Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Wherever You Are

I have been reading this book and it has been rocking my world- in good and bad ways which are really all good ways. Sometimes it hits way too close to home and I wish I was in the middle of another book too so I could give myself a break. But then I am so intrigued by what it makes me think I just go on back to it.

Because I haven't gone to AA I haven't done any step work. I know there are steps, and that there are twelve, and that surrendering is a big huge part of the AA message that I really really like. I believe to this day that the reason I stay sober is that I surrender to my alcoholism and by surrender I mean own it. When I stopped making excuses for myself lo and behold! I was able to quit drinking because I wasn't lying to myself anymore. I need this about sweets too, and people pleasing, and also being a tiny bit bad at asking for help. But, as they say, one step at a time.

The part I am really really loving is the higher power part. Which really surprises me since I have never ever been religious, but then it really isn't all about "religion" but more like faith and prayer without an official title or a building or even a name. I puzzle over it all the time. "Hello!" I say. "Hello          !" I say. "What the hell do I call this person/thing I pray to?" I think to myself. Today I described her as a serene mother nature-y person with long gray hair with flowers leaves and twigs woven into it wearing a dress made from moss, some tights and some clogs when it's cold. She smiles benevolently at me with all the patience in the world.

So instead of being afraid of the higher power part I am totally embracing it. Some because of that description above and then mostly because in A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps Stephanie Covington says our higher power accepts us just as we are. That our higher power expects us to be kind of broken and fucked up, BUT it isn't there to fix us but to support us. That it is a shared energy. That it is an eternal safe place inside and outside of all of us. That my higher power and I are a team.


And so then, if I surrender to being part of this lovely team who tells me the truth and tucks my hair behind my ear softly and will love me as big as I will let it, then I can be more self full. More solid. More not me against the world. That makes me feel so safe. It makes it easier to not drink. It makes it easier not to eat seven cookies, or say yes when I mean no. It means that I can think "help" and not "read my mind".

There's a song by the Dixie Chicks called "Godspeed"that I love. My dad made a video of clips of my oldest when he was around two and put this song as the music. I cry every every time, but especially at the part where she sings "God hears amen wherever we are and I love you". My heart breaks open a little bit and I just know. I know that my higher power hears me wherever I am. That I can have my own version, that I have faith. Not in a name, or a religion, but in me. That I hear my amens wherever I am.


  1. Amy you write so beautifully and are so articulate in describing thoughts and emotions. Thank you for sharing your experiences- they have been an amazing support. I too have not been religious but I've always tried to BE spiritual. Now, almost 7 months sober I'm not trying to BE anymore, I just AM. I'm more tuned in to that whisper in the wind that tells me I'm not alone, I'm doing good and all will be well. I'm basing proper big life changing decisions on this soft voice now and it's leading me to good places. Is it the universe, God, Mother Nature or is it me plus all those things? All I know is its a voice of love and I'm finally part of that flow I've always craved. Peace to you, Lara xx

  2. Oh yeah girl! I've tried on lots of "religions" and none have fit. But I am deeply spiritual and filled with a faith that would move mountains. I don't need a building or even a book. I just need love. For myself and for everyone else and everything else on this planet. I have to work at it (sometimes a lot) but that's the journey right?

    Have you read "The Shack"? It's a beautiful book about spirituality and our perception of what that is. I won't spoil it for you but at one point I said to my husband, "I told you Oprah was God!"

    Beautiful post Amy.

    Love and hugs,

  3. This is beautiful; I loved it, and it will help me as I continue on my life journey. I'm printing it out too. Thank you!

  4. I love this. Religion is dead. Relationship is alive. And YES...finding a HP that accepted me as I was, right where I was at, changed my life, changed me, filled me with love and compassion for others and myself. I don't have to do it all perfectly or know all the answers. The most beautiful thing is that we can come as we are.

  5. Another book to add to the wish list! Thanks Amy :) xx

  6. I say just get back on your feet and do it. Go through routines that will intensify your sobriety and disavowal of alcohol. Part of that will be having a greater grasp of a larger sense of purpose and importance to propel you further into your commitment. Just stay true and all of those strategies and end goals will fall into place properly. All the best!

    Donnie Benson @ Midwest Institute for Addiction

  7. Thanks Amy for your post. Godspeed is one of my favorites too. My son left for college this fall and I have listened to it often these last few months. I hope you are doing ok. This sober journey is simply that... A journey. I relate so much to yours. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your heart. ~Denise