I've been on this thinking tear lately: so much to think about! I kind of feel like my life is a 5,000 piece puzzle and I'm working out where all the edge pieces go. And also finding that bit of that middle part, and now oh! here's that piece so now that makes sense.
Not all of it is awesome. In fact, some of it kind of hurts. Suffocates. (Like the my mother stuff) (which is not overly dramatic, but not the Cleavers either). But it makes me feel closer to me. Like I understand myself, and that I understand myself with compassion.
I've been thinking about how I'm finding freedom from my past. How I am not my mother. How I'm not that miserable drinky woman I was a year ago. How now that I'm sober I can decide who I am, it isn't decided for me by my past, by my alcohol abuse. By me. How it's really really OK to be proud of who I am. To feel like I'm doing fine. Great even. How it's best for me to be kind to me.
I was talking with someone yesterday about how the year seems to be just flying by. But then this morning I thought about July 4th- which was only almost a month ago- and life isn't flying by. So much happens that I've started keeping my daily what-happened-today calendar up again. (Just one to some sentences about what happened that day, and if someone said something funny/notable jotted down right before bed when I probably should be flossing.....) Life is taking up time.
Then I started thinking about how life is so full of life now that I'm sober.
.....wake up hungover.....be cranky and guilty all day.....open wine.....drink.....
.....wake up early.....write.....make coffee (I couldn't drink coffee when I was drinking booze- it made me anxious and edgy- ramped up the shame thoughts by about fifty million) family.....eat.....ride bike to work.....garden.....hang out.....read.....pool....make plans....cut flowers....pick tomatoes.....imagine....feel awesome.....feel shitty.....dogs....open heart.....well, you get the picture.....
The part I like about it is that I am actually doing the living instead of watching it pass me by while I get drunk again. That I'm in the game and not on the sidelines passing on playing. I'm in it! Me, flailing and missing that perfect play. Me! Making the winning point! Me- participating. Being a part of, not apart of.