Opt Out

This morning I opened my email and slogged through all the unnecessary stuff I delete every day without reading it. All of the sudden I realized- Heyyyyyyyy......I can unsubscribe. I can clean up my in box and not spend time every day wondering about these random emails that I never open, or intend to open later, or just delete instantly.

My inbox is like my life. Our impending move has given me invitation to reflect about my time here in this house. The first few years in this town. It's made me think about how much I have changed in almost two and a half years. The bulk of it in this past year alone.

Wow! I have done some big ass self-house cleaning. I did spring ones and fall ones and daily ones and unplanned ones. I have slowly but surely been getting my inner space in order. It gives me such a feeling of contentment to look back and realize this progress. I encourage you, no matter where you are, to think back on the days you've spent minding your self.

I've been thinking about what makes it work- what makes things actually cleaned up and not just shoved under the rug.

Being honest with myself has been the hugest biggest hugest thing that has really gotten things going. At the very beginning of my sobriety: "Am I really an alcoholic?" "YES!!!!" And then "Am I really this sad?" "YES!!!" followed by "Am I really afraid of that? And this?" "YES!!!" The inside honest made it easier to take: "Is there hope for me?" "YES!!!" and "Am I doing this right?" "DOUBLE YES!!!"

All that yes didn't come without no. "Can I continue to use cookies to get me through the rough stuff?" "NO."  "Can I please take the easy way out today?" "NO." "Is it ok for me to take my shit out on other people?" "NO WAY." "Can I drink again?" "TRIPLE NO WAY EVER!"

I'm towards the end of a Whole30. It's reminded me of the tied for number one thing that has helped me get things really deep clean: boundaries. Rules. Things I say yes or no to no matter what. Guidelines I follow every day that don't change on whims and winds. When my inner spoiled brat pipes up and says "Quit. Right now. This is RIDICULOUS!" I have these inner laws that when broken have consequences. (Oh, hello there consequences- we barely know each other huh?) When I break my laws I pay for it. And because of that honesty I damn well know it, too.

Another thing I did was opt out of going to a race with my husband today. It was two hours away, then he runs, then we drive two hours back. Kind of boring for the kids, I have other things I could do for me. Not going made me feel guilty, like he was sad we weren't going. So I asked, "Are you sad? Do you want us to go?" He said, "No! It's OK if you don't go!" So there's a third thing that keeps my house clean: believe what people tell you. I have a horrid habit of scurrying around in my brain trying to eek out what people are really thinking. Or maybe they are saying what they are really thinking and I am just trying to make them say what I'm thinking.

My brain works so hard.

So instead of standing out in the cold with the kiddos while my husband runs up a mountain I'm blogging. And boxing things up. Doing some yoga. (Oh! My new place I've been going! OH!) I'm making myself do things when my brain says don't. And doing things different when my brain feels uncomfortable and like I am being totally rude. I am unsubscribing to all the junk mail that clogs my inner in box. It's just as easy as opting out.

And For the Win.....

Remember how you decided to try something? And then it worked? 

The media free thing worked. We had dinner a little early. I was actually present and not flopping from email and Facebook to refereeing the kiddos. Each child had a long bath. Lots of stories. Youngest was asleep by eight. Oldest and I lounged about reading our books and making idle chit chat. Bedtime was a happy thing. 

Remember how, when you put your foot down, it kind of sucked, but then it was totally worth it? 

Boundaries y'all. Concentrating on what makes life work, and then doing it. Keeping trying. And coaching yourself in your head that you are doing just fine, with sympathy when you mess it up a bit. "You'll do better next time" instead of "You've ruined it forever". And realizing that things take time. So if it doesn't look exactly like what you want it to today, that doesn't subtract from the effort. Making a life is hard good work.

And loads of deep breaths. :)

(Not) Crossing the Line

Yesterday was a two bowl of ice cream after dinner kind of day. With a big bowl of marshmallow oaties after that to crunch down the well of sadness.

Well, that's pitiful, ain't it?

Actually, I spent most of yesterday trying not to cry at work, then crying some at my women's meeting. Then a little more in the parking lot after with my dear friend Amy. But then there was a little dinner to make, and my folks were here so that was good. The kiddos went to be without complaint- youngest singing himself to sleep, oldest with contraband video game buried under the covers. I didn't have the energy to have him not to, or to read youngest a story. It was a bury your head and eat kind of night.

It should have been a connect and feel some love kind of night. Sometimes what we want (ice cream) isn't really what we need (love).

I'm reading another great book and the last bit I read was about boundaries, and also compassion.

So I started thinking about setting boundaries for the kids, and how I am really really bad at that ("second chance queen" might be my nickname, or maybe "don't do that, oh well it's OK") and how (F.O.B.) (flash of brilliance) I am totally bad at that for me too!

And then I started wondering about who is making the rules around here anyway?

It seems like I have one really really good hard fast rule: DON'T DRINK.

And then things get a little muddle-y and cloud-ly and I sort of don't really have any other rules. Well, damn.

I feel like was kind of ruled-to-death as a child, so I'm really glad to break all rules and stomp over all the fences. As in "Ha HA! You can't tell me what to do! See? I just did just what I wanted. So THERE!" I practice extreme boundary breaking. My drinking was my biggest boundary buster: "I can drink as much as I want and you can't stop me!" And then my body wouldn't even stop me by throwing up or passing out or making the hangovers so so terrible that I never wanted to drink again. (well, then again on the hangover part.....)

But, wait. Boundaries are good. Without them we'd be all over the place. And I like rules, funnily enough. I like limits, and reasons. Ones that keep me sane.

Boundaries can also be really friendly ways to not have to have the morning mental beat down. I am so much better at not having it, but I still wake up and do a kind of inventory: "Oh. What time is it? What day is it? Oh. I ate two bowls of ice cream last night. And that cereal too. And I cried all day. And didn't even really look the children in the eye. Oh. well, shit."

And that is not the way to wake up. Boundaries can be a good way of preventing regrets. If I'd had boundaries (simple rules for myself- truths that stick for the way I know I like to live my life) then I.....well, I can't really say. But for me, for at this time in my life, some boundaries seem like a pretty good idea.

Things like:

Not checking Facebook and email fourteen times after dinner. How about not at all? The computer has become a big time suck for me. It kind of gets in the way of me connecting with the real people and dogs around here. I check every morning- sometimes I'm on it for a few hours in the morning! That is enough.

Or not eating after dinner. Have a little dessert after dinner, but don't take ice cream and sesame sticks and bowls of cashews up to snack on in bed. That feels like I'm taking care of myself, but it's really sabotaging me mentally and physically in an irritating way.

Those two are good.

Oh, and one more. When discipling the children ( That is a total typo that I like that better than "Disciplining") stick to it. Be fair and firm. I will disciple them. Spread the word about manners, and not calling your brother a stupid poop head.

I'm going to start with the second one. It's OK for me to try the other two out, but for this week the only really really good hard fast rules are these:

DON'T DRINK
NO LATE NIGHT SNACKS

Cool. Simple Boundaries. Little Life Rules. I think I'm finally ready for some. Boundaries can help prevent regrets. Life management. Not everything is OK. And that is.....OK. :)