Tuesday, January 3, 2017

You Love Her



My youngest has the sweetest crush on a girl in his class. She is his seat mate, they talk all the time: "Even more than me and you mom!" One day after school we waited for her mom to show up so we could ask her to come over to our house. I introduced myself and said to my son's friend, "Would you like to come over to our house one day to play?" She said, "No thank you, I'm fine," and my son pulled in his lips and made the please don't let me cry face and I kind of laughed politely and said, "Oh, okay, um see you later. Nice to meet you." We walked the long walk to the car and when we got in he tried to smile but cried instead. I tried to make it better by saying things like be patient and maybe today just wasn't a good day to ask but he kind of got himself together with a ragged sigh and proceeded to act like it didn't matter.

This has been my relationship with myself. I send out these fancy love letters to myself and then when it seems like time to become home friends and not just at school friends I clam up and refuse politely, and I also forget to feel how heartbroken I am and I breathe a lot and pretend like I'm just fine anyway, thanks. Mixed signals all over the place.

Is it embarrassing and a little self indulgent to admit that I love myself? Does that make me one of those people that persistently posts selfies and quotes about how they just keep going no matter what because even in the darkest day there might be a slice of light? When did it become wrong to love yourself? Does school beat it out of you? Your peers? Just life? Can it just be okay and acceptable and not make me arrogant or full of myself if I am okay with saying I'm okay?

I'm reading THIS BOOK and although I get tired of all the rah rah rah I love reading about giving myself permission to be cool with myself. Gratitude to HIP SOBRIETY for publishing her book list, I hadn't seen You are a Badass before and I really am almost to the liking the idea of thinking of myself as a badass cool lovely woman point. What have I got to lose? I mean I hated myself for years, so I'm giving love a chance. It's all part of the MERGE. :)




12 comments:

  1. I wrote about this in the last few days too! Here's the relevant bit: Self-compassion is often confused with narcissistic self-love, although research indicates that there is no link between narcissism and self-compassion (Neff, 2003; Neff & Vonk, 2009) :)

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    1. It's arrogance vs. pride. Two totally different things.

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  2. I read that book a while back, too - and LOVED IT. The author is hysterical.

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    1. I like how she makes up her own words. :)

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  3. Kid heartache is almost unbearable. I want to explain away his little friend's answer a half dozen ways, but it doesn't change the way he felt. I'm loving your posts of late. Your writing and content has always been wonderful, but there's something different now too. Always a pleasure to read where you are.

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  4. Oh your little man - my heart goes out to him. I'm not sure how old he is, but I have a very sensitive, lovely 5 year old boy, and I'm already picking up pieces of his little heart on a regular basis at school. I hope she comes round. The importance of the rest of your post isn't lost on me by the way, honest ;-). I will look out the book. And try the self-compassion! Red xx

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    1. He's 8. He wrote a song to her, and then a note over Christmas break about how much he missed seeing her. So sweet. I think he really likes her most because she doesn't hit and play rough like the boys, he doesn't like that and is a smaller dude on top of it so feels pretty pushed around sometimes. Self compassion! I'm practicing SO HARD. Thanks for reading :) xoxo

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  5. Awwwww...poor kid. lol. Been there done that for sure. My heart went out to him. He'll bounce back.

    And as for self-compassion...well, I am still struggling mighty there. I am much better, but I can still bring out the cat-o-nine tails and give myself a very good lashing for no reason. It's a tough cast to un-die (if that's a word, who knows), but at least I see it. I can't write myself letters or do affirmations in the mirror and all that stuff. Ego tells me it's corny. Maybe I find self-compassion in actions - trying to take care of myself and all that. Different paths up that mountain.

    Thanks again for your lovely posts - I gobble them up!
    Paul

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    1. Thanks Paul! I am getting used to being corny, I find I don't have a way around it if I am going to be nice to myself: so I rephrase. Corny becomes KIND. :)

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  6. Hi Amy, I will definitely try this book as very recently I have turned a major corner in the self acceptance and self LIKE, not yet love but getting close. I am seven months sober now and so many things seem to just be falling into place and whether it was reading old diaries full of self hatred and shame or a combination of all the books, blogs, affirmations, self talk, journaling and spewing all my secrets on my blog- I have found myself thinking nicer kinder thoughts about me and it turn it has made me think nicer kinder things about others.
    If you love yourself, I say YAY FOR YOU 😀 It would be awesome to hear someone rejoice in loving themselves in a non-selfie posting way.
    Hope your little guy is ok, loving yourself is hard but loving others unrequited is a hard road to walk.

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    1. All of this is so wonderful! How does it go when you look back at your old stuff? I find that I can get down on myself when I think about my past, it's been a challenge to accept who I was is still who I am, that I'm the same person I just make different choices.

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