After my last post something happened.
The person I had a tough time with in group contacted me by text. There was apology. Acknowledgement. Explanation. Kindness.
Boy, was I pissed.
So I slept on it.
I'm all about being here and now, but sometimes that means I have to wait a minute. That right now isn't my moment. I was pissed and I was hurt and I needed time to think. So I took it. It amazes me that I used to handle big emotional things so off the cuff. I can still have my beginning thoughts while I move towards the end and the middle, but I'm letting the water boil and cool. I'm making my intention pure and safe. For everyone.
The next morning I woke up and read the text again. And again, my ego got right on up. "How dare she!" "What was she thinking?" and then. Then I saw her. I saw her pain, her confusion. I saw that she is no longer that same person in that room that day just like I'm not either. I saw us, us- two women. Just doing our best, and sometimes in spite of that hugely sucking at life anyway. I saw her- the person I know her to be. Open hearted, kind, and generous. I saw the parts I love, and the parts that hurt me. I saw myself, misjudged and mistreated so many times in my life because I did things without thought or remained quiet when faced with hard things. I saw the two of us, side by side- questiony blank faces: what should we do?
What else could I do? In my soul I forgave her, forgave us. I let the women decide, not my ego, not the hurt, not that old day. I let myself be humbled by her grace full brave hand that reached out even though she had no idea how I was going to react but just went ahead and said I'm sorry anyway. I got a moment of grace and made sure to notice it, made sure to act in it.
There's a difficult balance between forgiveness and doormat. It's hard for me to not make every person in the room okay except me sometimes. I have a tough time not seeing all sides when really I just need to see my side. I am getting used to saying things like "That's not right to me" and "I just can't agree with that" but then being able to get on with it and not stay stumped at the speed bump of this way or that way.
It's like this: we disagree. You say po-tay-toe, I say po-tah-toe. Well well. My old way would be to clam up, think about all the reasons I was wrong even though for me it felt right. Then I would just agree with you to keep the peace and feel like an asshole because I couldn't honor myself enough to stand up for myself and be firm about what I believe. Wishy washy is one of the things I can't stand about myself. I'm that way because in spite of my best efforts I just really really want everyone to like me. Ack!
The big hurt happened: we disagreed. And in my new way I said what I felt and I didn't let myself go. And just like I suspected I got hurt. Other people got hurt. The was not even a little bitty hint of peace anywhere around- and it was all my fault. "I knew it!" I told myself. "I am never right!" I said to myself. "I suck." And then I remembered that I was right for me, even though I might not have been right for anyone else, I was right for me. I made it okay for me. It was not all my fault. And I quit my group, and I got on along with it. It hurt all summer long, and all summer long I didn't blame myself. And I healed some.
I healed some. Some people from group showed up out of the blue. And so I knew it was time to take a look. I had to write about the hurt because seeing them reminded me that it still hurt and that's what writers like me do: I write to put the jangle jumble in my head in some sort of order. To settle my debt.
I was ready to be unstuck. And because I was ready, and someone else was ready, it all lined up. Now there's a part of me that's complete where there was a dangly string before. I was ready to forgive and forget. Forgive both of us for being human. Forget about that hurt and understand that it can happen and be and we can be stuck but not forever.
So much of sobriety is all the unsticking. The grace it took for both of us to unstick and see each other as whole people rather than this one hurt was quite beautiful. Last summer I would have never guessed that I would be thankful for the turmoil and upset of that weeks long hurt. Sometimes the grace we gather isn't always wearing the suit it shows up in.