There are these deals you make with yourself when you want to quit drinking. There are the promises, the white knuckling through just one more minute. Then the fast trip to the store for wine etc. all the while telling yourself, "Turn the car around. Go home. Go home. Go home. If you don't buy it you can't drink it." But all you can hear is the need. The need to check out, to turn off, to get out of here while you are sitting right here.
My deals would always go something like this: On a hangover day I would decide that I was not going to drink anymore, or if I did I would limit myself to two or three at the most. That would soothe for a few sober days and then it would just feel like time to have some wine. At the store I would buy two bottles and a six or twelve pack of beer. I would have to share with my husband after all, and we wouldn't want to be irresponsible and have to drive to get more if we ran out. (ah, booze logic) I would tell myself it was OK, lots of people drink, lots of people drink too much, and lots of people drink waaaayyyyy more than me. And I wasn't drinking before 5 o'clock or so, and I didn't drink every day. It was fine.
So I would break my deal with myself. I would have not just two or three but seven or eight by the end of the night. And in the morning, hungover and tired and broken again I would make more deals. But it didn't matter what I promised, I was always back at the store.
I've been waking up desperately early excited to start my day. I've been writing this blog and doing yoga every morning. Maybe that's all it takes, maybe it's as simple as finding something else to do that fills you up instead of filling up your cup. It's having a purpose, lifting yourself up to something with tangible soul-full meaning. Being able to face each day proud of the day before instead of cringing when you wake up trying to remember if you made an ass out of yourself last night.
I can't say for sure why this time is different. I know I just got to a point and something clicked inside my soul and I can't undo that now. I know I'm through making deals, I'm ready to walk the walk, talk the talk, do anything it takes to keep this new fragile peace with myself.
YES! So YES to all this, and all the posts before. I am coming back to the beginning--reading blogs like this helps, because I can relate *exactly* to things you say, especially that NEED to drink, even though your head is screaming, go home go home go home--mainly cuz at 20 weeks, I'm hearing that voice: You can drink now, you're healed. I want to remember the urgency! Thank you...look forward to (finally) reading all your posts!
ReplyDeleteI'm so pleased I found your blog today. I've been reading a lot of getting-sober blogs recently but you I relate to most. I am the same as you were - drinking to the point of blacking out, not able to stop once I start. But as I don't drink every day I've always convinced myself that I don't have a problem. Well done staying sober.
ReplyDelete"Maybe that's all it takes, maybe it's as simple as finding something else to do that fills you up instead of filling up your cup."
ReplyDeleteGood point! I think a lot of people drink because they are lonely, bored or in a rut. I used to drink frequently when I was in a rut and didn't take the time to find another stimulating activity besides drinking. This has changed now.
Cheers!
Why do we make these stupid pathetic deals with ourself. Things like "as soon as I get back from my vacation, I will stop drinking" or "The holiday is coming up, I will wait til' after then." There are going to be holidays in the future and vacations. Somewhere along the line you have to make the break, period!
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