Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Thanks Receiving


From Nov. 29 2015

After almost three years sober I have a lot of gratitude practice. In my head and in reality I get on my knees every day or I look up at the big sky and give heartfelt thanks. And I mean it: my sobriety has given my life breath, and I know enough to know that it's polite to say thank you for the greatest gift I've even been given.

It's cold here now, the woods are staring to get bare. The leaves have fallen and gone from vibrant to brown in a matter of weeks. Me too- I feel myself shriveling a little, shrinking in, but gaining a little weight. I'm trying not to worry about that. I looked in the mirror this morning, my face a little swollen, my belly a little more belly-y and thought about what a great diversionary tactic that is: worry about this outside shit so I don't have to go inside where things can get real real quick.

One of my favorite things to talk about is feeding the right part of you: if all your attention goes in to the part that is always saying how ugly and awful and worthless you are then that fucker gets fat quick. But why isn't my kind part ever hungry? Probably because it just sits there on the couch watching TV every day, waiting to get out, waiting to get to work, expending no energy at all while I'm out tirelessly running around with that other part that secretly hates me but won't leave me alone.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't always getting the runaround from my own self. In junior high school I had a pair of embroidered Gasoline jeans that were a bit too long but looked pretty great until I remembered that my butt was too big. I colored my hair red with temporary hair color mousse and shopped at all the places I was supposed to but it rarely quieted that voice. I used to dream I had the perfect outfit to wear to school and I would wake up so relieved only to remember it was just a dream and I was stuck in this reality where all my clothes were wrong, I never looked right, and no one really liked me anyway.

You would think after all these years I would have wised up and stopped paying attention to what that dang voice is saying, but there I was just this morning ears perked right up. And so I started the litany of self improvement plans.

"Yep, tomorrow is Monday. Perfect time to get back to my old routine. I'll just do what I want today, then tomorrow I'll start eating right again. I'll run every day, do yoga every day. I will feel comfortable in my own skin because I won't be swollen, or pudgy. And then I can feel OK about myself. I'll stop drinking coffee. I won't have dairy. Or bread. Or sugar. Then I'll be controlling all these things and I'll be good enough."

God. I feel so sorry for that part of me that just cannot give all that up. It's that same part of me that thought giving up drinking was going to solve all of my problems: if I'm sober then I'll be OK.

Another of my favorite things to talk about is facing your problems. Here they are, relentlessly chasing you and you just keep running and running. It seems like I've kind of been looking back and throwing band aids at them instead of stopping and seeing what's really going on. 

16 comments:

  1. Hi there, great post and really hits home with me. I too only listen to the hateful stuff and let the kinstuff languish unnoticed and forgotten. I always read your posts but have only started commenting recently as I realise they me you are heard AND appreciated. Feed that to the kind part, it may develop a hunger if you keep feeding it little tidbits.

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    1. I think I'm done feeding it small bits and I'm going to go ahead and give it real fuel. I'm so glad you're commenting and reading- it's always nice to know what people think. xoxo

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  2. You are beautiful, we know that, you know that. It shines through in every word you write and in that shining smile and eyes in your profile picture. What if you were physically perfect, someone that everyone looked at in envy as you walked down the street, but your inside was a shriveled up and thorny garden? Would you spend as much time worrying about saving that patch of garden that is your soul, or would you be satisfied that your ass looked great in whichever pair of jeans you decided to wear? I'm not saying that all perfect looking people are ugly on the inside, but I have to wonder with all the time they spend on their outside appearance if they have the time to give their soul what it needs to thrive.

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    1. Interesting point….love this!

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    2. It's easy enough to say "Oh, I know I'm awesome" the harder part is actually believing it. I'm not worried about my outsides as much as I used to be, but there is a level of content that I find only from feeling comfortable in my own skin. And when I can see the evidence of my own addiction (just because I quit drinking it doesn't mean I'm not an addict, right?) in my pants getting tighter or my habits getting sloppy I feel frustrated and I want to stop myself before things get out of control. It isn't the appearance as much as the action that makes me feel out of sorts. I do care about my appearance- and some days looking ok to me in my jeans means I can be more brave in the world. Thanks for making me think. :) xoxo

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  3. Hi Amy - I love your writing and have been reading your blog for months, whilst I've been building up to taking the leap into sobriety myself. I've even gone right back to the start and read right from the beginning. I always get a lift when I see that you've posted something new. Your story "before" chimes big chords with me. I'm 8 days in, and I've started my own blog - I'm finding it incredibly helpful to write these thoughts out. (redrecovers.wordpress.com). Anyway, thankyou, you've been, and continue to be, an inspiration.

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    1. Hi Red! Thanks for reading and commenting- it makes my day when people take the time to comment :) I'll check out your blog. Keep writing! It does amazing things. xoxo

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    2. Thanks Amy - I'm finding blogging is keeping me accountable, despite a blip on NYE. I'll look forward to enjoying more of your posts in 2016, Happy New Year! Red xx

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  4. Ah, so relatable. Yesterday I thought I'd do another sugar quit in January. That kind of perked me up, that promise of 30 days of self torture and angst. I read your line about eating better and exercising and thought yeah, got to do that shit too, and then the next paragraph was like whoa and then Oh. (Although I do think being sober makes everything okay, just sayin'.) Also pretty sure I had one of those junior high outfit dreams, only I called mine middle school and it happened every day when I was awake until I was able to buy my own outfits and then transferred elsewhere. Bless you Amy for putting this stuff to words and making it okay.

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    1. Gah, what is it with the self torture bit? Haven't we had enough? I love to withhold things from myself: tiny punishments? Or is it finessing how we like things to be? I was thinking about how I'm not always the same person- how I like pop music sometimes and then classical or then silence. Why can't it be true for all things? Food, clothes, books- do I have to pick something and then always be that way? I want to do that, but I'm learning that I don't have to be. Maybe I love running today, but then it falls by the wayside, and then I get it back- does that mean I'm not a real runner because I don't run consistently? If I don't listen to Ben Folds all the time does that mean I can't like it anymore? Nah.

      I can't tell you how great it was to read you'd had that dream too. :)

      Being sober does make it all OK, but then we have to keep moving with that too. I can't just use that as my one leg to stand on for the rest of my life, it can be the reason I can live but not my whole life.

      I adore you. :) xxxooo

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  5. Amy, thank you for this post! Thank you for sharing. I can totally relate to this. IT is so hard to change inner dialogue. Sometimes I wonder, is it really possible to change it? I have been sober for about 21 months and lately I've been using food to fill the void. It feels a lot like the way I used to drink. Feel bad about myself, numb out. repeat. repeat. Now, when I start to feel bad, I reach for sugar. Repeat. repeat. I was listening to a podcast yesterday and it said that growth cannot happen if self medicating is going on. So, I feel stuck. Before, I completely cut out sugar in my sobriety and it lead to a relapse. I'm so extremely grateful to be sober but I feel powerless over sugar and I feel like the compulsive behavior is triggered by the voice in my head telling me, "you're fat", "you're ugly," "nobody likes you". I am 33 years old and cannot get this voice to change. My therapist said I just have to stop the voice every single time it starts up. Is that possible?! Perhaps. Anyway, the awareness is a good thing. And you have great awareness! Awareness, Acceptance then Action.

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    1. Use food too- big time. I think recognizing it is half the battle. Sometimes it doesn't make an instant difference, but take things like that in chunks rather than days. One thing I say to my critical inner voice is "Bullshit." So when it pipes up and says "No one likes you" or "You are fat" I just say "Bullshit." And then I try to think about what's really true. "I am loved" and "I am beautiful as I am". Something that really resonates with me is the idea that if I'm not happy in this one body I have today, right now, twenty pounds isn't going to permanently change that. So I'd better love it with all my heart right now. And the habit of drowning out that inner critic will take time- it took such a long time to give it such confidence that it can just talk mean shit all the time. Put an arm around it, realize that's just fear talking, take a deep breath, and feel how wonderful you really are. And when that voice says that's not true listen to me: You are wholly beautiful. That's really true. xoxo

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