"Sometimes you find that what is most personal is also what connects you most strongly with others." -Grace Paley
I figured out that raking is something else you can do when you're at loose ends and don't drink.
There are blisters on both of my hands because I am still a classic over do-er. It continues to amaze me that my -ism comes out it so many other ways in my life, and so therefore I can only assume that -ism is my nature and since I know that I know it.
Is it my ego, or my insides that makes me push things to edges and then limits and then breakage? I know my addiction is a thing I have, a dis-ease, a characteristic of what makes me up. Knowing that it isn't limited to alcohol is kind of relievingly puzzling and annoying.
I started walking this week since running again turned out terrible. Walking. I haven't just walked since my oldest was a tiny baby and I was too many pounds of new mama. After you're a runner who can walk again? In my running running days I was certainly that vain asshole running and smirking at the people who were walking. Now all I can do is walk. Smirk smirk.
And so then I started walking, and then planning the marathon I was going to do next spring.
The conundrum is this: in my thinking I just get to the marathon finish line- woooooo woooooo and it's almost like.....magic? I don't really think through all the actual work and thought that would go into it. I want it and so therefore it should just BE. Huh.
But then, oh. There is that actual work, and the running and planning and not getting hurt again-ing. There is the doing.
This was why I couldn't seem to get myself sober. I wanted to be it, but I didn't want to do it.
This is one of my hugest biggest hurdles- am I just lazy? Deluded? A magician?
It's good to know these quirks and qualities of oneself so that then you can put on the reflective safety vest and direct yourself around them. Like this: "Hey, I'm walking! I feel good. Great! I should train for a....WOMP WOMP slow here..... move over into the reality lane please....." Or: "Hey! I had one drink, and it was fine! Maybe another would be.....BOOOP BOOOP reality lane please....."
And then there you are, all reflective and thinking about reality and then things don't go out of hand wonky but keep on moving along smoothly-ish and you aren't limping or hungover.
Perhaps we are all magicians, but in sobriety we become masters of different illusions. When we were/are drinking we are brilliant at the I Feel Great Not Hungover at All/ This many Drinks is Totally Fine/I'm Quitting Tomorrow illusions. In sobriety we have to master the illusions of reality, until they aren't even illusions anymore. And only one of those tricks really works.
Life is good y'all.