Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Giving a Fuck

I talked myself into a bit of a tizzy this morning- you know how you sort of convince yourself that things just aren't going the way you want them to. Like this: "Ugh. I ate that graham cracker cereal last night. I feel fat. And also so many cashews. Why can't I stop drinking so much coffee? I think coffee makes me eat sweet stuff. I'm blaming everything on coffee from now on. And I have to stay up later so I don't wake up in the middle of the night wide ass awake. The coffee again. Fucking coffee."

And I won't replay the other conversation about the GIANT zit I have forming on my chin from all the sugar I ate this weekend. It is giant, but I'm resisting the urge to mash and squeeze it until nothing comes out and I've made a huge red spot on my face that scabs and peels for a week and a half.

But y'all, at least I give a fuck.

This is my new mantra. My way of making myself seem sane when I'm making myself my own special brand of crazy.

I care about my skin and my sleep. I pay attention to what I eat and what I drink. It matters if something isn't organic, or is pumped full of chemicals. I hydrate. And try to remember to floss and brush every night. At almost six months sober just being sober isn't an excuse for me anymore. It's not a free pass to eat eight cookies, it's inspiration to do better because I know that I can.

Being sober is so much more than just being not drunk. Perhaps we can change it to being human, or being a full human instead of a half assed one. Worrying about all this shit may seem pointless but for me it shows me that I care about myself. I'm concerned for my welfare and well being. How about that!

Belle always asks me a valid question: "What if you were good enough right now?" But what if I am? And what if enough is enough, and better is more me- or to feel like me I need to kind of try things on for size to get the life that feels comfy and fits. What if coffee seems right for a while, but then I can bend another way? And that way is better? What if wondering and trying is my way?

Speaking of trying, and new, and my way- I can't run. This is heartbreaking. Running is my one thing that is ALL MINE. And I can't do it. I keep setting my alarm so I can get up early and walk, but then it goes off and I feel like what's the fucking point? So I'm going to have to wonder and try myself into doing something different for a few months until my foot heals. Another thing to gnash and gnarl over. But I am getting better at noticing when I'm not doing things because I'm fearful in a small or big way. Or knowing that I'm being a big fat ego about it. (walking? Hrumph. That is not running. Walking does not make me a bad ass. Laying in bed ignoring the alarm definitely does not make me a bad ass either!)

So I am good enough right now. And I'll be good enough tomorrow, and the day after that too. And maybe one of these mornings I'll be good enough on a walk. And I won't eat too many cookies when I'm feeling nervous. And I'll keep on trying to do better, not because it's a way for me to beat myself up, but a way to show me how much I really care, that I really really give a fuck.


  1. Oh my gosh...the crazy isn't just in MY head!? I've been doing the same thing with chocolate AND coffee. Not that I intake enough of either for it actually to be causing my skin to break out, me not sleeping well ect. But you are right, at least we care now! I've been resisting the urge to make myself give them up for a month (sugar too) Because I know in my head I don't need to take on that challenge right now.

  2. This giving a fuck seems a side effect of sobriety. I think it never lets up, constantly pointing out some self-destructive or annoying habit I could surely improve upon. Sometimes I wish it would shut up, so I eat too many delicious cookies to piss it off, but it doesn't work. Maybe this is part of the process to feeling happy with who we are. Already I am much happier with myself than I was six months ago. Steadily making progress, but like you, eternally grateful that I give a fuck.

  3. Being sober IS so much more than not being drunk. Welcome to RECOVERY. Once again you are about six months ahead of me so...


    I love being on this journey with you . Thanks for that.


  4. Hi Amy,
    You probably follow some running blogs? injury forums? you can commiserate with the injured, it helps the way sober blogs help with not drinking. Do you swim? swim if you can. weight train? stretch? yoga? There is always some aspect of your fitness you can work on. Annoying? yes. True? yes. Who is your favourit athlete who came back from injury? adversity? Read their bio. watch rocky. watch american flyers. I'm not sober yet, but i have been through MANY injuries (some alcohol related,many not :)

    best of luck. heal up. Stay sober.