know I'm doing it, how I'm becoming a better dancer because yoga and also letting go y'all. How I'm alive and living and I know all the things I do all the time. ALL THE TIME.

I was also thinking about the way that being a sober person is just part of my fabric now: that it would seem so weird to drink instead of vice versa. It seems so natural, like I was faking it that whole years of time I drank and now I'm who I really am finally finally finally. It gives me such a burst of joy and relief that I never have to drink again, that I never have to be that me ever again.

I put glittery golden hearts from fall festival prize making on my computer to remind me of how beloved I am by me- by the universe. I dance and sing in the kitchen while I make caramelized onions for half my life (those mugs take forever!). I sign up for writing classes and yoga trainings and I still yell at my children and pout when I don't get my way. I am not the same person I used to be- I am here with faith and learning to comfort my fears. Every time life seems to be as bright as it can be I am mesmerized again by what else is possible. This is not to say there is no sorrow, there is, but I suppose it's all the way I look at it.

Ah, rainy days. :)




11 comments:

  1. You have such a way with words Amy. It's a joy to read and feel your joy leap off the screen :) xx

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    1. Thank you so much! It's pretty great to feel joyful :)

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  2. I love shaking my booty, too. Ever listen to The Postal Service - the singer from Death Cab for Cutie's other band? The beats are also good for dancing! Oh rainy day, indeed...
    Rebecca
    Hope4rebecca

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    1. Yes! I love The Postal Service too- I like almost everything that station pops up on Pandora. :) I run to that station too.

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  3. What I love most about this post is your continued enthusiasm at almost 3 years in. It is contagious and so encouraging to those of us who are early on in their journey. I can really relate to your description of yourself drunk catterwalling that was me and I was also known to dance quite horribly (think Elaine Bennis). I too was looking to find my real self somewhere in there under the onion peal of fear and sadly alcohol pretends to lift off those layers but in reality it doesn't deliver on that promise. Thanks for keeping me so inspired, your penpal CB..

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    1. It really does keep getting better and better. It isn't always easy, but the longer I'm sober the more solid my feet are on the ground and the more true my heart feels. It's so cool to get to know the woman I am- the parts I want to grow, the parts I've outgrown, the parts that are steady. I'm inspired by you too! The world needs all the bright and brave sober women it can get! Xxxooo

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  4. Hello! I just found your blog (through the After Party Magazine connection (on Instagram actually), and just scanning through it, I just have to tell you I love it. And I rarely ever ever comment on anything...but this shouted out at me, because it's exactly how I feel lately (at 6 months sober), and I just love that it keeps getting better as you're talking about, 3 years sober. Anyway, this brought tears to my eyes, and I thought you should know:

    "I was also thinking about the way that being a sober person is just part of my fabric now: that it would seem so weird to drink instead of vice versa. It seems so natural, like I was faking it that whole years of time I drank and now I'm who I really am finally finally finally. It gives me such a burst of joy and relief that I never have to drink again, that I never have to be that me ever again."

    Thank you:)

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