Thursday, April 11, 2013

Tiny Parades

I must admit, I've been recoiling a little bit. Feeling a little lost in the shuffle/down in the dumps/pity party city. Not in a huge, or unmanageable way, more like in a ho hum sort of way. Jesus, life isn't a parade every day? What the hell?

But, then again...maybe it is. Maybe just not the Macy's Parade every day. (That kind of sounds a little hard to maintain.) Maybe a small town Arbor Day Parade some days. But a reason to celebrate nonetheless.

I've been getting bogged down in the "me-ness" of it all and forgetting to smell the roses. (another parade!) Is it possible to bore oneself to death with ones own self-ness? If so, I may be close. Like Belle says, "Get a life." Actually, she didn't say that, but I think she might have meant it. But in a nice way. More like, "Find something else to focus on besides just being sober." (That's what she really said.)

Here's another interesting thing about being sober: once you have been it for a while the excitement sort of wears off. That sounds shitty, doesn't it? But I mean it wears off, and that's a good thing. You just need something else to think about now that you're finished thinking about drinking. So for years I thought about how bad I felt because I was drinking, and then I've been thinking about how awesome I feel since I'm not drinking and now I think I need to start thinking about other stuff.

What the hell else is there?

I know, a thousand million things. And here's the other thing: not forcing it. Letting God or the universe or that tree over there reveal your new stuff slowly. At its' own pace. Not all this frantic searching "what is my thing, what is my thing, whatismything!?! I have to be interested in something! ANYTHING!"

So my new hobby is breathing. In. And Out. I added telling myself to relax and take it easy yesterday. I also try to make my mind blank. (*ahem*) Have you ever tried to make yourself not think about anything? This is hard. So I've been doing more breathing than anything else. What all that boils down to is not forgetting how great I am, and how good life is. And how even if there's only one float, life's still a parade.


  1. jesus, i love it when you quote me back to me ... Here's what I really said: "please don’t make me snort coffee out of my nose by saying blow jobs..."

    oh wait, that was a different email, different day.

    Yesterday what i said was: "so now here's a very gentle question. what is your next goal going to be? you're sober. you're not going to drink. ... spring cleaning? registering for a 10K run? rereading English 101 books? ..."

    happy day 126 to you. that's 3,024 hours sober once you get to 9 pm tonight. You Rock :)

    1. Ha ha! Blow jobs.

      That's a lot of sober hours...and even more now. :)

      You rock too, rock. :)

  2. Yup - this is about the time you will notice people drifting away from recovery forums and the like...they have been so super hardcore about recovery, thinking about it, working at it, talking about it, sharing about it, etc.and then poof! LIFE starts to happen! We don't hear from them as much or they drift. (I am not talking bloggers - that's a different thing!). I also see this in my own guys that I work with. It's all recovery all day, and then poof! he's got the job. Then poof! he's got the girl. The poof! he's got the car. Recovery starts taking on a different feel. It's not in our face all the time. It's shifting, changing. Like yours is.

    I love the meditation / breathing thing. It took me longer to get into it, believe me. I love it now. Took me time and practice. yes, practice. It's hard, like you said, to empty the mind and just be. Just being with ourselves was the LAST thing we wanted to do! That's why I drank!

    I love seeing where this is taking you...awesome :)



    1. It's cool to not have "SOBER" tattooed on my brain 24/7, but I'm kind of at a loss for words.

      I'll just keep breathing. Thank you Paul! :) Cheers!

  3. Isn't Paul amazing. I love what he wrote. And I agree with Belle too... think about what the things are that you like that make you feel good .. and keep doing them/step them up. For me it's cookbooks & planning new things to cook, exercise, if I'm feeling low I get some new oil to burn in my oil burner on my kitchen window ledge (a small cheesy cliched thing but the act of lighting a wee candle in the morning makes me feel like I'm looking after myself), taking the time to look right through the satelight tv listings and find programmes that are really naughty and fun (reality tv is my thing), new books from the library, making coffee dates, emailing old friends, getting a juicer and geting into making nice juices...!! Look, this is just me and I'm a boring housewife, your things might be more daring or glamerous or intellectual. whatever it is, find it, identify it and get on with it. You are doing SO GREAT!! xxxx

    1. Ah, boring housewives, boring toast. I like the monotony of the minutiae. It's like I'm a deck of cards and I'm playing 52 pick-up. With pieces of me. I'm kind of tap tap pat patting the deck back into place.

      You are doing great too! Green juice rules! xoxoxo

  4. This nailed it for me and where I am at these days. I'm even bored with myself! Love the idea of not forcing the Universe to reveal what's next. So hard for our types, isn't it? So, taking up breathing - how profound. I think I'll join you!!!!

    1. Hard not to force it, and hard not to know! I'm no bueno at surprises.

      So there's been a lot of breathing and self coaching: "Easy does it. Don't be super duper everything all day. Relax. You and you are just right."

      Breathing! A new sport! Takes the world by storm!

      Here's to us!

  5. Amy, I often feel the same way!! Not sure what I am expecting or searching for. I, too, am learning to just sit and be and rest and be comfortable with it. That is not always easy!! It's good fiction reading and Yoga that is helping me. And breathing....that's kind of important!

    Thank you for this great post!

    And....blow Jobs....HaHa

    Another Saturday free of a hangover!! Fabulous!


    1. Hangover free days are all awesome. Even when in a pit of despair. :)

  6. Breathing... Now *that's* a good hobby to have! Sure beats the alternative. haha.

    Yeah, I know what you mean about the novelty wearing off. Now it's just kind of who I am. But I mentioned to someone else how freeing it is to not drink anymore--it opens up a whole world to not have to worry about alcohol or hangovers or any of that crap anymore. It definitely helps me breathe easier!

    1. Def. beats the alternative. :)

      Being free from alcohol is awesome. There's so much less to think about, then so much more. Lord. Ahhhh, life. :)

      Ahhhhh, living. :)