Saturday, June 13, 2015

Settling

Our house is settling. We watched a show about sinkholes and then days later up the street appeared a spray painted note on the road: sinkhole. My youngest sons' door jamb is separating at what to me seems like an alarming rate, or maybe it's just more than any other door jamb separation I've ever witnessed, which to date is only this one. I still am not 100% convinced that we aren't going to wake up in the middle of the night suffocating under the collapsing floorboards even though no one else seems as worried as me.

My life is settling too. I was thinking about the house and it sort of mooshing itself down in the dry earth just by the pressure of its' own weight. Getting steady. Me too, I thought. This is me too. I spent a long time resisting pushing myself into the ground not quite sure of where to stand. It's one of those things like every damn sober thing: you just know when you're there. I picture a bird on a wire- flying in, feet out, catching on, and then shaking out its' wings. Then settled. Settling.

Then I thought of all the settling I did with my life before I got sober. How I settled for being a shadow of the woman I am. How I settled for being a drunk. How I settled for next day hangovers, one night stands, blackouts, forgotten fights. This is my life, I thought. I can't undo it all. I settled for it. Finished, I thought. Done deal.





This picture was taken at the start of my very worst year (2008-2009). I know now that I had a whopping case of post partum depression and being an alcoholic made it so much worse. I was trying so hard to settle in to being the woman it looks like I am in the picture, but in reality I was flailing all over the place. No safe place to land- wings and feet everywhere. Staying out all night. Dabbling in a little cocaine. Training for a marathon and picking up smoking again. Digging into the quicksand of my life over and over and over and over again. Somehow I found my feet around the end of the year and stopped behaving like a maniac. Still drinking, but no more all nighters, no more drugs. I settled for the shame of it and hid from the repercussions by acting like it never really happened. Even now thinking of that time gives me a vacant pit in my middle.

Recovering from that one year took a lot of forgiveness. If you want to know how magic your husband is, be a drunken fucked up asshole for a whole year with a new baby and a four year old and he forgives and loves you anyway.

Going back there is hard. It helps to remind myself how far I've come from that woman to this one: two and a half years sober. It helps to feel that hurt because I am made up of all the good and bad that's been done. It helps because I know that bad won't be done again: I don't drink anymore so I don't forget who I am anymore.

There is a fierce comfort in the settling my life is doing. A rightness. I am establishing myself as this woman I am today, and leaving behind the shaky ground I inhabited for so many years. Resolving the argument between who I was then and who I am now. I am settling down, settling in. Settled.



14 comments:

  1. Settled and beautiful. Than you for the inspiring post.

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  2. Hello pretty lady :) Look at you shine! xx

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  3. settling for shame vs the fierce comfort of your new life = no contest! xx

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    1. No contest at all- just took a long time to get started! Xxoo

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  4. ha ha the WV test was just one of those where you have to select from photographs and the question was 'select all the food' - and two of the other photos were beer and wine! hurrah for not 'feeding' ourselves with that crapola anymore!

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    1. Lol!!! No more crapola for the win :)

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  5. I've been in offline (aka isolation) mode for a few months, so haven't been as active reading blogs, so I've missed a lot of your posts. Reading through them now, I feel like a long-lost relative who hasn't seen his kin in years and is looking at photographs of the missed time. Some sadness for not being there at the time, but mostly smiles and nodding and such pride in seeing how much you have grown and accomplished. The biggest change I see is calmness, serenity even, and not the kind one fakes for the sake of others. I can just feel that you are at a good place, even if every day is not perfect or exciting, it doesn't have to be...because if YOU are good, then that goodness surrounds you.
    Much love,
    Christy

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    1. Christy- thank you so much! What you said is exactly how it feels. Sobriety and all its' levels, how you take a step or two and then finally stay there. And it feels good, even when it's hard or sad. Thank you for reading, and I'm glad you're coming back. I took a hiatus from Facebook and after my three months was up decided to keep going. It's nice to be in this life and not in the online one. Xxxooo

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  6. Great post Amy. I hope that one day I will feel as settled as you do now. I long for that inner peace and contentment. I have a long way to go, but will hopefully get there one day. A x

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    1. You will! Think about how much more settled you feel already. Thank you :) xxxooo

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