Tuesday, August 20, 2013

See These Keys




I want out of my own head so badly some days. "Please!" I would cry, to anyone who'd listen. "Help me out of here! I'm trapped!" And here I am, holding the keys the whole time. But they're invisible keys. They just jingle. And have a lot of weight. So I know I can get out, but I just can't see the way. And I keep clearing the way, but then here's more stuff! And jingling keys! And then I go bat shit crazy. The end.

OK, well, no. Not the end. Just a few more days of me, swinging around out there on the end of my rope. Dangling in space at sixty some million miles an hour with exploding brain disease. Lord.

Do you ever just get so so sick of yourself? Like, ugh. Me to self:  "Go away. I am so sick of you. Tired of you! Sick and tired of you! And also you are fat." The end.

It seems difficult, since I know that even when I'm feeling worse I'm getting better. So that's really cool, and really awful. Yesterday in my group there was this:

Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers
      but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain but
      for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
      but hope for the patience to win my freedom.

Here I am, being patient. Working for my freedom. Stirring my pain. Although sometimes 'being patient' looks more like me crazycakes screeching in the kitchen and then crying. Feeling my pain, even when I don't understand why I'm in it. Saying "I'm sorry for being so screechy" and hoping it is enough.

I think it comes from never ever being able to let me be. I was listening to music in the car and there was a piano part I get really excited about and I play the steering wheel and the air like I'm playing piano. Then I do some singing too, which I get a kick out of. But then, I start to think something like this: "I'll bet the person in front of me knows how to play piano for real and can tell I don't know what I'm doing. And I look stupid."

Now, now, don't get all "Oh! It's OK! Don't worry about that!" because I know, I know. I just wonder how I got to be my own worst enemy. That I am the solution to the problem, and in a cruel twist of fate, the very cause of it. Well, fuck.

I think I need to ask for more help. And be more help-full. It's no coincidence that my tea with sayings had this one today:



And it is. I can take a breath, ask for help. Look for signs. Remember that I'm doing it, I'm sober. That I'm not the worst person, wife, mother, air piano player, etc. in the world. I'm just me in the world. Finding the keys.




12 comments:

  1. Maybe you should find someone that you can go and properly talk to about getting this self-critical voice out of your head. I've been thinking about you a lot and worrying a bit that you are having a hard time of it.. I think you are so brave and amazing and wonderful and I want you to think that too. (ok I don't know you so this might be a bit cyber-stalkingish but hopefully you take it in the spirit it is meant). I want to see you soar Amy.. you deserve it. xxxx

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  2. It's just early sober. I am mostly fine, which I might should write a post about. I do really, really really like me. Sometimes all the self discovery just gets overwhelming. I have my recovery group which helps, and also two good in person heart friends who listen. Plus, try to remember to take me with a sense of humor. I'm a little wry and self deprecating, but in a totally loving kind way. I find my struggle to figure me out kind of humorous. And trying.

    I know that a year from now I'll read all these angsty posts and smile a little knowing smile. Some of it comes from waiting so so long to be me, I'm still pretty mad at me for not getting it together a long long time ago. All this forgiving and growing takes time. Eight and a little months in I feel good about my progress. But I'm still learning to fly.

    Thank you Mrs D for caring and for your kind words. :) I think you're pretty damn awesome too. xoxoxo

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  3. You just gave me something new for my toolbox. "Remember that I'm doing this, I'm sober." Thank you.

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    1. I'm sober. The important words to practice and remember.

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  4. We have GOT to nail down a date! Soon!

    Sherry

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  5. Brilliantly written, your post got a hard grip around my heart. I totally understand the overwhelming part of sobriety, just keep working for your freedom and exist in the present moment and you will do great :)

    Have a happy Friday and weekend! *hugs*

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    1. Sometimes I think it's that the freedom is so big, and such a relief that the overwhelming part is that there's so much good. So much falling in to place at once it starts to feel a little like there's too much gravity- that I'm floored by it all. And maybe I just need to lay there for a few minutes.

      Happy weekend to you too! :) xoxoxo

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  6. I Love this post and the idea of finding keys, that is so cool. I have to remind myself too, that I am doing the best I can and that I am doing enough! Because when, I was drinking all I would do is pile all the self-pity together and then just sit in it and believe it! Such a great reminder! Hugs

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    1. And when you have the keys, but you're just all crazy shoving ones that don't fit into broken locks- that's when things get cranky. Taking a minute to take a breath, and remember that everything is really, really OK- and then the right key appears. It helps me to remind myself how different things are too. xoxoxo

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  7. Amy your posts are so insightful and thought provoking, I just love them. I know EXACTLY what you mean about playing the piano and thinking those kind of thoughts even though we know that it is not even logical. I had never even thought about that in relation to this journey but it adds another piece to the puzzle for me. Thankyou

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    1. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that you get it. Our own special brand of wacky. :) I can pick myself to bits with the minutiae, and then that generally means I'm avoiding something big that really needs my attention. Our puzzles are looking good. xoxoxo

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