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| Early sobriety |
Last night I listened to my first Bubble Hour podcast. I liked it. It made me think different thinks. It made me think about being lost with no map in sight. It made me wish for flashlights and compasses for everyone. It made me want the way to sobriety to be as easy as one two three Google Maps. It made me want to be a guide, with senior helpers. It made me think about Hansel, and Gretel.
My path to sobriety was littered with breadcrumbs every day. Not a day went by that my inner mama/guide didn't drop crumbs on my way. Hints, suggestions- sometimes loaves of them. Most days I would just keep trudging along, ignoring the crumbs and searching the forest for other things instead. (Look! A forest! But I can't find the trees...) I couldn't be bothered with simple breadcrumbs- I had bigger messages to get, and they were all at the bottom of my wineglass.
And every day those little bits were there. Every day I knew what I needed to do. I needed to follow those crumbs, which were parts of my heart. Every day that I drank I tore off another piece of my heart and left it lying there on the path for me to see the next day. Every day I tried to save myself. Every day I looked away.
I don't know what made me look the day I did. I tripped over a heart loaf and fell. Hard. And while I was down there, lying on the path, I saw all these bits of me waiting to be put back together. I got hungry. I was tired of the sea of trees. I could not go a step further until I looked down at the path to see where the heck I was going.
So I looked. I started picking up those crumbs and going the way my heart and soul wanted to go.
It's never enough for someone to say "Sobriety is so much better" and "You'll be so much happier" or even "Follow the breadcrumbs". You have to do it yourself. You have to trust the signs you leave out for yourself in the night, in the dark, in the hope of your heart. The way to get your inner compass to stop spinning is to take the clues you're given. You follow and trust and hold virtual hands with other people who are trying to stop spinning too. People who come back for you even though it's raining and dark and you wandered away again. You believe you can do it until you are look ma no hands! doing it. You are Hansel and Gretel. And you are doing it.
I love your posts and where you are in your sobriety right now. It reminds me so much of my early sobriety. I turned inward...I had to know why. So I pulled back the curtains of my own heart and started investigating what was there.
ReplyDeleteI love what you said about the breads crumbs being pieces of your heart. We are so destructive to ourselves in our addiction. For you to be able to see that is such a blessing.
Plus...you write real good. ;-)
Sherry
I loved that breadcrumb heart part too.
DeleteThank you. :)
Lots of love and hope in this message. Wonderful images of the breadcrumbs and just following the path where we know where we need to go as opposed to where we *want* to go. Where I wanted to go brought me lots of trouble. Where I need to go has brought me peace and serenity.
ReplyDeleteLike Sherry said, it's a wonderful place to be once you get past that initial thing of just getting away from the drink. It's beyond that now - we get into where we look towards ourselves and see what we've misplaced, what needs to be done, where else to seek. That's the *real* journey, to me at least. It's not about not drinking at the moment, but about dealing with the things that brought me to the drink.
And you're right - this is something that we only do for ourselves. All the sherpas and guides in the world can only point to the path - it's to us to walk it. :)
Thanks for a wonderful post :)
Getting out of the habit is just the first part. I think I might be on the first and a half part now. :)
DeleteThank you. Cheers!
Amy, thank you for that wonderful post today. Just what I needed.
ReplyDeleteYesterday was hard. A tough day, that was busy and filled with irritation and frustration. Yet, I did not drink. A Friday night filled with irritated thoughts.... and I didn't suck down massive amounts of wine!! Yeh for me! It is because of these virtual hands holding me up, guiding me out of the thick forest and helping me stay on my sober car. I did it! And, I can do it again. I want to stay sober more than I want to drink.
I too, am not certain why this time is different or how I got to this place of knowing what I need to do and actually doing it. I was often sucked back in by what I wanted to do - drink - not where I need to go. That always felt so destructive and depressing - just like you describe, Amy. Over and over the same....
Today is a beautiful Saturday and I am enjoying the day, doing family things, not pretending to feel good - but I honestly feel great. Each day is better than the previous. Anything is better than those first few days!
Paul's post made me cry. I am just so grateful to be sober today and not hungover. I am doing this and picking up the pieces of my heart, as Amy described.
Thank you to all of my new sober friends, who also write so beautfully!
Whoooo Day 10.
Jenny
Beep beep!
DeleteSomething I'm learning is that sobriety is beautiful. And very fucking irritating. :)
Thank you.
Oh I love your writing so much I could marry your posts. Or you. If you weren't already married and I weren't heterosexual. But anyway. Lovelovelove.
ReplyDeleteI've been loving the Bubble Hour too and the BFB Facebook group is really great. Come join us over there! You'd be a wonderful addition to a great group of smart sober ladies (and, much like here, the odd wise man of two).
I also agree that just getting off the booze can seem like the hard work but I know Paul is right when he says the real journey starts after that as I've had glimpses of it.
Jenny I relate to so much of what you say too - congratulations on Day 10! It feels good to get into those double digits doesn't it?
Lilly xo
Thank you, Lilly!
DeleteWhat is the Bubble Hour? Very interested....
Double digits feels great. I sipped on Feb 4 after 9 days sober...Ugh it was disappointing.
But, I got back to it and hear I am - day 10 - double digits. And, no desire to drink today. The thought sure - the craving nope.
Going to a play tonight and I will enjoy it without thinking about drinking later. :)
Jenny
Tell me more about the BFB group.
DeleteI now pronounce you Lilly, Amy, and blogs.
And Jenny too.
Sober Women ROCK!
There's a bfg fb group? I'm a member of the Yahoo group, but the format is so horrendous I don't bother checking in.
DeleteReally great entry Amy! Love the breadcrumbs idea image too.
So beautiful. Thank you. I Love the line you wrote, "You believe you can do it until you are look ma no hands! doing it." - keep believing!
ReplyDeleteThank you. Keep believing is right!
Delete