Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Happy New Year!

Tra la! Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. I have been back to back birthday sober for the first time since I was about twelve. How cool.

I have been thinking about the past year- how my birthday last year was really just wonderful, how I was in a really gooood space then, and then just six weeks later I was dumped in a depressed place that I didn't leave for almost six months.

I have lived a year. I lived it- I felt it. A year. It has been amazing and glowing and full of too much of me. There have been so many times when I wanted to stop recovering and just shut the hell up in my head for a while. I don't think recovery ever stops, but I do think there can be peace and quiet with a lot of praying and practice.

This birthday was sort of plain: There was oatmeal and homemade cards for breakfast. I did laundry, made asparagus salad. My parents came for lunch and my dad made me a cake and a pie. We had a tentative peace. My husband took a nap and went to work. My youngest and I sat on the porch and started making a wind chime. Soccer practice. Scrambled eggs and toast for dinner. More cake. I'll write and then go read and fall asleep. I already washed my face and flossed. Woot woot!

There's something about this plainness that is deeply satisfying. I am not drunk and confused. I am not spending a load of money getting wasted. I am just here, by myself, on my birthday chasing nothing. It's so exciting to just be still. To feel what it means to be content. To sigh a sigh of settled.

I have learned some things this year. In no particular order:

1. I like to love and be loved. I am getting better and better at saying kind things- brave enough to speak up and tell people how much they mean to me, or to say thank you. Brave enough to risk getting hurt. Brave enough to be OK with it. Brave enough to not second guess myself all the time, to just say it like I say it not the way I think someone wants to hear it.

2. I am also so much better at asking for help. When I feel like I can't instead of saying "No, oh no why me I can't I can't" I say "Help me please" and then I close my eyes and free fall. Someone always catches me. ALWAYS.

3. Recovery is annoying. Sometimes I want to wash my hands of the whole thing- not that I want to drink again, but just stop all this getting better. Ack! Alas. I know that when I'm feeling the most cocky and un-needful of my recovery is when I need that sucker the most. And so I sort of make myself go back into the water even though I am so prune-y and over it.

4. I am getting used to praying. This year is the year I connect to my spirituality. I know I have always been connected, but it's sort of like God and friends have been waiting on the porch and I'm sneaking a peek from behind the curtains. This is the year I throw the front door open wide and say "Come on in. I wasn't sure if it was you or a murderer burglar. My bad. But now I recognize you. Welcome."

5. I can do hard things and not drink. I can deal with what life hands out. Good and bad. There are so many reasons to drink. There are so many reasons not to. 

6. I am an aholic. I'm an alcoholic, a thinkaholic. I am a my wayaholic, a cookieaholic. I am an obsess about my weightaholic. All of it is the same pleasure feeder in my brain: too much thinking about how much I totally suck and not enough of the pleasure of being just the me I am right now this minute today. I'm practicing. It baffles me how I fight and box myself into corners of sadness and despair. How I am totally fine, but I can wend and wind my way into feeling never ever good enough as fast as you can say stop that. I think that most of the battle against being an aholic is just putting down the weapons and maybe holding hands with yourself instead. I think I'm a yellow belt in this. But someday I'm going to really be kicking some serious ass. And it won't be my own.

7. I believe believe believe with every bit of my big grace full heart in as many chances as it takes. People write to me and say things like "I keep going back" and "You must think I'm so wishy washy" and "Why can't I quit". Me too, me too. I was there for twenty years: wailing and excusing myself over and over again- making those early morning promises and then getting drunk that very same day. For years. I remembered this morning that I made a video of myself a few years ago telling myself not to drink. I remember watching it and drinking anyway. I think it takes a huge amount of courage and divine intervention to make a roadblock strong enough to withstand the temptation of the booze exit. I think everyone has it. I still sometimes scratch my head at why, why that one morning I woke up and had that inner earthquake that changed my lines forever. I do know this: I really deep down believed that day if I kept drinking I was going to die sooner than I wanted to. And that I was going to die alone and miserable and when I did I was really going to hate it. I could see my bloated lonely self in a dingy apartment full of longing and regret and I stood up inside and said "FUCK THAT". Forever without a drink seems like a damn long time. So does spending a lifetime in a living hell. I believe you have to keep on giving yourself chances until you realize how worthy you are of being sober. That you have to get to a point where all the finger pointing and blame becomes being exhausted enough to try actually caring for yourself.

8. I am much happier when I am not judging anyone. Not the bitch in traffic, not the person at work who makes me nuts. And especially not myself. Reminding myself that we are all doing the best we can helps me so much. Some days it's enough that all I did was not drink. Pretty much every day is that, and then some days are more magical than others. But I am alive and sober and so those two things make me innerly beautiful which makes me gorgeous all over. And I tell myself these things so I will believe them because they are true. They are true about you, too.

9. The biggest thing I have learned is that being sober has metamorphosed me into the woman I was always supposed to become. It has been ugly and sad and hard. It has been me, cheering myself on even when I wanted to give up and hide forever. It makes it nonexistenly important that I'm not rich, or skinny, or the best one of these or those. Sobriety has made me the best at me. It has given me what I looked for in the bottom of bottles and could never find- myself. I am who I am supposed to be.














26 comments:

  1. I love this. I especially relate to #6. I, too am an aholic. All of the traits you mentioned match my own. Very frustrating-and it takes the most time and effort to fix. I'm working on it daily. Great post!!!

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    1. Thank you! We are all quite a pair, aren't we. :)

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  2. I’m not where I used to be. I’m not where I want to be. But I am where I need to be.”

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  3. I just left a comment but now I think WP swallowed it... did it show up your end for moderation or something? xx

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  4. Crap. I guess not. In brief: It was me saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY. That it may have been 'plain' but also sounds lovely. That #7 touched me way down deep in my soul and that #9 deserves a standing ovation. <3

    xx

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    1. Thank you! I haven't been able to comment on my own blog until now. WTF. Grrr. :) Over and over I realize that I like things easy and plain. It's so much better. Drinky drama is for the birds.

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  5. Happy birthday, Amy! Am not far behind you on the birthday front, though this will be my first sober (whilst not pregnant!) birthday for a looooong time. Sounds like you had the best kind of day - being happy being you in your own skin doing what you do. Lovely post, thank you. Great list of things that you learned - I feel I need to work on #2. I need to stop equating asking for help with an admission of failure! So dumb. Feel like I first learned that back in my 20s and yet somehow need to keep learning it over and over. Best wishes. xxx

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    1. Thank you! The more you say help the easier it gets. I'm still always amazed that people really don't mind.

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  6. Aaaaahhhhhhhh what sweet bliss this post is. Love your list. Love your birthday. Love your wind chime. xxxx

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    1. Thank you thank you! I love that you caught on to the wind chime. :)

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  7. 'I think that most of the battle against being an aholic is just putting down the weapons and maybe holding hands with yourself instead' Amy what a great line and so true! Happy Birthday :) xx

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    1. Thank you! :) xoxo It's allllll about the self care. The more you care about yourself the less you want to fuck that self up. :)

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  8. Happy 43rd birthday!! Oh how I love this post. Most of all "muderer burglar"! I love the flow of your writing, the words you use. I think you're a black belt in being human and I find so many nuggets of wisdom from each delicious post. In this one, #6 and #8 spoke to me. Hell, it all did. I love how you spent your happy birthday, love that you're living and feeling and conveying peace, even amidst the completely normal, totally sucky discomfort of life. Just thank you for being you and for writing it all out and for putting words and sense to things that are hard and beautiful. You are awesome.

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    1. I think you are as awesome! Thank you so much! Life is sucky, and discomfortable sometimes, but it's a damn sight better than being hungover all the time.

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  9. Amy, I hope you had a great birthday! I love this list. Loving and being loved, not judging yourself or others, and seeing that you're truly coming into really being you, it's all so great to read about, and so helpful, too. Your day sounds wonderful to me. Calm but not plain. I'm really happy that you're here being you and writing about it. Lovely lovely lovely! xo

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    1. Thank you! :) Accepting love from others is damn hard, but gah! If you do and then it washes over you and soothes your spirit and you can feel good. And then you can love them back and they can feel good, and then everyone is feeling good. Ahhhhhh. xoxoxo

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  10. Happy wonderful beautiful birthday my friend. I wish you a year of all things good. But most of all, I wish you a year of peace.

    Namaste kid (I say kid because I'm 10 FUCKING YEARS OLDER THAN YOU!)

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    1. Thank you! You aren't old, me neither. We are young little kiddies diving into our big lives. Spring chickens! Bock bock! xoxo Namaste-

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  11. "I am much happier when I am not judging anyone. Not the bitch in traffic" I love this...dichotomy...lol.

    Anyway, Happy Birthday! Welcome to 43 :) (You now have to update your profile :) )

    I love this post, as I do love all your posts. You're in a great place. The days of treading lightly are over. You're getting strong, you're finding your voice, you're setting in new roots, you're creeping up higher to His light and the light of others. You're a great example to other women who are struggling right now. You have the peace and serenity. You may not have all the answers (who does?), so you do the next best thing - ask for help. Pray upon it. That's how we do this thing.

    Awesome stuff.

    Hugs
    Paul

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    1. Thank you Paul! I do feel like I'm getting rooted, like this is a good place to be. That I am not sort of shuffling and searching around for the real me but I know the basics and now I can expand them. All the answers are never possible since we change and evolve each day, but I sure like the view from here. Thanks for your encouragement. Cheers! :)

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  12. Happy "re-birth" day! I love your blog, and as I approach my first year sobriety date, I could relate to so much in this post!

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    1. Ha ha! Re-birth day! Perfect! I think I'll celebrate it every year! Congrats on your approaching year! Thanks for commenting. :) xoxo

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  13. I didn't see this post until now, but Happy Birthday Amy! This post is filled with nuggets of wisdom...love it. What you said about needing recovery most when you don't think you do, and not being judgmental, really resonates with me right now. Now to go look up Aholic. :)

    Big hugs to you! So glad to know you. xx

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  14. Happy happy (belated) birthday!!! A lot of your post really resonated with me, particularly the part about being happier without judging people. I also feel that way, although it's a hard habit to break. Thanks for sharing and enjoy all the beauty of another year!

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  15. Wow. New reader and totally found the sober blogging bubble just when I needed. Thanks so much for putting voice to my feelings.

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