Friday, December 5, 2014

Almost Two Years


"The rain is over; what we're left with is the life that follows the weather."
Ann Patchett

At this time two years ago tomorrow will be the last time I got wasted. I can't remember if I drank on the 5th of December 2012, but I know for sure I did on the 6th. (Did I ever.) I remember lots of wine, and then eating these coconut oil pot cookie things a friend made for me, sitting out on the porch chain smoking even though I'm betting it was cold. It wasn't a terribly unusual amount for me, it wasn't especially worse than the other nights I drank. It was the same as always, a lot.

I remember waking up on December 7, 2012, my children next to my side of the bed, their hair rumpled, their faces expectant and sleepy. I'm sure they were both in their underwear. I had promised French toast and spelling words for breakfast- my oldest had his class spelling bee that morning so we were going to have his favorite breakfast and go over his words one last time. My oldest was eight- to be nine in a week. My youngest was four.

I was so hungover I could not get out of bed.

The enormity of that really strikes me as I write it. I drank so much that I couldn't get up the next day. It makes me feel small and tight like a walnut. Ashamed. Cringe-worthy. I can picture myself as I can always picture me when I was drunk: eyes half closed certain that I'm with it, that I'm fine. Certain that one more drink won't hurt, certain that I can handle that awful hangover I'll have tomorrow because haven't I done it so many times that I'm like some kind of evil hangover expert genius? The picture I have is a physical one and a spirit one: I can feel what I felt like when I drank, when I was a glass or two in, a bottle in, a blackout in. I can easily dredge up the sick anxiety I felt the next morning: my brain can start the guilt tapes over with no problem. "How could you? It's OK, you know you need to quit. It's OK, you can quit...TODAY! Then everything will be fine. I suck." I was a two-faced finger pointer cheerleader. Both worried and relieved because what did I do and I was quitting today anyway so it didn't matter. But until December 7, 2012 I always drank again.

I didn't really even mean to quit that day. I meant to quit every day, but that day stuck for me. It was the day my oldest was due to be born in 2004 and my reasoning was it was a day marked for a new life, it just wasn't his, it was mine. It was my lowest point as a mother: bedridden while my children held out the plate of French toast they'd made with their dad and I couldn't take it so they just whispered "We'll leave it right here mommy" and they put it on the bookshelf next to my side of the bed and tiptoed away. The fat sad tears that slid down my face as I knew the truth about myself deep deep down: I had a problem. A serious problem.

I'd had this problem for years. I always knew I drank differently from other people. I was always glad to find another person who drank like me. I did most of my drinking by myself though- none of that pesky sharing to worry about. I knew, even in my teens, that I shouldn't drink, that my family history basically screamed out NEVER DRINK ALCOHOL!!!! and I chose to ignore it. Between four of my grandparents three were raging alcoholics. Two committed suicide. The deck was very obviously stacked against me. Odds totally in favor of me being another raging alcoholic. But I hurt too much to care.

That hurt carried me through years of drunks, years of mistakes. It piled it all up until by laws of balance and toppling it had to fall. I had to fall. So I fell- my years of free fall finally touched down with a resounding thump and I knew I could get up again. Not that I had to, but that I could.

Sobriety happens in all different ways. It worked for me to blog a lot at first, to have a pen pal. A sober therapy group worked for a while. I never went to AA. I don't really have a lot of sober support except for what I make for myself which is true for everyone I guess. I've learned along the way how to nurture and care for myself and for me that doesn't involve a lot of other people. I look back at the beginning of my sobriety and marvel at the fact that I stopped drinking and smoking by getting up early every day and emailing my pen pal (endless gratitude Belle) and having my own one woman free yoga class in my living room. To this day I am still jealous of people who get to go to rehab: what would that have been like? To free myself from my life for thirty days and get it together without having to do my life and get sober all at once? I probably romanticize it too much. It was harder for me to manage AA meetings than it was to cobble together my own "meetings" by reading other sober bloggers. I plodded through my first days clutching my wineglass full of seltzer and fresh grapefruit juice at dinner time and putting us all in our pajamas and in my bed at 7:00. It was safe up there.

I discovered something amazing: I was really good at being sober. Being good at it didn't mean it wasn't hard, sometimes heartbreakingly so, but I keep practicing and so I keep getting better and better. Being sober makes my life livable. It makes it so I could deal with the things that happen on a daily basis that threaten my sanity. I've learned to recognize when I need a minute or a weekend to hibernate and shake myself back out. It's given me the patience and courage to rebuild my relationship with my husband and my parents. It's taught me who I was, who I really am, and then it taught me to be just fine with that. It gave me my love story of a life time. Mine + Me.

So this morning I am sitting at the kitchen table, listening to the hum of the dishwasher. It's spelling bee time again. My oldest will be ten (ten!) in ten days. We all had scrambled eggs and pears this morning, argued about crazy eights cards and no one wanted to put their shoes on. My life has gone on even though at first I thought I could never ever ever make it without wine. I have made it and put two years of consistent sobriety together on my own. I have something I only dreamed of: an alive life. I am what I never thought I was: capable. Honest. Sober.





29 comments:

  1. You are one more thing...friend. I have loved being on this journey with you. Spending face to face time with you. Reading your extremely well written, raw, honest and beautiful posts. Watching you grow and learning from you as you learn. Thank you.

    Oh...and thanks for making me cry at work... ;-)

    Sherry

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    1. Sherry, you have been such a wonderful support to me since I found you a few months in to my sobriety. We are a gift to each other. I thought about trying to include the friendship part and decided it had to be a whole post of it's own. As usual you are reading my mind. :)

      I am forever grateful for you.

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  2. Beautiful post Amy and HUGE congrats on 2 years! I really loved this line 'It was harder for me to manage AA meetings than it was to cobble together my own "meetings" by reading other sober bloggers.' Brilliant. Here's to the next year with you on this journey xx

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    1. Thank you so much! I really appreciate it. It would have been such a juggling act for me to make it to a meeting every day- but to turn on the computer and read the words of people in our community helped me so much. It made it possible for me to stay sober when I felt like I couldn't go on. It gave me my sobriety on my terms, and for that I am so thankful. I can't wait to see what this next year holds for both of us! xxxooo

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  3. very many congratulations on doing what you thought was impossible! nearly two years is wonderful. and what comes out so clearly from this post is that all of that stuff, all those sick anxious feelings, wasn't you. it was the alcohol in you.

    and when we take the alcohol away, and find other ways of dealing with the hurt we tried to drown with it: guess what. we ARE those wonderful things you describe so movingly: 'capable, honest and sober'.

    thank you as always for your inspirational writing!

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    1. Thank you for taking time to read and comment. Isn't it so nice to meet the real person under all that booze? And such a relief.

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  4. Hi Amy thank you. I love your writing and your honesty. It was nov 24 2013 when I first read your words- in a magazine article. I couldn't believe that there was someone out there like me.... With the back porch, wine and cigs... And husband and kids in the house. Your words gave me hope. I emailed Belle. I am sober now just over one year. Gave up the cigs 6 months a go (that was a bitch) my journey has been similar -- my support is through sober blogs... And a lot of reading. Some days are way harder than others but I know I am in a better place. I know that your blog has helped you.. Been your saving grace . Please please know that it has been mine too. Thank you is not enough. ~Denise

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    1. It amazes me that a-) it's been a year since that magazine came out and b-) that people actually read about me, and that (it is still mind blowing) helped them get sober too. Nothing tops that. I am so proud of you and so glad to share this wonderful sober world with you. xxxooo

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  5. Oh Amy - I so over the moon with this post! Congrats on the two years!!!

    I remember finding your blog, and I remember the resistance, the sort of haze we all get into early sobriety, the anger, the questions...and then...peace. Something turned in you, and it was amazing to watch it unfold. I mentioned it countless times how your posts and thoughts started to shift - they became kinder, more gentle, more spiritual...you became more at ease with yourself. And that's the difference between abstinence and recovery - there is that big shift. One need not have to sit in meetings to get that connection to something different and greater than ourselves. it need not be God - it can be Higher Purpose, Goodness, Greater Good, Universal Mind, or what not. Whatever it is, you found what works for you and it's been a blessing since.

    You've done service work by spreading the good word here on the blog and in the mag article and beyond. You are an inspiration.

    thank you for this and all you do. Thank you for you!

    Congrats again...amazing.

    Paul

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    1. Paul, thank you for being there right from the start. I still smile a crooked smile when I sign my comments "cheers". :) xxxooo

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  6. Excellent post! I'll have eight months on the 13th and my experience, though for a shorter length of time, reflects a lot of what you're saying here. I'm GOOD at being sober. It makes my life manageable, whereas drinking made it much more complicated, even if it pretended to offer a break. Thank you so much for this post.

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting! Isn't it a great feeling to know that you were bad at being a drinker because you were actually supposed to know how wonderful you are sober?

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  7. Thank you for this and congratulations.

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  8. Congratulations Amy and thank you! It is because of you that I am now 216 day sober. I read the article in Good Housekeeping. I found your blog and Belle. I have my own sober pen pal - Rebecca - and like you I have found that I am very good at being sober.
    So, once again, congratulations on 2 years of sobriety and thank you for saving my life!!
    SueW

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    1. Congrats to you on your hundreds of days! Thank you for your kind words, it makes me feel so grateful to know that you are still going strong! xxxooo

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  9. Thank you for this- in tears, and hoping to find my own honesty, day 1- today!

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    1. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Cry a river and keep on going. Write to me if you want to. I'm pulling for you. xxxooo

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  10. Amy: Today is my day-1. I see myself in your description of your drinking behaviors. I cannot hide from the truth any longer, I don't want to be this person anymore. I love your blog, I read it every chance I get. I don't want to hurt the ones that I love anymore, including myself. Fingers crossed, this is where I stop this madness and be who I know I am.

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  11. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you........and many, so many more than you's for the hope

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  12. This is amazingly well-written. Thank you and congratulations, Amy!

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  13. "Certain that I can handle that awful hangover I'll have tomorrow because haven't I done it so many times that I'm like some kind of evil hangover expert genius..." Oh man you are such a brilliant writer :) And that pretty aptly described me as well. Congrats on your two years! Super happy for you and your family.

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  14. Glad you're keeping that up. I'm very fortunate to be a witness of your continuing improvement in that regard. Just press on, march on and hold the line, so to speak. Don't mind the time. It's a fleeting metric, and means very little in the face of being consistent, so there's no use being intimidated by or pressured by it. Thanks for sharing that! All the best to you!

    Donnie Benson @ Midwest Institute for Addiction

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  15. It's so hard to remember those moments. Broken promises. I'm trying to forget them. Hopefully in the future I will also be able to talk about them to give some one else hope. Thank you.

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  16. I love your blog. I have decided to stop drinking recently and am back and forth on my level of commitment. Blogs like yours give me hope that I can do it and inspiration to do it, when I don't have enough of those myself.

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  18. Hi Amy - I read your blog when I was sober the first time around; you came along about halfway thru my sober stint and I followed you with some interest - we had kids in common, similar drinking history, and although I got sober in AA, it was very challenging for me to keep up with the meetings and sometimes I didn't think I got much out of them. So I was happy to see you getting sober and staying that way without needing AA, and the network you were developing with Belle, Sherry and so many others held some appeal to me. But I just kept lurking and didn't get involved. Now I think I should have because I started drinking again in late 2013, so easy to just toss back a glass and so quickly it became a bottle. Every.single.day. Sometimes more. Now here I am on Day 1, New Year's Day 2015. I've been 'planning' for the last few days, I knew as soon as I started that I would have to stop again, just a question of when and there were so many tomorrows. But now it's today and I want tomorrow to be sober. So I'm all over the blogs trying to reach out and make contacts with other sober women who are doing it. Thanks for listening and I hope to hear from you. You Rock!!

    Hugs,

    SR

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  19. I had to smile when you recounted your 'early days' with a glass of seltzer and grapefruit juice. I'm sitting here, on Day 11, drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice while reading sober blogs. I love your blog--I'm finding that sober blogs are super helpful in staying centered and remembering why I'm doing this!!

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  20. The major key to achieve the state of sobriety is to be contented with who you are and what you have. Acceptance may be a hard feat, but it is really possible if you surrond yourself with people who have lots of ideas regarding the matter. In any way, thanks for sharing that, Amy! I wish you all the best!

    Johnnie Smith @ Ranch Creek Recovery

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