Day 7
I never knew how many feelings I had until I started actually having them.
7th Good Reason to be Sober
Feelin' it
When I was drinking I pretty much had three feelings: drunk, hungover, and guilty.
Now, holy moly. There are so many feelings I might have to ask some to just please sit down and wait your turn. They aren't all joy and peace either- some of those bitches grab on with the big teeth and will not let go. Sometimes I feel so gleeful and glorious and whole altogether that I might turn myself inside out with my grin. Sometimes I feel quiet and thinkful, then thankful, then cranky and crazy making. Mostly I just feel pretty dang normal. Divinely normal.
One feeling that never goes away is this: blessed. I don't mean in a grab your book of hymns and march it down to the pews way, or a someone go get Jesus way. (But if you want to go ahead. He's a cool guy. And I do like singing.) I mean it in a deep down wash me in rainbows way. A woot woot woot WOOT! way. In the earnest thank you way that this is now my life. Because I am sober I get to feel it all.
That feels worth it.
Showing posts with label sober Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sober Christmas. Show all posts
Thursday, December 19, 2013
8 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to be Sober Day 8
Day 8
The value of the help I get and give cannot be measured even with the big ruler. I would never, ever ever have gotten to feel the cradle of a helping hand- whether it be a pen pal, or a friend, or a group, or my own backbone without first asking for help.
8th Good Reason to be Sober
Helping hands
When I was drinking I could never ever ever ask for help. Ever. I just drank and remained helpless. Helpless.
When I quit drinking the one big big biggest thing that made me not jump in the car and buy ninety four bottles of wine to chug while I made dinner was this: I wrote an email to a woman I'd never ever met or heard of and said, "Hey, I'm trying to quit. I'm scared." And then Belle wrote me back and said, "I'd be glad to be your pen pal." And she help save me.
Because I asked.
As I got more sober time I learned something: I could ask myself for help. And then I would show up. Every time. Reliably. I became my own help. I help save myself.
Because I ask.
Then I prayed to the universe for a face-to-face friend and Universe Amy showed up. I call her when I need to say "Gah, life is a plane crash today and my heart is breaking into pieces." and she reminds me that I'm OK. Makes me laugh. Values me. She is help.
Because I ask.
And then I joined a women's recovery group. I cry and laugh it out loud over and over: "Help me. Help me. Help me." All these hearts and hands reach out and save me.
Because I ask.
Some say you gotta sin to get saved. But I think you have to ask to get helped, and when you get helped you get saved more that you ever imagined could be real for your one living life.
You reach out your scared hand and heart and say "Help me. Heal me. Save ME. SAVE ME. HELP ME."
Just ask.
The value of the help I get and give cannot be measured even with the big ruler. I would never, ever ever have gotten to feel the cradle of a helping hand- whether it be a pen pal, or a friend, or a group, or my own backbone without first asking for help.
8th Good Reason to be Sober
Helping hands
When I was drinking I could never ever ever ask for help. Ever. I just drank and remained helpless. Helpless.
When I quit drinking the one big big biggest thing that made me not jump in the car and buy ninety four bottles of wine to chug while I made dinner was this: I wrote an email to a woman I'd never ever met or heard of and said, "Hey, I'm trying to quit. I'm scared." And then Belle wrote me back and said, "I'd be glad to be your pen pal." And she help save me.
Because I asked.
As I got more sober time I learned something: I could ask myself for help. And then I would show up. Every time. Reliably. I became my own help. I help save myself.
Because I ask.
Then I prayed to the universe for a face-to-face friend and Universe Amy showed up. I call her when I need to say "Gah, life is a plane crash today and my heart is breaking into pieces." and she reminds me that I'm OK. Makes me laugh. Values me. She is help.
Because I ask.
And then I joined a women's recovery group. I cry and laugh it out loud over and over: "Help me. Help me. Help me." All these hearts and hands reach out and save me.
Because I ask.
Some say you gotta sin to get saved. But I think you have to ask to get helped, and when you get helped you get saved more that you ever imagined could be real for your one living life.
You reach out your scared hand and heart and say "Help me. Heal me. Save ME. SAVE ME. HELP ME."
Just ask.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
10 Days Until Christmas: Countdown of Good Reasons to be Sober Day 10
Day 10
I was sick in bed all day yesterday which is why we're having day 10 and 9 on the same day. I wanted to post, and then also wanted to sleep a lot. I feel better today, not 100% but better. I had my day 10 all picked out, but now I'm switching 10 and 9, because 9 seems more like it should be where 10 is and vice versa. Without further ado.....
10th Good Reason to be Sober
Care-taking
I debated for an hour before I called in sick to work yesterday. This was around 4 AM. Finally my voice- you know that one, the smooth Sade voice that soothes you and mothers you when you are all chatterbug: "No no no, I have to go. I can, it will be fine, blah blah bullshit bullshit....." And then Mama Sade steps in and talks some sense: "You are sick honey. It's OK to stay home. It's OK to get well. You need sleep and hot tea. It's OK to take care of you. It's OK to take care of you."
Being sober has given me the enormous gift of knowing when I need some lovingcare. It has made it easy to recognize my crazy making self and be able to reach out for her hand and say, "Whoa there. Slow down. Stop all that thinking and breathe a minute. You are OK." It has made it a priority for me to look out for numero uno- me. Which isn't selfish, or rude, or taking anything away from anyone else. Being my own care-taker has made me trust myself again. Who is looking out for me? Me, that's who.
And because I take care of myself I can deal with life. I get to feel strong enough to weather the storm. I get to have faith in me because I give myself love and tenderness and care.
I was sick in bed all day yesterday which is why we're having day 10 and 9 on the same day. I wanted to post, and then also wanted to sleep a lot. I feel better today, not 100% but better. I had my day 10 all picked out, but now I'm switching 10 and 9, because 9 seems more like it should be where 10 is and vice versa. Without further ado.....
10th Good Reason to be Sober
Care-taking
I debated for an hour before I called in sick to work yesterday. This was around 4 AM. Finally my voice- you know that one, the smooth Sade voice that soothes you and mothers you when you are all chatterbug: "No no no, I have to go. I can, it will be fine, blah blah bullshit bullshit....." And then Mama Sade steps in and talks some sense: "You are sick honey. It's OK to stay home. It's OK to get well. You need sleep and hot tea. It's OK to take care of you. It's OK to take care of you."
Being sober has given me the enormous gift of knowing when I need some lovingcare. It has made it easy to recognize my crazy making self and be able to reach out for her hand and say, "Whoa there. Slow down. Stop all that thinking and breathe a minute. You are OK." It has made it a priority for me to look out for numero uno- me. Which isn't selfish, or rude, or taking anything away from anyone else. Being my own care-taker has made me trust myself again. Who is looking out for me? Me, that's who.
And because I take care of myself I can deal with life. I get to feel strong enough to weather the storm. I get to have faith in me because I give myself love and tenderness and care.
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