Instead of a people pleaser I call myself a peacemaker. I think this is a people pleaser, but maybe the deluxe version. Not only do I want everyone to be happy, but I do it at the expense of my own well being. With some added meddling and fixing where I really don't belong.
My mother and I have a complicated relationship. I adore her, but she can be difficult to deal with. Which I'm sure she would say about me immediately in rebuttal. I defend her a lot in my head to myself and to other people. Try to protect her. Try to make people see the person I see.
She is loud. Opinionated. My way or the highway. Quick to tell me she's proud of me, but quick to say something hurtful too. We have a seesaw dynamic that never feels steady, or safe. I don't like asking her for help- it always seems to come with baggage. Her moods are unpredictable.
I want her to be my soft place to fall. So much. I want to trust that when I call she won't be on a rant, or in a bad mood. I have A LOT of issues coming up with this that make me nervous and feel more alone in the world. Which I am feeling. Which are a big part of what I was hiding from in wine bottles. Which is hard for me to admit because of loyalty to her, love for her. She is my mama after all.
I put myself in the middle of a situation with her that I don't want to be in. I realized that I put myself in the middle of a lot of situations I don't want to be in, some I don't even belong in. Oh.
By not drinking the bad away I suddenly got my get out of jail free card. Hello, my name is NOT the middle. I don't have to help her with this ongoing sticky situation. It's none of my business. The universe just told me politely to 'butt out". And I wasn't drunk, so I heard it. Loud and clear.
Bravo!!
ReplyDeleteIt is totally ok to butt out. I had to learn to do that with my mom, too. I used to think I was being helpful when actually she was taking it as me being bossy. Nice big slice of humble pie for me.
Oh girl we have GOT to firm up our plans to meet. Go back and read some of my old posts about my mom...we have a lot in common.
ReplyDeleteSomething that helped me immensely was a book called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride. I don't know if your mom is narcisstic or not, but there's a lot in the book that explained some things, helped me come to grips with some things, and especially (my mom has passed away) helped me to forgive lots of things.
And I know you feel lonely but you're not alone...
And I also know it's not the same.
Sherry