Until now I've had a truthfully "easy" time of it as far as craving alcohol. (Did I really just say that out loud?) I don't long for glasses of wine, or if I do it passes and I move along relatively unscathed. Just another passing thought.
Until last night. When I was driving home from work and it hit me like a TON OF BRICKS.
I wanted a drink, a bottles of wine. I could see myself settling in on the porch: wine in hand, I should get cigarettes too. I would drink the first bottle so fast and smooth, light cigarettes one after another until I was soothed and stinky and drunk.
Holy SHIT.
And even more holy shit because then I started reasoning it out with myself in my head.
"I've made it six months. No one would fault you. It would be fine. I'm off tomorrow, and Monday. Plenty of time to recover from a hangover. I can stop at the store, that one right there, where I used to get beer and cigarettes. I MISS that store. It looks so safe, so right. I should stop."
But I didn't stop. I came home. My four year old came down and asked for cereal, not tired. (It's 9:30 PM by the way) So he had cereal. I had water and snacked on blueberries, and coconut, and cashews. Flipped through the mail and found a letter detailing a women in recovery series I've been waiting for.
Rock on universe.
It got me worried about our camping trip later this month: our annual beginning of summer trip that tends to be a bit of a booze fest. A bit- heh heh. How am I going to do this trip and NOT DRINK?
Is it too soon? I'm never around people drinking. And I want everyone to whoop it up if they want to. So I might just be in bed at nine with the children. That would be OK. I'd better start pep talking now. Luckily the first day of the recovery series is the day we get back from our trip.
Luckily I can do hard things.
Woke up to your post today and I have to comment. Read yesterday's post about all the changes you want to make on the heels of your being 6 months sober. I kept reflecting on your post thinking that I wanted to send a comment saying why don't you feel good enough about yourself and maybe those feeling are what made alcohol a problem for you and then I read today's post about sudden cravings (with early stages of plotting) and I wonder if both posts are somehow connected to each other. Expressing all those feelings and changes in the first post maybe (that really chipped away I felt at your self esteem) made you long for that bottle of wine. You are a beautiful writer and I'm in awe of your 6 month accomplishment (ok jealous!) but maybe it's time for you to begin to stop spending so much time in your own head - it can be a bad neighborhood...
ReplyDeleteI feel great about myself.....most of the time. Wanting to do all these things isn't for "self improvement" rather "self enhancement". I didn't make the list because I feel like I'm lacking, more about being excited to try new things. I've thought long and hard about your comment- thank you. Really. It made me consider deeply if these things were out of desperation or about trying new stuff.
DeleteEmail me if you need a pen pal to help you along. :)
It's funny, Amy. This is the second or third blog post I read this week that explored the same topic, plus on the recovery boards I haunt also have had a rash of "I had a craving out of nowhere" type posts. Maybe something in the Universe shifting. Or we're just a bunch of alcoholics who at times have a thought of a drink. Maybe a bit of both. But I will err on the side of the latter. It's what happens time to time. Believe me, even after two years, I get the occasional "what if.." and then I have to shut it down and focus on something else - helping someone out (cereal for the boy? perfect!) or on something recovery related (oooh...that series I was waiting for...lol). I know old timers who still get that out of the blue thought now and then. We;'re alcoholics...what do we expect? ha ha.
ReplyDeleteBut it's what we do and how we react that is important. Just because we get those thoughts doesn't mean it's going to happen. It's just a thought...it passes and then it's gone. Have more blueberries. Read a trashy mag. Clean that kitchen cabinet that's a mess. That's the kind of stuff that gets me out my self.
Wonderful, honest and hopeful post :)
Blessings,
Paul
It really came out of NOWHERE! And last night too, making dinner having cheese and crackers BOOM.
DeleteI wonder if it's having 6 months that tricks me into feeling safe.
Thanks Paul. Cheers. :)
Oh I HATE those cravings that come, seemingly out of the blue, and kick me in the ass. They scare the crap out of me because they are so unexpected and out of the blue and I find myself doing exactly the same as you, rationalizing why it would be okay. Ugh!
ReplyDeleteBut, also like you, I try to distract myself and, eventually, it passes.
The only thing I can say about your camping trip is that sleep is your best friend. I found myself leaving parties early and crawling into my bed all snug and then just sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. So yes, get in bed with the kiddos, tell ghost stories and sleep away the cravings.
You've come so far, so well in such a short time. You've got it in you if this is what you really, really want.
And no matter WHAT happens, I'll still be here for you to vent to when you get back.
Love your honesty...
Sherry
Oh yes, it's what I really really want. I quit forever. I like this life too much to go back to the other one. Part of being sober is DEALING. I can deal. I can be afraid and still deal. Even under the covers. :)
DeleteThank you so much! :)
OMG those out of the blue cravings! I still get them! I got no explanation. My sponsor says that this is my reminder that I am still an alcoholic! LOL! Glad you made it thru! Woot woot!
ReplyDeleteAwww - your comment to me about emailing you if I need a pen pal touched my heart - I'm not ready yet but you can be assured that when I am you'll be hearing from me. I'm so private (though queen of outgoing if you ever met me!) that all of this kinda stuff makes me anxious - that's why I so respect your just putting it out there...
ReplyDeleteI bet you'll do great on your camping trip. You'll get to wake up hangover and regret free every morning and have energy to get the most out of your days. Hate those ugly surprise moments, but they seem to pass quickly enough. Little (scary) reminders, I guess.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I just saw this. You know, I wonder if Anonymous has a point about the two things being connected. I'm not sure how. But maybe putting that pressure on yourself has fed into craving the 'relief' of booze or... something. I don't know. I just know that when I read that post I felt a little uneasy for you and I couldn't quite put my finger on why. And of course this makes me feel uneasy for you too but it's obvious why.
ReplyDeleteAll the new goals are all great, good stuff. But maybe now is the time to put the brakes on and stop and take some time to truly reflect on all that you have accomplished these last six months. You have gotten sober. That is HUGE. You have done amazing things. Take some time out to appreciate them. Take some time to remember how you got here and why you want to stay here. Don't take those cravings too lightly my friend. I know you're strong but it's a slippery slope for the strongest of us. And, as they say - and I've experience - relapses really do start in the brain long before you pick up a glass.
I would hate to see you do that because I know YOU would hate it. I know you are not necessarily contemplating drinking - just expressing the cravings - but, still...
You are awesome. You are awesome. You are awesome.
Drinking will add nothing to your awesome.
We adore you.
Lilly xo
Since everybody with allergies seems to always blame their maladies on things that are blowing around in the wind no matter what season it is and whether the wind is blowing or not, maybe us alcoholics should do the same thing. Blame it on little molecules of beer or wine that somebody sneezed into the air and one of their wine filled snot bubbles floated into our air space and threw our alcohol immune system into chaos. Whatever it is, it's going around. I'm sure part of it's the summer and long hot days and evenings spent outdoors just like when it's winter and we're all forced inside and there's nothing to do but sit in front of a roaring fire and sip...you get my drift.
ReplyDeleteI've had the melancholy wine-baby thoughts myself lately, but having the thoughts and acting on them are miles apart. However, if you find yourself pulling into the liquor store lot, just to go in and browse, you're in trouble.
Here's what I do, or actually what I should do, when I'm feeling wistful about booze. I should make a list of everything that being sober has brought me, it would be about 100 pages long, and then I should make a big bonfire and throw the list in. Because that is what would happen if I drank again, all of those gifts of sobriety would go up in smoke.
Hey how are you ? Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are doing ok. Lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Amy
ReplyDeleteI like reading your blog you are a good writer :)
Miss you & hope everything's OK. {{Hugs}}
ReplyDeleteHey are you okay? Please check in...
ReplyDelete