Monday, April 14, 2014

Terrible Awful Week

So much has been happening that I really don't even want to write about it because it exhausts me just thinking about it.

Our oldest dog, Jelly, has a torn ACL. By oldest I mean six, and by torn ACL I mean couple few thousands of dollars surgery. We thought he was losing weight because we switched his food, and it's spring, and then suddenly he was very skinny and really limping and then couldn't even get up to go outside. It was like it was in slow motion, only in really fast motion and we weren't really looking the whole time.

So the vet says this doesn't really heal in big dogs without surgery. And that he will be in pain. Which means we would have to put him to sleep because something I don't believe in is keeping a beloved member of our family alive if he is just going to suffer each and every day.

But then I Googled it and found success stories and feel so much more hopeful- except for the fact that the pain meds give him this awful diarrhea and every morning we wake up to a house reeking of gnarly dog poop on the one carpet again. (except for this morning because we gated him in the study with no carpet thank god since there was barf and poop everywhere) And the vet says he could be fine on pain meds and heal some and maybe heal all and the other one will probably tear, but OK. We'll deal with that one then. Plus I'll know to keep him out of the room with the rug.

I wanted to guzzle a gallon jug of wine last Wednesday. I wanted to pass out drunk on my back lawn. I wanted to be so hungover the next day that all I would be able to do would think about how awful my hangover was and avoid dealing with maybe having to kill our dog.

It sucked.

Then Saturday I had what I thought was a small misunderstanding with my parents and we haven't spoken since.

It hurts me so much when I try to figure out what makes them the way they are. And then I want to smack myself upside the head: Stop! Never, ever try to figure out someone else. My self is hard enough, and I have all the Cliff's Notes.

This fight is not mine to fix, so I will wait until they are ready to talk. It isn't about being right, it's about having boundaries and ways I have to be treated. It's about respecting me, and my husband, and my children. It's about how I cannot be the one who says Oh, I know you might be sorry and I want things to be OK so I will just call and smooth it over. I don't want to argue, but I also don't want to offer up understanding when I don't have any around anywhere to give.

Then two people died at a race I was supposed to run Sunday. I ran over a wooden block and broke something on one of our cars. And just when we start to have comfortable money all these $300 things start happening and I want to scream.

Life has totally sucked. But here's the thing: and dammit, I hate it, but it's true: when things suck the most it's because they are about to get better. I swear the worse things are the better it actually gets, but right now I am having a hard time remembering that. It's in all this awfulness that I figure things out. It's when I have to feel uncomfortable and sad and sob and want to fix it but can't that I learn more about who I really am. What I really want from my one life.

What I want is to try to heal Jelly as best we can with the resources we have. So I will clean up poop and barf and sit quietly with him in the yard. I will heat up bowls of bland chicken and rice and egg so he will eat and put on some weight. I will watch him closely to see if it gets to be too much and be brave enough to let him go if that's what's best.

What I want is to not feel like an always wrong dirtbag teenager with my parents. So I will be the loving grown up woman that I am. I will believe the part of my self that tells me what I can and cannot talk about with them. I will listen when my self says I'm OK, and that I am to be trusted. That just because someone else believes something doesn't mean that has to be true for me. I will stand up for what I believe in, and be willing to keep living my way because that's the way that works best for me.

I need some peace y'all. Send some. I am praying hard and reaching out to people around me, and I am reaching out to y'all too. I will get through, and I will be sober. But right now I need reinforcements big time, so include me in your prayers/universe musings/help out lists.

I am grateful for that.


17 comments:

  1. Amy, I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. That's a lot to have going on. Big sadness and pain to deal with. I'm really sorry about your dog, and the family stuff, and the other troubles that all add up. Of course, you're right, it will get better, it always does, and it is bearable in the meantime, and you know that but it doesn't make it suck any less. Today I walked through new blooms and trees in new leaf and I thought about how much I've been helped by the people who wrote ahead of me and showed me that it's possible and often great and always better to be sober even if it isn't always easy. And I thought I should email you and tell you how grateful I am for you. So I'll tell you here instead. Thank you. Sending you a big hug and giant waves of peace and joy and much love. xoxoxo

    (PS if you haven't already, you might try reading Pema Chodrun's "When things fall apart" which I know helped me before at one point when things were falling apart. Might not speak to you, but then again it might.)

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    1. Oh, I really like her. I will definitely read it.

      Thank you for your kind encouraging words. I needed them. :) xoxo

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  2. you have sobriety and you rock. hang tough. drinking will make it all so much harder to deal with. go for a kick ass run .. because you can. i'm an Amy too.

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    1. Thanks for commenting. A good run can make things better for sure. Amy's are awesome! :)

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  3. Wow that's a tough week my friend.. very very tough. Holy shitballs that's a ginormous fireball of toughness. The parental one is a biggie.. and it sounds like something that's really difficult to deal with.. so good on your for stepping back and taking breather. Stay calm, old patterns die hard but you are shifting away from those old patterns as well you should by the sounds of it. Sending big love. Time will pass and if nothing else that'll help smooth some of this shit away. Booze won't do that one iota. But you know that already. Big hugs from NZ xxx

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    1. Thanks for the hugs and love. xoxo

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  4. ((((HUG)))) Big long hug, sit on the back deck and drink iced tea and visit kind of a hug. With fresh lilacs in a vase on the table next to us.

    Tough tough stuff my friend. I think you are so spot on with the parents. I just want to support you in your determination to let them simmer and come to you. It sounds like you are so open to healing and restoration....but you have some limits and some boundaries. That is healthy adult lady stuff! I will add that reading that reminded me to keep an eye on how I treat my adult kids.

    As to poor Jelly...we went through this same thing with a pitbull we had. We rested him for a long time. Crated him so he wouldn't run or jump while we weren't home, kept him inside with us where he could rest, we walked him, but no power walks, just gentle ambles so that everything didn't atrophy. And he got better. He probably was never better enough to be show dog or a running companion but he was better enough to live a pain free life.

    Is there is a different pain med he can take? If a human had that kind of intestinal reaction we would change things up. We have given our dogs 1 aspirin for pain many times...NOT Tylenol or Ibuprofen. Just plain old generic aspirin.

    I hope things settle down for you guys.....and the car repairs...we are right there with you! OMG! We are in the thousands now and its at the point where we have already spent all this money, we can't back out now.

    And rehab co-payments....oh I could go on and on! But this isn't about me. I have my own blog for that shit! You take good care and sit on your back deck, porch, lawn chair...whatever you have back there and drink an iced tea and think of your crazy blogger friend sitting there with you commiserating. <3

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    1. Gah, you know, too bad Cali is so far away. It sounds like we could both use a good session of back porch therapy. Hugs to you.

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  5. While this isn't anywhere on the same scale as a torn ACL, our one cat had a costly vet visit yesterday. A sober buddy recommended I looked into a GE Care credit card (interest deferred payments for qualifying medical/dental/vet visits). These pets sure are costly. Good thing they're so damned sweet.

    I am so sorry to hear the stress you're getting from your folks. I feel less and less connected to mine. We communicate via email and see each other every few months and this isn't great for my kids, but it's easier for me.

    I like what you say about knowing the easier part is right around the corner. This is optimism personified and you are absolutely right, and damnit it makes me laugh to hear you say this when life is clearly dog-shitty.

    Sending you thoughts and prayers and hugs and fairies or elves or whatever it is that would be okay cleaning up dog messes. They would have to have seriously strong stomachs. You deserve hundreds of whatever creatures those are. xoxo

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    1. The vet is so surprise!!! expensive. Ack.

      My parents have always been hard to deal with. They have a pretty self centered world view. It just doesn't really go along with the way I am. I am figuring out that it isn't my job to heal them or make them happy.

      Thanks for the fairy elves! They brought clay tablets to make the diarrhea vanish. Hurrah! Life does look better without each morning full of shit. :) xoxo

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  6. Amy I'm thinking about you and hope that the rocky road smooths out soon xx

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  7. Sending you positive thoughts, good vibes, and prayers. It is hard to feel up when life keeps dumping on you, but you know that it will pass, and it will. Thanks for sharing your struggles along with your triumphs. Hugs!

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    1. Thanks for the hugs and the vibes and prayers. They are much appreciated. :) xoxo

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  8. I love how lovingly you approach the situation with your doggie- may you have many more moments with him happy and healthy and what a lucky dog to have you as an owner. Just breathe, girl, I saw on pinterest "When life gives you shit, grow a garden!"

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    1. Breathing in and out is one of my best tricks. :) xoxo

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  9. Listen yo...I will get in my car this weekend and drive up to see you just to hug you if you need it. Just reach out...I'm around for you - always.

    Namaste my friend

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