It has been such a damn thing- me waking up at 5, then going back to sleep unless I have to work. Avoiding all the things I love to do in favor of hiding in bed, or playing Plants vs. Zombies vs. living my real life.
But here I am this morning. So there!to the feeling that makes me want to hide and stay in bed all the live long day under the covers watching the whole second season of "House of Cards" in one sitting. FU.
I did manage a run day before yesterday- hurrah! I was thinking about how much I love running, and then how much I love yoga, and writing. You know, all those things I love but don't cultivate in my life because I am used to hiding. I am most comfortable trying to be as small as possible. Sometimes I think I would rather be alone, in a tiny cabin in the woods with no one around to love or to please, just me being a plant or a zombie all by my lonesome.
Why is the weight I give myself still so heavy?
In group yesterday I spoke about how I don't feel cared for by my husband- how he makes himself kind of an island, and then I feel like I'm left to fend for us all. But, am I really caring for myself? It seems so easy to just spew blame on other people when I am not doing the work of recovery and self care I need to be doing. I'm being my own island. Fuck.
Gah! The hardest part about knowing the good things I need to do for myself is the actual doing of them.
I am in this totally confused spot right now. Like I'm in the middle of a place, and there are all these directions I can go, and so I just stand there paralyzed. Scared. Unable to decide about simple things so I'm having this inner dialogue: "OK, so go ahead and get up to write. Then you can do that 20 minute yoga thing you like, then roll around on the floor and be squishy for a while. Um, oh. Well I feel warm, and comfy....I'll get up in a minute. Get up, come on. I can't. I can't. I want to. I can't. I don't really want to. I really do. No I don't." Once in a while, sure. Every day? I didn't go to yoga on Sunday because I couldn't decide if I wanted to or not.
I don't know. (obviously!) Sometimes I feel like getting sober was supposed to be my gift, my way to stop being so me and start being me. But the longer I am sober, the more I want to avoid me. I still do all the things I hate about myself, I just don't drink. My inability to commit fully to the life I want makes me crazy. I can make lists and plans and then here I am, back to old reliable me. I think about how, if I could just get things going and make habits I would be fine.
I think about how I am just human, and should go with it. It just occurred to me that perhaps if I worried less and just lived it more that maybe things would be more better. How I am totally overthinking things, as usual. How I am addicted to alcohol and over-analyzation. Jeez.
It's like sitting here, trying to write this post, having a terrible case of the should be's: this should be better, longer, not so whiny. I should be happier, thinner, and training for the half marathon I'm supposed to do in April. I should be doing yoga and meditating almost every day. I should write every day. I should take out all the static and hear the noise. I should be better, better, better than the me I am right now.
.......runs screaming from the room......
Ah well. At least I'm moving.
In the I Ching, there is a comment about drawing back to gather strength for the next spring forward. Stopping drinking was a mighty spring forward- perhaps you are now consolidating and gathering strength for your next forward spring, whatever that might be? And thinking about things I take as a good sign, seeing as thinking almost always precedes doing. Keep on!! And congratulations on not drinking!!
ReplyDeleteWow! What a wonderful comment!!!
Deletegathering strength for the next spring- I love the way that sounds. Thank you!
DeleteWell, if there's any comfort it in for you, I think I've had that very same conversation with myself every day for the past 30 years or so, as well. I've found, for me, the answer is to get out of my head and have that conversation with someone else. At least for now, I'm finding that bouncing my "I shoulds" off on someone else helps me get down to the "I need to" or "I want to" part of it. Godspeed and good luck!
ReplyDeleteGetting out of my own head is like, one of the most most important things I can do. Too much time in here makes me feel like a hamster on a wheel. Thanks :)
DeleteAmy, this post makes me want to give you a giant hug. Makes me want you to give yourself a giant hug. It does sound like you have a massive case of the shoulds and the should-bes. I don't think that "should" stuff gets us anywhere. It doesn't with me, anyway. It's a part of that big extra weight you no one needs to carry. And 5AM is soooo early. Isn't it just normal that, nearing the end of winter, and just after an exhausting move, you might be tired and just need to hunker in for a while? Maybe you are cultivating the things you love, but that includes taking care of you, too, and to do that you need to rest and relax sometimes. Today you are writing. A few days ago you went for a run. Maybe you just needed some under-the-covers time to recharge.
ReplyDeleteObviously, I don't know. I hate the sludge of indecision, too, and I know how awful it feels to have all kinds of plans to buff and shine my tatty old self, but then the self just won't get with the program. That's where I have to listen to wise people like Pema Chodron and Brene Brown, and realize (again) that maybe accept rather than improve is what I have to do. To me, you seem to do an amazing amount of work, taking care of family and working and writing and doing all sorts of things, but no one can do all of them at the same time, and everyone needs rest and down-time. Maybe I'm babbling here. I just think you are wonderful and kind and I want you to take all that loveliness and turn it on yourself and treat yourself well. Take care. xo
5 AM or before is the time I just wake up naturally- it's not like I'm struggling to go back to sleep, I'm just laying there thinking about the few things I want to do but unable to unparalyze myself from the thinking and actually do them. What I know I don't need is more time thinking about what I want to do- more doing less thinking. :)
DeleteAnd you are totally right about the self hug and the remembering the things I do do. Thank you so much. I think you are really great too. xoxoxo
I am trying really hard to replace 'should' with 'could'. I have spent too long in Shouldville. Time for a change - if/when that's right for YOU.
ReplyDeleteCould is such a nicer word. I'm going to try it.
DeleteYou are amazingly honest with yourself, and that is so huge. I have seen it from the very first time I stopped by your space...your WRITING space, no less. Give yourself a break! Take good care of you no matter what that means. Thank you for sharing your struggles and joys with us. Sending you a big hug. -Jen
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you. Sometimes taking care of me means moving my bullshit around and getting out of my own dang way. I'm needing to find the line between kind and care full and being a little hard on myself to make things happen. Hug gotten and given back. :)
Delete"You know, all those things I love but don't cultivate in my life because I am used to hiding. I am most comfortable trying to be as small as possible."
ReplyDelete--I could NOT hear you more on this! It's exactly how I am. Once you get out of that hypnotic headspace of the drinking treadmill, you start to realize how much time you've spent away. But then you realize you prefer 'away' even without the drinking. I love your writing, it's the most honest voice about addiction that I have ever found. I lurk a lot and don 't comment much but I just wanted you to know that your words, however much you overanalyze them, are true and beautiful and real.
hypnotic headspace is just the right way to describe it. getting into the meat of living is hard when I'm such an avoider! thank you for your kind words about my writing. :) xo
DeleteI have read all your old blogs and check in on your site on a regular basis. I am almost 3months sober and your writing and honesty about your journey has helped from day 1. I am so moved by this post because I think so many if us feel the same way. We have this idea of who we should be and disappointed when we don't follow our own rules or meet our expectations. " I am the same me except I'm not drinking" the drinking has been in my mind the excuse for not doing all the things I should or be the person I should. We have to be kinder to ourselves. Life is right now and sometimes we have to be ok with not getting everything done or doing everything we should. When did we start being so mean to ourselves? Is this constant drive to be this wonderful creative energetic thin happy happy person the reason why we said fuck it and poured another glass to begin with? I think this is big stuff. I would get up hungover and get my ass on the treadmill at 530 every morning or exercise at 9 at night after work and running kids and now that I stopped drinking I can't get the discipline back to get up early. I like the idea of being left alone too. Thanks for putting your honest feelings and struggles in words. We are all right there with you. Carry on. I will keep reading and rooting for you. Big hug. Denise
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your 3 months +. :) It sounds like you still need some rest. I have to remember that for myself too. Finding the balance of rest and motivation- ugh. Still working on that. But it feels OK to still be working on it, even though it's so frustrating at times! I found that after I wrote this I felt so relieved, and then realized that it was because I had reached out and tried to not be alone that I felt better. Huh. Support can make all the difference. I'm still thinking on this. Thanks for your kind words. Big hug back. xoxo
DeleteSometimes I feel like getting sober was supposed to be my gift, my way to stop being so me and start being me. But the longer I am sober, the more I want to avoid me. I still do all the things I hate about myself, I just don't drink.
ReplyDeleteDo you know how HUGE that is alone? I just don't drink. There's nothing 'just' about that. It's huge and you've done it and getting to know what was underneath those layers and layers of drinking and squished emotions is going to take so much time. If you are getting impatient with yourself, take your own advice and be KIND TO YOU. You told me that at the very beginning and it was a HUGE turnaround for me. I just didn't know how to be kind and then when I did it, it just didn't come naturally, still doesn't, but I do it anyway, cause it works.
You are not being kind to yourself at all in this post. Read it again and see that if anyone else wrote like this about themselves you would telling them to get a grip, to not be so hard on themselves.
I hope that you are feeling better and this was just a bad day, sending you hugs and support and remember how fabulous we all think you are. You do so much work here, Thank You xxxx
Thanks Carrie- I felt so much better after I wrote it- sometimes I just have to get those feelings out and it makes them go away. I have a hard time being nice to myself sometimes, and then sometimes I'm toooo permissive. The everlasting balancing act. So much better than the everlasting drunk act. Things are much better! xoxoxo
ReplyDelete