Thursday, October 31, 2013


A few years ago my husband and I went to Carowinds (an amusement park) after a long night of drinking. (Which sucked, by the way. Hangovers and big rides do not mix.) There was one roller coaster that had a cyborg-y theme. They strapped you in, laying down, your head leading the way up the giant hill. "Resistance is fu-tile. You will assimilate." announced a computerized voice. I wasn't so sure I'd assimilate, unless that was also code for be green and barf, but now I can't get that voice out of my head.

Resistance y'all. It really is fu-tile. I have been resisting myself my whole life. Fighting against who I truly am to be some version of me that is made up of years of trying to fit in and other random bits and pieces pulled from everywhere. Everywhere. All the places and people of my life trying to claim a bit of me, and me just willing to pass them out like candy.

What the hell.

So I woke up the other morning and I was having my morning think- where I just snuggle into the covers and think. I pray some, try to meditate. (Although I really cannot make the breath square but up to about 4 times without completely losing track. "3.....4.....when was that dentist appointment again? Gah, I'm fat. I need to go for a run. Why did I eat that cake last night? I think I want a purple rag rug for the living room. Oh, shit. I forgot to keep meditating!" ) But there was room for this big thought: I have been resisting my life. Struggling against it. Standing firm right smack dab in the middle of my own way.

And I might just need to MOVE.

You know how, when you know something, but you don't really know it, but then you do know it, and then you feel sort of dumb? Like, ohhhhhhh, yeah, yes! That's it! I kind of laughed a little out loud at myself in the dark at 5 in the morning. Well, DUH. MOVE.

There are things that are consistent struggles in my life: My weight. Being afraid to be me, to speak and live my truth- even if it isn't the most popular thing to do. Feeling like I am enough, that I have enough- like I'm doing it right. Being vulnerable when I am so afraid to open my heart. Fear of big success, of any success.

Keeping myself at a nice save average when I could really shine.

Immediately my brain resists: You're trying to be something you're not.

But what if that isn't true? What if I'm trying to be something I deep down am and my play-it-safe part keeps getting in my way? What if all this time I've been refusing to see what is really true about me?

I feel like I've been in a slingshot. I'm the rock. All my life has been pulling me back. Pulling and pulling. And I've been helping by doing all this resisting. By living on wishes ("I wish I were thinner. I wish I could be a writer. I wish I could be a yoga teacher." Etc.) BUT DOING NOTHING TO MAKE THEM COME TRUE.

What. The. HELL?????

I got pulled far back enough that I can see the slingshot. I can see the whole thing. And it makes a Y.

It makes a Y. A why.

So here I am, rocky little me. Stretched as far back as I can go, afraid to fly. Looking at what drives me and seeing the Y clearly for the first time. Yes, I am afraid. What if I lose weight and people notice me? What if I wrote and wrote and made something happen and people think I'm trying too hard. What if I got to be a yoga teacher and I was really good at it? What if I was good, really good, at stuff? My rocky little self is afraid of heights, afraid to fly.

But I'm already here, in the air. Sobriety slung the shot without me really realizing I'd been flung. And I've been scrambling, grasping for a handholds. But all this time I haven't needed to hold on, I've needed to let go.

Resistance is futile.


  1. I don't know why some people just go out there and try new stuff and don't seem hung up on the possibility of failure or success or whatever it is some of us are afraid of. I agree sobriety pushes us out there anyway (eventually) so might as well go for something we really want. Love this suggestion for bravery and the slingshot-Y-why connection you made.

    1. I don't know how they do it either. Thanks. :)

  2. I sometimes think you and I share a brain, Amy. I could have written this at some point too. I probably have, I my own crazy way. Anyway, we have that part of us that is afraid to shine. I was happy to blend into the drapes. Well, I *thought* I was happy to, but also knew that drapes were drapes and I was I and they were very different. I need to be me, and that is what is happening in this journey. I am uncovering and seeing that yeah, hell, I wasn't put here on this earth by the Creator to be a doormat or a plant or a decoration. I need to shine! Not dumb myself down to get to other people's level so that I may be popular. Not cut myself off at the knees to please someone who really doesn't care about me. Not fade because other people shine and I don't want to step on toes or intrude. How dumb is THAT? But we do that, and that is how we think. And it's taken me over two years to just get this, Amy. And I am still learning and re-learning this. But I see that I can't shrink like a violet in a storm and then get upset when others don't see me.

    The idea that I can [gasp!!] be good at something and have others see it is ludicrous. I wait for the other shoe to fall, or to get slapped down back to "reality". Screw that, I am what I am. I used to be a major people pleaser. These days, people at work call me "straightforward". I am kind, but don't candycoat. I am empathetic, but don't take shit. I am helpful, but don't let others run me over (as much, that I am still finding myself, but that's ok. It's part of the process. I was never straightforward in my life ever. And I like this, because it feels like it's authentic.

    I love where you went with this, Amy, and it's all an inside job in where we land.

    Wonderful post...loved it.

    You are a wonderful you, Amy. Keep unpeeling and show the world more


    1. What I like most, well, ahem, one of the things I like most about being sober is all the unpeeling: that we are new and different people every day. It's like a treasure hunt. "Oh! That's what I really think about that! Who knew???"

  3. What if you just be still and breathe? Then you just be you? But then...what is you?

    Aaaaggghhh. I so get this! And I so get that thing about when you don't know something and then you do and you go WTF? Duh!!!

    Let go...what a concept.

    And I live about 10 minutes from Carowinds so now you know me even better!


    1. Let go.....of the Halloween candy! Lol!

      Wouldn't life be boring if we didn't have these bursts of aha every so often? Or wouldn't it be like when we were drinking? All there was to think about was drink. hungover, this sucks. drink, hungover, this sucks. Talk about boring!

      I am getting better at my breathing, I added a candle to my meditation yesterday. It helped. :)

  4. Well, I for one, think you are already soaring!!! Keep going and no grasping!


  5. I agree with Christine! You are amazing...raising your two littles with thought and intention, taking care of your own needs, maintaining your own identity aside from mom and wife...keep "being" and growing. You are doing fine!

    1. Thank you Annette! Sometimes I forget to give myself the credit for all the good things.

  6. Hi Amy, Glad you are Sober...awesome for you!! Sorry I dropped out of the blogging world. I have read your wonderful post from time to time. Day One. Jenny G.

    1. Welcome back Jenny. I'm glad to see you again. :)

  7. I so adore and relate to this post, and thought I would share this quote which I'm sure you've heard but which fits and is from either Nelson Mandela or Marianne Williamson (I think the latter, but would need to look for sure...anyway):
    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
    Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech