This morning I opened my email and slogged through all the unnecessary stuff I delete every day without reading it. All of the sudden I realized- Heyyyyyyyy......I can unsubscribe. I can clean up my in box and not spend time every day wondering about these random emails that I never open, or intend to open later, or just delete instantly.
My inbox is like my life. Our impending move has given me invitation to reflect about my time here in this house. The first few years in this town. It's made me think about how much I have changed in almost two and a half years. The bulk of it in this past year alone.
Wow! I have done some big ass self-house cleaning. I did spring ones and fall ones and daily ones and unplanned ones. I have slowly but surely been getting my inner space in order. It gives me such a feeling of contentment to look back and realize this progress. I encourage you, no matter where you are, to think back on the days you've spent minding your self.
I've been thinking about what makes it work- what makes things actually cleaned up and not just shoved under the rug.
Being honest with myself has been the hugest biggest hugest thing that has really gotten things going. At the very beginning of my sobriety: "Am I really an alcoholic?" "YES!!!!" And then "Am I really this sad?" "YES!!!" followed by "Am I really afraid of that? And this?" "YES!!!" The inside honest made it easier to take: "Is there hope for me?" "YES!!!" and "Am I doing this right?" "DOUBLE YES!!!"
I'm towards the end of a Whole30. It's reminded me of the tied for number one thing that has helped me get things really deep clean: boundaries. Rules. Things I say yes or no to no matter what. Guidelines I follow every day that don't change on whims and winds. When my inner spoiled brat pipes up and says "Quit. Right now. This is RIDICULOUS!" I have these inner laws that when broken have consequences. (Oh, hello there consequences- we barely know each other huh?) When I break my laws I pay for it. And because of that honesty I damn well know it, too.
Another thing I did was opt out of going to a race with my husband today. It was two hours away, then he runs, then we drive two hours back. Kind of boring for the kids, I have other things I could do for me. Not going made me feel guilty, like he was sad we weren't going. So I asked, "Are you sad? Do you want us to go?" He said, "No! It's OK if you don't go!" So there's a third thing that keeps my house clean: believe what people tell you. I have a horrid habit of scurrying around in my brain trying to eek out what people are really thinking. Or maybe they are saying what they are really thinking and I am just trying to make them say what I'm thinking.
My brain works so hard.
So instead of standing out in the cold with the kiddos while my husband runs up a mountain I'm blogging. And boxing things up. Doing some yoga. (Oh! My new place I've been going! OH!) I'm making myself do things when my brain says don't. And doing things different when my brain feels uncomfortable and like I am being totally rude. I am unsubscribing to all the junk mail that clogs my inner in box. It's just as easy as opting out.