Wednesday, March 6, 2013

For Those About To Rock: This One's For the Lurkers







This is the party I had for myself last night for my NINETY DAYS today. Well, really I had a clumsy tea party with my four year old and played crazy eights for an extra twenty minutes. But this is kind of what it looks like in my head. And you don't even want to see what's happening in my heart!

And then I read that. I was around at bath-time? I played cards with the children at the END of the day? Holy shit, I must be sober. It's when I think about the living I'm doing that I realize how fucking important these days have been to me. And then I feel excited and actually smile out loud because I get to keep going.

Now, look. It's not all crazy eights and tea parties around here. The night before I put the four year old to bed mad and crying. Sometimes it's goodnight and good riddance. But I knew it. And I wasn't outside on the porch swilling wine and chain smoking twenty minutes later, I was in kissing his tear stained face and pulling the covers up tight while he snored. (Oh! Tired. No wonder he was being such an ass. I was too. Tired, and an ass.)

There's nothing more annoying when you want to do something that someone else is already doing than reading about their successes. Then you think: "That won't happen for me." Or: "But my life is different." Or just: "But. But. But. But." There's also nothing better that reading about other people doing it because it means if they can do it you can too. I mean, I hate all that "You can do it!" shit as much as the next guy. "If I can you can, rah rah rah!" Shut. The. Fuck. Up. But.

But (ahem) you can. And you will find nothing else as satisfying as getting some power over your life. You will pile up hours then days like stones and blocks until you start a wall. You'll look over the wall and see booze over there lonely and sad and you will turn your back. You will turn your back and tend to what needs tending because that's what sober people do. You will stop drowning. You will breathe. My god, how you will breathe.

You will no longer feel like a liar and a cheat. You will wake up in the morning and know exactly what you said last night. You will feel the best and worst you have ever felt and you will not climb back over that wall no matter what. You will become beautiful not because you lose weight but because you can see yourself and you feel proud. You will peer over the wall and see shame over there too and you won't give it another thought. You will not go back.

You will realize that there is no way to build a gate in the wall. You cannot drink again. Ever. You will hate that. WHY ME? How am I going to celebrate blah blah's whatever if I can't drink? Then you go. And you have seltzer and feel uncomfortable and people think you are charming not sloppy.

Getting sober, on paper, is pretty dang easy. It's free. You don't have to travel to a certain place to find it. It doesn't require a degree. You can be any age. Any sex, race, or religion. You can do it any time you want. I'm pretty sure there aren't laws against it.

I cannot do it for you. I am already doing it for myself. And this shit is hard, so only one per customer. But I will tell you this: if I did it for you, it would not be as gorgeous. It would not be yours. And that's what it is, really. Yours. Yours for the taking.




20 comments:

  1. I am a lurker and love your blog! I don't have a four year old to put to bed, but I do have a teenager who doesn't mind pushing the limits (many times at night time)...I can relate to what you write, so keep writing! My sobriety date is near yours - I hit 90 days on March 1. Congratulations to you and your entire family!
    TMary 12/2/12

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    1. Hurrah for another crazy person- I mean who gets sober RIGHT before Christmas? ;)

      High five on your 90 days! It's such an accomplishment.

      Thank you. :)

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  2. Belle took my pun!!!!

    No worries - you really do rock.

    Sherry

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    1. That Belle...

      We are all a bunch of rocks! :)

      Thank you. :)

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  3. Congrats on 90! Whoot whoot! Love the way your life is changing and you are noticing it too! It is truly amazing!

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    1. Thank you! It is pretty amazing. :)

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  4. Yes you do rock! And I am having a huge party in my head for you today filled with prancing glittery unicorns!

    I'm pretty sure it was Belle who said to me "Then 90 days, that's when the magic really starts to happen" so... just think... even MORE awesomeness up ahead.

    I am so happy for you. You have worked hard to get here and you should revel in all the glory. And eat cake. Lots of *90 days yay you rock* cake.

    Lilly xo

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    1. Thank you! There are plenty of unicorns to go around. :)

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  5. God bless you. been reading you as often as you post for months now. i am on month 6. your blog helps keep me sane. (I have a lotta tools to use; yours is one of the most helpful). i have recommended you to many of my BFB'ers - they all love you. :)

    thank you.

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    1. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. :)

      God Bless you right back. :)

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  6. Sober Women Rock!!

    My life is feeling wonderful. I, too, feel more present for my children and powerful over my life. I love the mornings and knowing exactly what I said and did the night before! Wow.

    I am here at 30 days.

    I will not give in or give up this time. I will make it to 90 and then one year. Thank you for the hope and inspiration! You ROCK, Amy.
    Jenny

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    1. JENNY!!!! 30 days is the biggest. Big big big! That 30 fucking days is the hardest. AND YOU DID IT! Hurrah for you sister. I am so glad for you.

      You ROCK too! :)

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  7. Ahem, you're absolutely right, You do rock! You're right about everything else in this post too, spot on.
    Congratulations on the 9o! You think it's great now? Just wait, you're not going to fucking believe it.

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  8. That is absolutely marvelous! 90 days was a great landmark for me - it was about that time that the squirrely head of mine was finally starting to calm down, my body had finally started to heal properly and most importantly, my emotions were no longer on a day and night long roller coaster.

    Remember, you don't have to be a "rah rah rah" champ. I am not a huge cheerleader, but we can certainly show the way through our actions and how we treat others...and that is what you are doing. Sharing your experiences through this wonderful blog and through your daily actions and interactions with others shows the way. Writing someone when they're down, helping a neighbour with the groceries, how you play with your boys, how you comport yourself as a sober, happy, serene woman is how you show the way. People don't follow you here because you just cheerlead all day. They see that you are doing things, you are experiencing things that perhaps you haven't in a while or ever, and they see that they can have that too. And *that* is what rocks. THAT is how we share ourselves with each other! And it's been a lot of fun reading and watching in the short time I have been around your corner of the world here.

    Congratulations...and like you have said...it gets better.

    Cheers :)

    Paul

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    1. I don't particularly feel like *I* have to be a cheerleader, I was saying more along the lines of when you're still drinking and imagining being sober sometimes people saying, "go for it you can do it!" isn't what you want to hear.

      That being said- I love being a cheerleader! I will hoot and holler loud and clear for all accomplishments. Sometimes that one hour you don't drink is the hour that changes your whole life.

      Cheers. :)

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