Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Mountains to Climb

My youngest started kindergarten today. It kind seems like an end to a ten year cycle: baby, little, bigger, another baby, little, big kid, little kid- both in school. Whoa. I just ate lunch alone. And in a way I wanted to be sad about it, and then in a way I felt grown up. Able to chew. Able to be quiet. Take my time. Read at the table. (Shhhh. Don't tell.)

This means I have free time.

To like, blog and stuff. :)

And stuff! I swear, whenever I put stuff out into the universe and say "OK, universe. I'm ready for this. Really ready. Suggest some things." the universe goes, "Well, right on! Here you go!"

Over and over again it amazes me that one of my biggest side effects of being sober is being brave! So when the universe says "Here's this?" I can say things like "Oh, that's possible" and "Wow, I never thought of that before- but I could totally do that". Not what I used to say which was "I don't have time for that" or "I can't". It also means I can change my mind about things if I want to and not have to feel scared or guilty about it. It means I can choose, and then re-choose if I want. For you that might be easy, but for me that takes some serious guts- all of it.

I was looking at a picture of some mountains and it occurred to me: there are always mountains to climb. Always. And that's OK. That I love mountains. I love that they rise and fall and come in ranges so that once you get to the top there's a whole 'nother side to hike down, and then another one to walk up. That they all have a view from the top. And not just one view, but so many views you can't even count them all, and to see a new one you just have to change your perspective or turn things around.

I have finally also come to the understanding that even though my most wished wish came true (I'm sober) my life can still be hard as shit sometimes, and it can also be unbelievably amazing. That both of these things can be big and small. That I'm good at hiking. That I can handle the hills. Even when they are mountains. That I can let myself enjoy the view from the top.

I was talking with my naturopath today. We are winding up a fourteen week session of visits and although my progress has been slowish there has been progress- a lot of it. I said to her today "The person sitting here today and the person I was at this time two years ago are totally different. And even when things are hard I am still so grateful for the person I am today." I don't waste my time wishing away the woman that I am- I strive to become more her. And by strive I mean live.

When I was drinking you can bet that there was never a day I loved myself more because I had gotten drunk again. But these days? These days. These days I am brave and possible. These days I am a hiker. These days I see mountains and I hope they are in ranges because it is all so interesting and pretty and hard and lovely. These days I'm getting a lot better at doing and doing a lot less wishing.


11 comments:

  1. Hi Amy, my littlest one started school today too, an emotional time! Had just a passing thought as I was on my way home after dropping her off, that if I was still drinking I could have a glass of wine with my lunch and no-one would know. Thankfully, my next thought was one of relief that since I was no longer drinking, that was not a scenario I needed to give any more headspace to. I have some free time, too, now. I am so relieved that I will not be wasting it with alcohol, but using it instead.
    Ooh, and you've made me want to go find some mountains, too ;)
    xxx

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    1. Funny that you say that- I sat down to lunch for one with a big bottle of mineral water and my favorite little glass. I gulped my first glass since I was thirsty, then I thought "oh, hey! I could drink wine at lunch and no one would know" and then I remembered that I don't drink anymore. And then I was completely thankful because if I were still drinking I might have been one of those mamas who stinks of booze at 3:30 in the afternoon. THANK GOD THAT ISN'T ME.

      So much better to do with our free time than drink. So MUCH. :)

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  2. Very inspiring. As a 'sober beginner' it is great to get glimpses of how things might be once I crawl a little further out of the hole.

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    1. Keep crawling. Soon you'll be walking. It's worth it to keep going. :) Very!

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  3. How long did it take you to get brave after you got sober? I don't think I'm quite there yet.

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    1. Um....you got brave the minute you decided to be sober!!! Your brave just gets bigger. But don't kid yourself that you aren't- YOU ARE SO BRAVE RIGHT NOW.

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  4. Amy great post.I'm learning to walk again,literally after a nasty accident.I was out in the world yesterday in a walker and wheelchair,but was sober and really,stoked just to be alive.I going to climb mountains,too by Christmas!!

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    1. Yay! Those are the best days: when nothing really happens I can put my finger on, I'm just so damn grateful to be alive. To feel alive. Mountains by Christmas- mountain practice in the fall. :)

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  5. I love this post. I feel about the ocean the way you feel about mountains. That it's endless, and challenging and beautiful and that it's always changing...like me. Climb mountains! Swim oceans! We can do it ALL!!!!!

    Love and hugs -
    Sherry

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