Instead of a people pleaser I call myself a peacemaker. I think this is a people pleaser, but maybe the deluxe version. Not only do I want everyone to be happy, but I do it at the expense of my own well being. With some added meddling and fixing where I really don't belong.
My mother and I have a complicated relationship. I adore her, but she can be difficult to deal with. Which I'm sure she would say about me immediately in rebuttal. I defend her a lot in my head to myself and to other people. Try to protect her. Try to make people see the person I see.
She is loud. Opinionated. My way or the highway. Quick to tell me she's proud of me, but quick to say something hurtful too. We have a seesaw dynamic that never feels steady, or safe. I don't like asking her for help- it always seems to come with baggage. Her moods are unpredictable.
I want her to be my soft place to fall. So much. I want to trust that when I call she won't be on a rant, or in a bad mood. I have A LOT of issues coming up with this that make me nervous and feel more alone in the world. Which I am feeling. Which are a big part of what I was hiding from in wine bottles. Which is hard for me to admit because of loyalty to her, love for her. She is my mama after all.
I put myself in the middle of a situation with her that I don't want to be in. I realized that I put myself in the middle of a lot of situations I don't want to be in, some I don't even belong in. Oh.
By not drinking the bad away I suddenly got my get out of jail free card. Hello, my name is NOT the middle. I don't have to help her with this ongoing sticky situation. It's none of my business. The universe just told me politely to 'butt out". And I wasn't drunk, so I heard it. Loud and clear.
