Thursday, November 21, 2013
Good Advice
I've been feeling super cocky in my sobriety lately. (Being in a magazine didn't hurt.) Like I am a sober badass, and will be forever. Nothing will stop me. After a summer/early fall of feeling pretty wavery and sad and just down in the dumps something changed and I took another step up- another leap away from boozy me and towards this awesome new person I am slowly becoming, that I already am.
It still feels very uncomfortable to think of myself in positive terms, but I'm practicing. A lot.
Which makes me realize that at some point in my life I felt really good about me, and then I felt toooo good about me. And then I got knocked down several times and finally stayed down.
I can be quite firm in my beliefs. Almost unbending. I can also be "If I can, you can. So just do it." Not super fair.
I want so much for anyone struggling with alcoholism to find their way to sobriety- consistent, lasting sobriety. And I'm at this point where I have almost a year, and I feel good about it, but I cannot forget where I came from. That bossing people into being sober (which is where I was heading) is not the way to help people to be sober.
Alcoholics aren't really the type you can boss into anything. Alcoholism is really an act of defiance. You can't really manhandle people like that (me) into anything, much less saving their own lives. Lord knows no one could have told me to stop drinking. It just would have made me drink more. And it did! The more I told myself I needed to quit the more I wanted to drink. You can't tell me what to do.
I'm struggling some with guidance and excuses. How to hear someone's struggle and it be expansive, and then how to draw lines in the sand that define boundaries that cannot be crossed. How to hear explanations, but not excuses. How to have forgiveness, and have expectations. How to hear people in their sobriety, not mine.
My universe friend Amy and I had a really good good conversation yesterday and I could tell I was feeling so smart and wise and superhuman. My advice is so good. My thoughts are wonderful and the best. I was basking in my glory.
And then she said some things in her universe Amy way that brought me back to earth.
One of them thundered through my head: "When you start feeling invincible is when it gets really dangerous. Then you could be way more likely to drink."
It reminded me to be humble in my sobriety. It reminded me to listen to those who have years on me, that my wisdom is far from complete. It reminded me that I am me, and you are you. And that to be the strong person I am and want to be I have to be able to use what works for me, but then I also have to use what works for you, too. It reminded me that I have a lot to give, and a long long way to go.
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I had this whole comment typed out when I realized it wasn't coming off the way I wanted it to and I'd rather just talk to you about it the next time we meet (sometime after Christmas would be good).
ReplyDeleteBasically I wanted to say that I found myself in this exact place at about this same time. It took a while for me to soften and realize that everyone has their own path and all I have to do in this world is support and love them until they can love themselves again.
Once again, you are miles ahead of me. :-)
Namaste my friend
These sort of touchy subjects can be.....touchy. I can be unbendy, but I am also willing to listen and think on it. A huge change from drinky me.
DeleteI can't wait for our next meeting!!! It makes me smile just thinking of it. :)
Ack, this is so timely for me, too! I have been finding myself trying to confront all of my family issues now that I am beginning to feel good being sober. I got dropped down a peg by my father who believes he can drink normally again. It made me realize that these issues are so much bigger than me...all I can do is be humble and worry about myself and my own sobriety. A hard lesson in boundaries! Thanks for the post! xx-Jen
ReplyDeleteI just try to remember that I can't fix it all at once, and also that just because I'm ready it doesn't mean someone else is. Keep communicating openly. That's how we can learn from each other.
DeleteI wanted to just thank you for being so honest. Because of your magazine article I'm 4 days sober. After years...about 10 of heavy drinking every evening I loathed myself. Sunday night I got drunk as usual & woke up at 1 a.m. with a pounding head, nausious , heart racing & sweating. I hauled my hungover ass to the couch. I had just gotten Good Housekeeping in the mail & hadn't read it yet. As I flipped through it I came across your article. I was shocked....there's woman like me? Mom with 2 children, wife , stylist, in church on Sundays but get wasted every night & plaster on my fake smile just to do it all over the next day!! OMG, there's blogs with people just like me that don't judge?? That was my first sliver of hope. Because of you I've found Belle & joined the 100 day challenge. Because of YOU!
ReplyDeleteThank you, but you were the one who was open to trying. You were the one brave enough to say I can. I want to. I'm so a glad you're here!!! Write to me if you need to or want to. And keep going. :)
DeleteThank you for your post Em Anne...I also am at 4 days, because of that article. Just wondering about this 100 day challenge
DeleteNona
Nona, a woman called Belle over at Tired of Thinking About Drinking has the 100 day challenge. She was my pen pal that helped me stay quit. Head over and take a look and join in. :)
DeleteHere's the link: http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/
DeleteThanks Amy...I keep re-reading your article. Still white-knuckling it but in a few hours I will be in bed and and will have made it 6 days. I am definitely checking out that site..can use all the help I can get
DeleteAmy, you are a sober badass! I like this post.
ReplyDeleteI love that You (Sherry and Belle) welcomed me back to the blogging world without any bossy ideas, after a time away- just support and understanding.
Day 18. Those worst 14 days are over!!
Jenny G.
We are sober badasses!!! Giving you support supports me too. It reminds me to take care of me like I want you to care for you.
DeleteDay 18!!!!!! That is grand! Such a big fine number.
Awesome post Amy..thank you
ReplyDeleteNona
You're welcome! :) xoxoxo
DeleteThis happens to all of us, Amy. The thing is, we don't want to get cocky, but at the same time we do want to enjoy it and be of service to others, yes? It's a balance. In hockey (I just wrote about hockey, so I have it on the brain, excuse me), sometimes a player will pass the puck and instead of watching where they are going, they will watch the puck. Almost always, an opposing player clocks the passer. "Admiring their pass" is how the announcers describe it. I too have to watch that I don't get too precious with my own responses or experiences. I am there to help someone, and yeah, I have some experience, so I will share that. But the moment I start to believe my own pres...well, I can get that wollop from the opponent. Humility...sometimes hard to maintain. But humility can be small things like asking someone for help, or reaching out, or saying that we're hurting. For me, it's going to meetings, sharing, realizing that I certainly don't have the answers. I have some responses to things where I have been through, but my perpsective changes often.
ReplyDeleteDon't trounce yourself on this. Your Amy friend is right. Feet on the ground, not head in the clouds. It's a reminder to me too, Amy :)
Great stuff.
Cheers :)
Paul
Im at work,just read ur article.Started to cry,it hit hard.Im failing at quitting.I wonder how much do I want sobriety if I cant stop...Im so very tired of feeling horrid. I felt hopeless,then saw ur article,and think maybe I can.I dont know.Im just scared.Thank you for sharing ur struggle,the success.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't failing at quitting, you are practicing for sobriety.
DeleteYou can be scared. Scared is totally normal. Being sick of feeling like hell is totally normal too. You want sobriety so much that you keep on wanting it, even when you feel hopeless.I know how you feel, it's sucky and hard.
Write to me. Go over to http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/ and take Belle's 100 day challenge. Decide that you are done and then get some non alcoholic treat drinks to have at the end of the day. Buy some flowers to look at to see how pretty your life is without booze. Be kind and gentle with that voice that says "It's OK to drink" but tell it firmly "No way. Not this time." And then take deep breaths and start adding up days. You can do it. You can.
Thank you so much for thewords.I need strong women to support me.Women keep each other honest.I had 35 yrs of sobriety,and blew it in the last yr.Insidious disease.
Delete35 years of sobiety..and I fell.How could I ever be of help to anyone?I signAnonymous...I am an artist,full of artists Sensibilies.I think I feel too much.I lie to myself,and believe the vodka makes me more creative.Its killing me.
DeleteStay out here with your support. 35 years is a long time, you've had a lot of sober practice.
DeleteSo stop letting it kill you. Take that part of you that says drink and give it love and comfort instead of vodka. That part of you is hurting. Bring it into your heart instead of drowning it.
Write to me every day: just to say you're sober. Or more.
I read your article in "Good Housekeeping" this past week and boy, could I relate! Thank you for writing. January 21st, 2014, I will have gone 1 year without a drop. Still remember that night- the spinning, throwing up from 1am all the way to 1pm amazed my stomach still found stuff to toss. Anyway, it took me 35 years of 50 to stop. There had been nothing like camaraderie with the girls having a glass of wine. And then the weeknights coming home from work, unwinding with the 1 glass then 2-sometimes more... I wanted to quit, like you, I wasn't "the classic" as we think, alcoholic. Or was I? What helped me and now I have so much fun with this, is like you, Amy, I pulled out my favorite wine glass and have become a connoisseur of sparkling waters...with lemon, lime, no ice. And I discovered going out with the girls is still a lot of fun. Half the time, someone might think I am having a vodka drink if its in a cocktail glass. They still like me and think I am fun without the alcohol! I never guzzle, I sip. I had been really nervous about this, being around others drinking. And its okay, I remind myself of that night and actually start feeling that awful spinning. For those quitting, congratulations, welcome to the club. Buy yourself a special glass, fill it with a sparkling drink- they have those sparkling juices in what look like wine bottles at the supermarket. Perrier! Pelligrino! Whatever it takes, but don't get the non alcoholic wines. They are too close to the real thing. And one other thing I found helpful, I never mention I don't drink when in social situations so that the talk doesn't start focusing on alcohol. It seems to work. Thanks, Amy for inspiring me to write about my own experiences. I hope it helps others.
ReplyDeleteEmbracing sobriety has helped me so much. It sounds like it has helped you too! That and remembering howuch hangovers suck. Waking up sober never gets old.
DeleteAmy, I always enjoy your posts, and I've been thinking about this one. I like what you say about being humble, and how all of us who need some kind of help are rebels against authority in one way or another. (Like you, "telling me what" doesn't work, even though I don't accept the "alcoholic" label for myself.) But I also think that, with all you've accomplished, you don't want to be brought down to earth too hard. I mean, you should feel pretty darn good about yourself and feel you can offer advice. (And as someone taking a different path than you are for now, I feel you're always respectful of difference.) So be humble, sure, but please be sure to balance it with little cheers of "Amy Amy you're so great!" Otherwise it's not balance after all. Take care. T.
ReplyDeleteI do try to keep that balance- but make it more about satisfaction rather than a cheering section. I feel a quiet pride about myself that I've never had before. Thank you for the kind reminder to not give up grinning self high fives.
DeleteThe "alcoholic" word doesn't fit me right either. It feels so masculine,and it feels so shameful. I don't know if we have to embrace it to help it gain new meaning, or if we need a new word.
Thanks- as always I value your thoughts.
I was excited to find this blog in the magazine and look forward to reading some older posts. I quit drinking almost 2 years ago but I don't talk about it very much. I was much like you! A good mom except I didn't remember the conversations I had with my adult kids. I picked fights with my husband. I was losing my precious good health. Now it's all different and I feel very happy with myself. The effort is so worth it!
ReplyDeleteYay! We have been a hidden crowd for a long time- I look forward to being able to reach many more people in the same situation by being sober and proud. Read other sober bloggers too- there's lots of great stuff out there. I'm glad you're here! :)
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