Thursday, February 13, 2014

Moving House

I have been wanting to write but moving took up loads of time, and then the internet was working, but not really. And then there was the moving, and then more moving, and then more troubled internet, and then tra-la! A brilliant husband who understands fixing internet stuff and a just-enough-to-trap-us snow/ice storm hit yesterday and all I've got is time!

Moving was a great reminder of how well I can handle things now that I'm sober. (I sang 'sober' in a little sing songy voice in my head.) We moved for five days- getting our things here, cleaning things there- it was a chore. The children fried their brains on video games and ran around in the big new backyard while we stacked firewood. My husband and I did not fight one single time: we each had an "I want to strangle him/her" moment on the fourth day, but did not blaze and swear at one another. We just kept right on going.

None of this would have ever happened so gracefully if I was still drinking. Picture drinking me stressed out and hungover trying to accomplish a feat requiring infinite patience and patience, and then more patience. I think walking on water might be easier than being that.

It was difficult, but in a kind of good way.

Instead of drinking and being hungover and stressed and then drinking more because I'm stressed and then more hangover culminating into a quadruple double hangover by the fifth day I had a lot of bengal tea and nice snacks. I am taking my time putting things away- stowing things in the attic in labeled boxes, putting things where they go rather than just shoving them into hiding places because I feel like ass crap.

I do that on the regular now though. Taking my time that is. Understanding that when I feel, need, or want something that it may take some time for it to untangle itself and be resolved. By regular I might mean about 47% of the time, but that's a vast improvement over the frantic woman I was, always straining for the finish line and not paying attention to what was going on around me. I can clearly remember the feeling of just wanting the day to be over for chrissakes. That's why I would have my first glass of wine around five o'clock: it signaled that the day was over and I was free to be finished and finished. And in a strange way it was a way to say, "Oh, well. I didn't quit drinking today. But there's always tomorrow." So it was like hopeless and hope full all at one time.

This house doesn't have any of me drinking in it. When I look at the back porch I don't automatically think of the flower pot overflowing with wet cigarette butts, of me out there slowly drinking my life away while my little boys slept upstairs. The kitchen is just our new kitchen- not where I made big glasses of wine and seltzer while pretending to cook dinner but really just boiling water for an hour while I went back and forth outside to smoke. This neighborhood isn't where I drank myself silly with my neighbors and then woke up to wonder if I'd made an ass of myself. I won't be herding the kids out to the car to make a quick trip to the store for a coke but I really just need wine.

That woman doesn't live here.

I'm still prone to outbursts of impatience that are sort of *ahem* over the top? I'm still me, but a clearer version of it. I still like pretty much all the same stuff, except for all the booze I used to adore and hate all at once. It's strange to think of myself in a house where I don't have any drinking history. It's comforting to know that here, in this new place, I won't wake up wincing and hungover wishing for more sleep and better willpower.

I have moved my life so much in this past year and some. Now there's a new location to go with it. A house that already feels like home. It feels so safe here without the booze specter rattling chains and moaning about. I am able to feel the regular feels of moving: where am I, excitement, nervous, unsettled, grateful. I am able to handle something big without booze. What a relief.

What a welcome home.


  1. A very happy welcome to your new home, and a continuation of your new life! You are fabulous!

  2. So happy for you!!! New you, new house, new sober memories!!!!

  3. You are my super-hero! Persevere!

  4. New home, clean slate, fresh start.
    Here's to creating some wonderful new family memories in your new home.
    You deserve this. Make sure you give yourself a nice break after all the stress of moving. Treats, treats, treats!!
    Lots of love X

  5. Well done you! I tried to quit just before moving house, then decided I couldn't do it. It's immensely stressful moving a whole family, even if things go almost to plan. I feel a bit humbled reading this post after I'd filed a sober move firmly under "impossible" ;-) Settled into new house now and six days sober, hopefully another move not on the horizon any time soon!

  6. How lovely to have a fresh start in a new home. Congrats on getting moved and settled and learning to take your time doing it. Big hugs!

  7. There is nothing better than a nice fresh start to something. And, now you have a new home for new memories. Congratulations!

  8. Love this Amy!
    I wrote something similar recently, about that feeling of never having a drink in my new place. Lots of memories are not here, but drinking is one of them and I am so glad about that. This place feels safe, and I feel new here.
    Glad the move went smoothly! Congrats

  9. Thanks y'all! The move is still ongoing, but progressing nicely. I don't know whether I'm thinking of it as a clean slate or just a not dirty one. :)

  10. Wow! It seems that moving houses was such a breeze for you. Although it was a bit stressful, I know that you and your family wouldn't trade the experience. I’m glad to hear about how happy and satisfied you are of your new home. Thanks for sharing that, Amy! Congratulations and all the best!

    Cathy Schwartz @ Best Rate Removals