I am so grateful to have two weeks (!!!!) sober today. :)
I have tried to quit drinking so many times before- for twenty years I have tried.
I feel like I have lived more in this two weeks than I have in that whole twenty years.
Here are a few grand things about being sober. If you aren't sober you might read this and say to yourself, "Self? This won't be true for me." Don't believe that for one second. I didn't think only two weeks would make a difference, but they have. It's so big I might have to take you outside and show you the sky just so you could see. And if you are sober this might remind you fondly of those early days, those days when you were tender and determined, and scared too.
1-) I get up before dawn- on purpose. I have almost two hours before I have to get ready for work to have time to myself to do what I love- write. :) And there's hot tea, and free yoga at 6 o'clock. The most amazing thing is that I get up without an alarm. I just wake up and know it's time to get up. An even more amazing thing is how fucking happy I feel when I get up. I still have that inventory that runs thru my mind- the old drinking days check in: did I embarrass myself? did I fight with my husband? was I bad with the kids? but that lasts about two seconds and then I remember that I don't drink anymore and I don't have to worry about shit like that. Sooooo, grand thing #1: No guilt check in the morning.
2-) I have lost about four pounds. My body is already different. My face is breaking out some, but I can see my cheeks and my knuckles. My eyes y'all. I look into them and they are clear. They look right back at me, they don't skitter away to hide. #2: I can look myself in the eye.
3-) I am running regularly again. And pushing myself. And having these terrific hands-in-the-air moments where I feel so triumphant I just have to run with my arms all the way up like I just won the NYC marathon. It's hard to run and cry though. Watch out for that. #3: Feeling triumphant.
4-) I'm comfortable in my head. Even when I'm feeling like I should probably have a big gulp full of chardonnay I still feel OK. #4: Being able to be with myself, even when my self is being bratty.
5-) Last, and most important. I might cry on this one. I am being a mom again. I'm paying attention. I'm being more patient. I'm listening. I'm taking time to just be.with.my.loves. We are laughing more. My youngest isn't biting his nails as much. I still need to set better boundaries- guilt makes me give in when I shouldn't. (The whole "make everyone ok no hurt feelings" thing) But. #5: I am being a mom again.