Saturday, May 16, 2015

Just a Moment

It's Saturday night. I'm sitting on the little green couch drinking a cup of chamomile tea. I have a houseful of kids. I had some cashews. I'm wearing bright blue sweatpants and a black hoodie with little hearts all over it. I am sober.

I keep thinking: "Dude, this rocks."

It rocks because I know that I'll be able to get up in the morning and not want to crawl right back into bed. I can feel full of possibility tonight and tomorrow! As soon as I digest these cashews I might go do some yoga in the office while the kiddos have a Saturday night movie. Or I might keep reading the book I'm reading. Or stare off into space. Listen to these kids and be grateful that I'm sober so that we can have sleepovers.

It only takes me just a little minute to be grateful for all this. But it makes me smile for a long time.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Simple As A to B

The past month, or well, you know the past this whole year, has been big and stressful and wonderful too.

I started thinking a bit back about how my thoughts are like wires. That started from thinking about myself as a house and figuring out what needed remodeling and what was worth saving- and what needed total demolition. The first thing that popped into my head was that I need rewiring. It has been so cool to think about untangling all these thought wires that are every every where, ditching all the extra, and having enough for point A to point B- just enough to make things work.

I am a thinker. I have a thought, then I add several necessary or unnecessary thoughts to it: so one wire, then lots of other wires. Or, I have a thought, and then I butt into someone else's thought and there are all sorts of wires- and mine don't even need to be involved- well, that can get confusing but maybe you see what I mean.

I make things so complicated when I make things so complicated! So I've been boiling things down to the simple: what is point A? What is point B? Like: What do I want for egg. Done. Instead of: What do I want for breakfast...what do the kids want? what did we have yesterday? will everyone want an egg? have I had too many eggs? do I have time to make eggs? do we even have any eggs?


It helped so much when I was waiting for my spinal tap results, it is helping while we wait to see if my husband gets this job he really really wants, it is helping when it's bedtime and the boys are being boys and I just need a minute. I just stop and A to B in my head. A: I'm waiting on test results. B: Let's wait. Or A: I really hope my husband gets this job. B: He will or he won't. And A: Ack! The boys are making me nuts! B: Take a minute and take a breath. The funny thing is I thought I wasn't allowed to make it so simple. Like that was a cop out or something.

So much of my thinking is just my own attraction to my own thought clutter. It is exhausting sometimes trying to maintain the noise in my head so that part of me feels safe and comfortable, tangled in all the thought wires.

I am also realizing this: it takes practice. Every day is practice- in a good way. I've been washing my face, brushing, flossing, and writing in my journal every day for three months now. Every day. All small things that have made it so I can take on the challenge of morning pages and be successful. So that I can believe in myself. So that I can un-mix-up myself. Practice is slow. Really slow. But so worth it.