This is kind of the way blogging and living has felt for me this week. My brain is in stuck mode again. I know what it is. I don't know how to remedy it, but I know what it is.
I'm too busy. I don't have time to think, or sit, or be. Or if I do I spend it worrying that I don't have anything to write, or it isn't mindful enough, or that I want to watch junk TV instead of read the book I got from the library about living a better life or whatever. I found myself gulping my seltzer ginger drink last night while I was making dinner. A sure sign I need some love and care. And a little more sleep.
There has been a lot of other people's lives big stuff going on. A friend I worked with years ago lost her partner to cancer two weeks ago. Randomly this friend and I went to the one and only AA meeting I've ever been to together. I wonder if she's drinking still, if she is drinking more. Then a woman I work closely with lost her partner to cancer just a few days ago. Both were diagnosed at the end of last summer, and now. Gone.
I have two friends who are early pregnant. Hopeful and worried something may happen.
It's hard not to take on other people's shit. I can be such a fixer sometimes that I even try to figure out what the dog is thinking and then try to make it better. This is kind to no one. I know, I know. It doesn't even really make sense. I'm white knuckling it again, trying to control it all. Not playing God exactly, but maybe a low ranking assistant.
All those years I spent being numb. Drinking. Not thinking. Now I feel like a hamster in a wheel. Churning out thoughts on the assembly line. Analyzing. Not analyzing. Amazing! Nonsense! I can. I can't! All these deep thoughts are hard on a woman.
Maybe it's that I don't feel very safe. Secure. Consistent.
One reason why I love to write this blog is the way things get clear while I'm sitting here.
Open ended futures scare me. I'm in trouble then hmmm? But I don't mean I need to know the end, I mean more like I want a place to live where we'll stay for years. I want a job I can cultivate and grow into something that allows me to make a living and feel proud. And I want the patience to allow these things to happen as they happen.
Back underwater. But not to hide. To listen to the silence for a while.