I cannot begin to express how much I need this weekend- since school started I've been like a rubber band- boing-ing and boing-ing from here to there. I proclaimed a hiatus weekend. Meaning no plans fun or otherwise!
I need this. I know I need this. I need it most of the time because I am mostly an introvert and a homebody which means I need to be mostly at home and mostly not with anybody. BUT. Then I make coffee plans and dinner plans and volunteer for things and school has meetings and work has meetings and those are all in the same month as my husband and my youngest's birthdays and holy shit. It shows. It shows in what I'm eating and reading and doing with my time.
I do it all the time- say yes when I really mean no. Or no when I really mean yes! I wish I could cut out the part of me, whatever its' name is, that is responsible for all of my poor decision making. That part that squelches the idea that getting up early for a walk is a good idea, the part that says I can quit drinking coffee another day, the part that has me face first in my phone while the kids bounce around me wanting attention. Snip snip snip random part- be gone from me!
I am one of a huge group of people who knows what's best for me and totally ignores it! I do this all the time. I can list the things I need to make me content easily: enough sleep, exercise, connection, creativity, good food. (good food meaning not eating five chocolate chip cookies and two pieces of birthday cake in one day or another helping of the delicious polenta just because it's delicious but I'm already full) It's like when I was drinking and I knew one hundred fifty million percent that I needed to quit and then I drank anyway. It's like when I knew I had to stop having caffeine to fuel my days but I was still chugging coffee. It's making excuses around what I need so other people can be happy while I lie to myself that it's all OK. Why do I do that?
Oh, right. I'm human. :)
BUT! Here's the good part: I know it! I know that I need to take a little minute and get my self together because otherwise I will eat all the Raspberry Beret snack mix in the whole world and compensate for my exhaustion by drinking six cups of coffee a day. Here's the best part: not only do I know it I'm actually doing something about it.
Practice. It takes such practice! I am reminded time and time again that I don't really know how to do the simplest stuff- like decision making. Being sober means learning how to do all this basic stuff all over again. Knowing the right answers. Yes to one cookie. No to five of them. I feel like I'm in sober first grade. And I'm grateful to have made it through kindergarten. :)
I think we "should" all over ourselves sometimes and that's what drives our decisions - good or otherwise. Like I'll say "I should eat this or that" and my next thought is "but screw that, I'm not going to do what other people think I should, I'll eat the cake."
ReplyDeleteOr I'm invited somewhere and I really don't want to go but I know I "should" so I say yes and then cancel at the last minute (yeah...THAT's nice) or I go, dreading it all the way. (Funny thing is I usually end up enjoying myself but my inner introvert never remembers that part.)
OR I get invited to something that I really DO want to do but I say to my self, "No, I should clean the house instead or I should walk the dog instead or (insert riduculous excuse here) so I say no and then kick myself later for it."
sigh...
Anyway, as usual it's nice to know someone else does these things too. When you figure out how to cure this 'ism we have, will you let me know?
Hugs -
Sherry
Love this Amy 'I feel like I'm in sober first grade. And I'm grateful to have made it through kindergarten' Yes I so agree! :)
ReplyDeleteLOVE LOVE LOVE. I think I have graduated from Sober Pre-K to Sober K. At least it's a start :-)
ReplyDeleteI recognise these feelings, too. perhaps we have been giving ourselves permission for so long with the sugar and the caffeine and the nay saying to our own needs because, you know. sober first.
ReplyDeleteI like what you say about 'taking a little minute'. so often that is all it takes to break the mindlessness. when my kids need a loo break they yell 'PAUSE!' and dash out of the room. often not just when they are watching TV, but also when they are playing a board game, or Lego, which amuses me greatly.
so maybe I need to press my pause button more often, too. thanks for a lovely post!