Saturday, August 3, 2013

Part Of





I've been on this thinking tear lately: so much to think about! I kind of feel like my life is a 5,000 piece puzzle and I'm working out where all the edge pieces go. And also finding that bit of that middle part, and now oh! here's that piece so now that makes sense.

Not all of it is awesome. In fact, some of it kind of hurts. Suffocates. (Like the my mother stuff) (which is not overly dramatic, but not the Cleavers either). But it makes me feel closer to me. Like I understand myself, and that I understand myself with compassion.

I've been thinking about how I'm finding freedom from my past. How I am not my mother. How I'm not that miserable drinky woman I was a year ago. How now that I'm sober I can decide who I am, it isn't decided for me by my past, by my alcohol abuse. By me. How it's really really OK to be proud of who I am. To feel like I'm doing fine. Great even. How it's best for me to be kind to me.

I was talking with someone yesterday about how the year seems to be just flying by. But then this morning I thought about July 4th- which was only almost a month ago- and life isn't flying by. So much happens that I've started keeping my daily what-happened-today calendar up again. (Just one to some sentences about what happened that day, and if someone said something funny/notable jotted down right before bed when I probably should be flossing.....) Life is taking up time.

Then I started thinking about how life is so full of life now that I'm sober.

Before Sobriety:

.....wake up hungover.....be cranky and guilty all day.....open wine.....drink.....

After Sobriety

.....wake up early.....write.....make coffee (I couldn't drink coffee when I was drinking booze- it made me anxious and edgy-  ramped up the shame thoughts by about fifty million) family.....eat.....ride bike to work.....garden.....hang out.....read.....pool....make plans....cut flowers....pick tomatoes.....imagine....feel awesome.....feel shitty.....dogs....open heart.....well, you get the picture.....

The part I like about it is that I am actually doing the living instead of watching it pass me by while I get drunk again. That I'm in the game and not on the sidelines passing on playing. I'm in it! Me, flailing and missing that perfect play. Me! Making the winning point! Me- participating. Being a part of, not apart of.


12 comments:

  1. I do get the picture, and it's beautiful. You and I are in the same place. For me, I think I need to take some time and sit and imagine what my life would look like today, five years from now, 10 years from now, if I was still drinking. It's pretty scarey stuff.
    I love my life today. Sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed and busy, I stop and think, "Can you believe this is your life? Isn't it wonderful?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to hear you love your life. :) Me too, even with all the hard stuff.

      Delete
  2. You've articulated the feeling I've been trying to name, participating. I was at a bit of a loss to find the right word because some days aren't super awesome dragon slayer days, just ordinary with a grumpy one here and there for good measure. The fantasy sober life I envisioned is turning put to be calm,ordinary and filled with gratitude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me too- I know what you mean. I can only slay dragons occasionally, then I have to take a break and be an ordinary life. :)

      Delete
  3. Brilliant. I too was just realizing this morning how AWESOME that coffee tastes. After a night of drinking, all I wanted was an ice cold diet coke. I know water was the better choice, but I needed the taste of that sugary sweetness pouring through my veins. This morning's cup(s) of coffee were simply delicious. I loved the part of putting the puzzle of your life together. I have only put one or two pieces together so far, but I can't wait to get to the edges!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This puzzle of my life is going to take a long time to finish. And it's a good hobby.

      Ugh diet coke! :) I never got attached to it, but know so many people who are.

      I love the ritual of morning coffee almost as much as I love the coffee.

      Delete
  4. I really love this post. It's early days for me (Day 29!) but I'm already starting to have a sense that my whole life is here and I am living it, not blurring through it. It's an awesome feeling. You've said it perfectly. (And "miserable drinky woman" is a great phrase. I'm going to make a mental pic of me with wine and label it just that.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It sounds like you're getting into the groove. :) Keep on being proud of yourself.

      Delete
  5. Great to hear from you lovely Amy.. great that you are pressing on the good strong brave route.. great that you are figuring out who you want to be, who you are not, who you ARE. Great that you have such lovely days. Great great great. xxxx

    ReplyDelete