This morning I opened my email and slogged through all the unnecessary stuff I delete every day without reading it. All of the sudden I realized- Heyyyyyyyy......I can unsubscribe. I can clean up my in box and not spend time every day wondering about these random emails that I never open, or intend to open later, or just delete instantly.
My inbox is like my life. Our impending move has given me invitation to reflect about my time here in this house. The first few years in this town. It's made me think about how much I have changed in almost two and a half years. The bulk of it in this past year alone.
Wow! I have done some big ass self-house cleaning. I did spring ones and fall ones and daily ones and unplanned ones. I have slowly but surely been getting my inner space in order. It gives me such a feeling of contentment to look back and realize this progress. I encourage you, no matter where you are, to think back on the days you've spent minding your self.
I've been thinking about what makes it work- what makes things actually cleaned up and not just shoved under the rug.
Being honest with myself has been the hugest biggest hugest thing that has really gotten things going. At the very beginning of my sobriety: "Am I really an alcoholic?" "YES!!!!" And then "Am I really this sad?" "YES!!!" followed by "Am I really afraid of that? And this?" "YES!!!" The inside honest made it easier to take: "Is there hope for me?" "YES!!!" and "Am I doing this right?" "DOUBLE YES!!!"
All that yes didn't come without no. "Can I continue to use cookies to get me through the rough stuff?" "NO." "Can I please take the easy way out today?" "NO." "Is it ok for me to take my shit out on other people?" "NO WAY." "Can I drink again?" "TRIPLE NO WAY EVER!"
I'm towards the end of a Whole30. It's reminded me of the tied for number one thing that has helped me get things really deep clean: boundaries. Rules. Things I say yes or no to no matter what. Guidelines I follow every day that don't change on whims and winds. When my inner spoiled brat pipes up and says "Quit. Right now. This is RIDICULOUS!" I have these inner laws that when broken have consequences. (Oh, hello there consequences- we barely know each other huh?) When I break my laws I pay for it. And because of that honesty I damn well know it, too.
Another thing I did was opt out of going to a race with my husband today. It was two hours away, then he runs, then we drive two hours back. Kind of boring for the kids, I have other things I could do for me. Not going made me feel guilty, like he was sad we weren't going. So I asked, "Are you sad? Do you want us to go?" He said, "No! It's OK if you don't go!" So there's a third thing that keeps my house clean: believe what people tell you. I have a horrid habit of scurrying around in my brain trying to eek out what people are really thinking. Or maybe they are saying what they are really thinking and I am just trying to make them say what I'm thinking.
My brain works so hard.
So instead of standing out in the cold with the kiddos while my husband runs up a mountain I'm blogging. And boxing things up. Doing some yoga. (Oh! My new place I've been going! OH!) I'm making myself do things when my brain says don't. And doing things different when my brain feels uncomfortable and like I am being totally rude. I am unsubscribing to all the junk mail that clogs my inner in box. It's just as easy as opting out.
Wonderful post Amy. I have done a huge amount of cleaning up and clearing out too in the past year. I've needed to opt out, unsubscribe, and relinquish control too. It's a process I still want to pull against sometimes but I am getting better at seeing when and why I want to run away from shit and trying to front up to it. Glad you are here and not out there in the cold...x
ReplyDeleteThank you Carrie. :) I keep picturing putting the books neatly in the bookshelf, keeping things tidy now that my biggest mess has been mostly cleaned up. I like order! That makes it seem so odd to me that I lived the majority of my life out of control to one degree or another. I feel best when everything is in it's place. Myself included. I'm glad to hear you're feeling those good things too.
DeleteI don't think of myself as a people pleaser, but I too have trouble saying no---always making excuses--sometimes quite elaborate. I have always admired people who could simple opt out by saying "that doesn't work for me" and let it be enough justification! A wise therapist introduced me to idea that being "Self-full" isn't being selfish. Apparently normies know this and practice it without a second thought. I am learning slowing that is ok to put me first, and not beat myself up about it later. It doesn't feel natural, or easy. but sometimes it feels perfectly wonderful!!!
ReplyDeleteHmmmm, a wise therapist huh? :) She is pretty damn wise. Putting yourself first is definitely self FULL. It has been so lovely to realize that my first responsibility is to myself, and that I have to keep myself content to be able to fully give to others and other things. Sometimes "No, but thank you" is the perfect answer, as well as "Yes! I'd love to". And it gets easier the more you practice, which *is* perfectly wonderful!
DeleteWhoop! Wow you sure are leaping and bounding at the moment aren't ya. I can't believe even with 3 moves in 5 years we still had boxes of stuff to go to the second hand shop and carloads of shit to take to the dump. I love love love clearing out stuff and sorting and organizing. I am definitely not a hoarder. Hey.. I didn't know you were doing the Whole30..! How are you going? It has totally changed my entire diet.. been 2 months now since I stopped and my baseline diet now is whole foods only with occasional cheats. It really has been brilliant for me.. hope it's doing the same for you. Good luck with the move! xxx
ReplyDeleteYep, Whole30-ing it up over here. I'm going for 100 days. I did a Whole30 about 2 weeks after I quit drinking and smoking last year (holy crap, I am into self torture!) and it really changed the way I felt, and gave me something to concentrate on besides not drinking or smoking. I eat really well, but had really backslid last fall into the holidays. It was making me gain weight and miserable! So I quit caffeine Jan. 1, then started Whole30, I'm on day 23 today. It makes me think about my emotional attachment to food, how I shovel down cookies because I love them and because then I can overeat and slam myself with guilt all the next day. Sounds like drinking thinking to me! I may be an alcoholic, but I sure don't have to act like one.
DeleteThe move is days away! Thanks for the good wishes. Is it possible we are living almost parallel lives but me with one less child and half a world away? :) :) xoxoxo
I love that - unsubscribing to all the junk mail that clogs my inner inbox! Such a good way of putting it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! We don't have to read or listen to it all, do we? :)
DeleteHuh. I have always liked order, too. I like this so much! xx -Jen
ReplyDeleteI am definitely a things in their place woman. Thank you!
DeleteThis is an inspiring post, Amy. I love this post…so clever, as always!
ReplyDeleteI bought the Whole30 book and it is sitting on my shelf - the same place my sobriety is…guess it's time to grab them both and open them up. Thank your or that post.
Jenny G.
Thanks! Sobriety welcomes you anytime. ♥
DeleteI like order, too, but I'm not too good at getting it. Right now I'm taking care of the neighbour's cat, and I love having a clean table to work on. (Of course, I've already left a stack of books there, too.) I have been trying to opt out of things that take my attention and don't deserve it, but I think you've inspired me to tackle the actual physical clutter head on. (Mental clutter I'm working on too, but that will take way longer.) So thanks for that!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the packing and moving, and finding time for yourself in the meantime. xo
I wonder if all of us orderly folk all have drinking problems! ;) Some days I can clean mental house, some days I have to take a break from it. Moving has been so wonderful ( new place is so lovely) and challenging (day 4 now and loads left to do). Thanks for reading. Xo
Deletethat removed comment was me..logged into another account for another reason...oops!
ReplyDeletemeanwhile, i also did a 30 while packing and moving. It was so helpful, actually, kept me focused on what i needed to do rather than eat. gave me a sense of control over a situation that was so out of control, so hard. I pretty much eat that way all the time, but i also just finished another one because i was a sugar monkey prior to the new year...so i did a 30 to get off that. Of course i have relaxed since, but am feeling good about the sugar.
I am astounded you did a 30 two weeks into sobriety tho..my god! my first 30 was last january, almost 2 years in, and it was hard! but i get the idea of the rules and the consequences, for so much in life. I am happier when i am not thinking about food or clutter or anything other than what's in front of me...I also feel physically better and NOT feeling that way is a consequence I am rarely able to accept with food, and NEVER, obviously, with drink.
I abandoned Whole30 at day 28, just like last time. But it was due to starvation and a kitchen covered in boxes and the close proximity of a fried chicken biscuit. I have to avoid sugar: doctors orders. My annual blood work shows rheumatoid arthritis and sugar is TERRIBLE for me. But lentils and chick peas are good, so cobbling together my own plan. I am so much happier when I'm controlling the food etc. But not obsessed with it. Attentive not crazy. Xo
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