I discovered a pen pal from reading online blogs about women who are sober. I was writing to her this morning and had a CGM- what I've dubbed a "Clear Genius Moment" These are the truths you discover when you've realized that you just drink differently than everyone else and that this time you really, really have to follow through and quit. Really quit. Forever (gasp!) quit.
It amazes me how fucked up my logic got when I was making excuses to pardon my out of control drinking. One of the best ones was, "I deserve it." Then it meant: I deserve to relax. I am owed a chance to let my hair down, to be free of the responsibilities of being a parent/wife/in charge of something. This feels good, and I love it!
Now it means: I deserved to treat myself like shit. I deserved to drink until I was physically sick and exhausted all the next day (and as I got older into the next). I deserved to check out of my life because it was too damn hard.
But mostly it meant I was getting what I thought I deserved.
That really makes me take a step back and say WHOA! I mean, I thought I liked myself a lot more than that. By giving myself the freedom to drink wine from dinner until midnight a few days a week-wasn't that love? Isn't that what I deserved? Even though it was a struggle to get out of bed (and if I didn't have to work I didn't-just park the kids in front of the TV for a few hours) and I would feel mostly awful all day I told myself that wine was a reward. It was just what I needed.
How on Earth could I have thought that was OK?
I'm going into day five of my sobriety. And I'm scared. And optimistic. I'm scared of going back to who I used to be. After all she is only five short days ago. But today I know that even as short as it is now, my sobriety is precious. And I deserve it.