Thursday, April 23, 2015

Surrender, Again

I've had my spinal tap/lumbar puncture- which was, as things like that go, quite fine. The worst part, besides getting a needle stuck deep into my spine, was laying down face first on this bench-ish thing with my pants halfway down my fanny. Duke is a teaching hospital so there was a guy student in the room and that made me feel sort of weird, and kind of old? Like, um, hey? I don't want this kid who isn't really even a doctor or a nurse yet looking at my sweet vulnerable little butt. It gave my eager brain something to work on while the doctor numbed my back and got things going.

There aren't supposed to be any results until maybe the end of this week, probably next week. BUT! Last night I got an email from my neurologist that said everything is normal so far. Therefore I am feeling cautiously super optimistic and then also grumpy frustrated: if not MS then what is going on?

What is going on? I can't rightly say, nor can modern medicine it seems. Which is fine, really- it is. I've been doing a lot of yoga reading and practicing lately. Yesterday on that thin table with the half moon X-ray machine and half my fanny hanging out I remembered that I needed to breathe. So I did, and I almost disappeared. There are all these moments that are really just this one moment: this one changeable flowing uncertain moment that makes up a lifetime.

There is too much going on in my life right now- some good, some hard- but what else can I do but keep going? Last night after I got the "normal so far" email from my neurologist I let the dogs in and our big guy is limping badly again out of the blue. I got so mad at the universe! "WTF?" I ranted in my head. "You fucking see me waiting to see if I have MS don't you? And that Jonathan is looking for a job? And that we might move in a year? What if I have to put the dog to sleep now? Too much!"

And then I started in on all the things I'm worried about. I started winding myself into a big fat tizzy, until I stopped.

Yo. I stopped.

I remembered that I can handle all these hard things, and all the good things too, because I can surrender. I can stop wishing the truth wasn't true and go with what's actually real. I can wait patiently for a minute while my mind/ego starts a tantrum and then in the pause let it breathe, let it know that it will all be OK. I stopped fighting it. I gave in. Yes, I told myself. Yes. It is too much. It's a lot. It's OK. And then I didn't have to handle it just right. I stopped predicting the future and stayed here.

Surrender is such a gift: it's not giving up, or giving in. It's accepting things as they truly are and going from there. Or from here: this moment where I might have MS, or I might not. Where the dog is hurting, where the job situation is exciting and uncertain, where we might move in a year (I know, a year! I can be a little neurotic). The thing about surrender is this: when you admit you don't know what to do that's when you get shown the way. Surrender is a graceful way of saying "Help". It's a way to say "I don't know"- I don't know how, I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to do. When you stop thinking you have all the answers- that's surrender.

When I quit drinking I had to surrender big time. I had to surrender everything I thought I knew about myself and be willing to learn what was real. Now I'm learning that surrender happens in big and little ways every day- that surrender is one of the strongest most power full words I know.


  1. Lovely. This is some big stuff you have going on. You are still such an inspiration - I know that sounds trite but it's so strengthening for me to hear about people dealing with shit sober and bravely with raw grit. We are the amazing ones!!! Sending hugs from New Zealand xxx

    1. Thanks for the hugs- I send some straight on back over from North Carolina! And it's not trite, it's awesome that we can inspire each other from across the whole world. xxxooo

  2. I remembered you had your spinal tap sometime this month and have been checking your blog regularly. I am glad its over, and that the "preliminary report" is promising. I will keep you in my thoughts, and thank you for the inspiring post. You are a brave, strong, wise woman:). KT

  3. 'when you stop thinking you have all the answers - that's surrender.'

    so true and perfect. waking up every morning and doing that again - that's the nub of it.

    I think many times life asks us questions to which we aren't even supposed to have answers. just by living we become the answers.

    sending you hugs in your answer-living xxx

    1. waking up and doing it again every morning is the tough and the gift of it- it's never the same twice. I love LOVE what you said: "just by living we become the answers". xxxooo