Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Hamster Wheel

I was out for my walk a few minutes ago and I remembered a blog I posted with a picture of a girl sitting in a box and how I've been feeling very in my small box lately (and by lately I mean all winter). So I looked it up and I was amazed that I wrote it two years ago almost to the exact day.

Am I really on a big hamster wheel here or what?

I picked up my journal last night to jot some thoughts down for the first time since the end of January. To be honest my journal and I have always had very whiny and inconsistent relationship. Both are totally my fault. I noticed that the last thing I wrote about was the thing I was about to write about again- weeks later! Then I bet myself that if I read back it would all be the same thing: me bitching because I was eating too many sweets, or not doing enough yoga, or going for walks or runs, and I'm not happy because I'm not writing enough, and also when will my pants fit right again.

Jesus H on a biscuit. I am the hamster wheel.

It was the same journal when I was drinking: why can't I quit, what will I do, making paper floor plans for when I finally quit that always fell through. Oh my god. How boring can I be? No wonder I need all these distractions now that I'm sober- I can't even stand to hear myself think all these same old tired thinks. I'm like a worn out circus act: same shit, different day. Gah!

If you didn't read it my old post was about getting out of the same old box. Not really getting out of it, but building on to it. I was all spring inspired then just like I am now, but what a jolt to the system to know that I've been trying to do these new same old things for another two years!

I have changed so much, but maybe not as much as I thought....

I'm not sure about you, but I seem to stay frustratingly the same at some things: mostly not doing things that make my life cozy and good. More like knowing what feels good and then heading in the opposite direction. I'm not sure if it will make sense but I feel like I'm on the verge of figuring something out here. I have this head full of "rules" that make my life work, but I keep avoiding them almost out of spite. I wonder sometimes if I stagnate some because I have been isolating myself- not blogging much, no recovery friends, not reading my favorite blogs or finding new ones.

Is it staying safe?

Is it fear?

The hamster wheel is pretty safe. It just goes around and around with the same old scenery, the same old groundhog day days. Plod plod spin spin. I wonder how many days I can run amok before the siren song of the wheel calls me back again? Or if I ignore that voice and just keep happily heading up the hill enjoying the scenery dropping old luggage like flies? What if I just stop checking Facebook all the time? Or I promise to write and yoga and walk and keep it? Huh. What if I do?

Well. What if I do.


  1. This is a great post because I think it is universally identifiable...I love "I am the hamster wheel"!
    I look at these things in my life as pragmatically as I can...I have learned that it takes what it takes for me to change, no matter how big or small the change. I also work hard at seeing where the things that ARE different appear, the ways I have progressed, because otherwise I'd go crazy, right?

    I'm going to address the FB thing only because I went off it at the beginning of the year. I will tell you it is absolutely the best thing I have ever done for myself. The obvious having more time to do other things is a huge plus, certainly. But the quiet, incidious part of FB, that had me comparing and jealous and not living in my own precious now, worried about others....OMG, the freedom from that feels a lot like when I first got sober. FB was a bad habit for me. I'm still on the internet, obviously, but in a very limited and specific way, and that feels so good. This yoga TT is keeping me ridiculously busy, but I imagine if I was still needing that FB, I would never sleep and get to enough classes or do anything else.
    (commercial ended!)
    I finally figured out how to subscribe to your blog so get off FB and keep writing! LOL....

  2. Well what if you do? The wheel will always be there, ready for you to come home.

    Unless you move.


  3. Oh, I can totally relate to wondering why I'm spiting myself by avoiding things that would make me happier. It drives me nuts. I'm actively trying to change that now, and sobriety has helped a lot. I walked away from FB a while ago. I noticed how I felt after spending time on there, and it was rarely positive (and more like annoyed, jealous, smug, bored, judgmental). It sounds lame, but it's one of the best things I've done for myself. I feel so much lighter and more content. Anyway, your mileage may vary. :)