How to be Sick

 

Does it seem like I'm always at the doctor? Here's another selfie, this one from urgent care on Monday when I had what felt like strep throat. My hair looks lovely but I feel like total shit. 

I felt pretty worn out on Sunday, I took an at home Covid test and it was negative so I kept the walking date I had that morning. By Sunday afternoon I felt exhausted, heavy. Rest I thought. I just need a good night's sleep. 

I woke up Monday morning and it was clear I was sick. I had several things to do on Monday- clients, a meeting for a class I'm taking, and not just clients, one of the appointments a brand new client who was considering working with me. OH NO I thought. How can I make all these things happen? How can I just get through it?

Then, the sweet moment of realization that I did not have to make anything happen. I was sick. It is normal to be sick. It is normal to cancel everything when you are sick. Relief, then dread, thick dread. It felt wrong, and weird to think that way. What would my clients think? What about the brand new person? What a terrible impression to have to reschedule our first meeting. What about my classmates? They'll think I don't care. 

I had the out of body experience I have when I understand that my training is at work and I am living in my habit instead of being in the moment. I become two people: the old me, the one who thinks people judge you for canceling and it destroys your credibility and I am not really that sick, I am just lazy and dumb and careless. Ouch. Then the this me, the 50 year old who has been in recovery for almost 10 years and therapy for 7 years and working so hard to know what's real me gently comes in. She knows not to rush, or be loud. She mothers me, tenderly. This me knows what's real. 

I have to break it down into the most basic of basics in actual conversation with myself because I am still young in my practice of this kind of knowing about things. Wait Amy, 50 year old me says, without force or agenda. You are sick. You can feel it. You know what you're talking about. What would you tell someone else or your clients? Tell yourself that too. Now, what would you say? 

I answer myself, shyly. I would say if you're sick you take care of yourself. That being sick is not a character failing, but something that happens to everyone. That people are understanding. That if they aren't understanding those aren't your people. That to be in my integrity I cancel everything. I go to the doctor to make sure I don't have strep. And then I go to bed until I'm well. Old me and 50 year old me look each other in the eye. Together we open my email, we text clients to reschedule. No one is mad, or disappointed- they know who I am. We make the doctor appointment. Together. 

Often I am so angry at the part of me that kept me drinking and numb for so long. The part that made me work when I was actually sick, that never let me see how bad things were. TWENTY SEVEN YEARS!!! I want to scream at that part, over and over. I want to be so angry at it, to burn it down, to shame it and hurt it and reject it and ask it how on earth could you be so fucking foolish while I'm standing there close in so it can see the anguish of what it's done. 

It knows. She knows. I know. 

I am to the point where I am starting to feel my feelings and recognize my true feeling. I don't know how to say it better than plain like that. When you master numbing out for the majority of your life there are fathoms and trenches to tirelessly swim through before you feel the tiny jolt of aliveness that matches what you're truly actually really feeling. Oh, I will think. I FEEL MAD. Oh. 

It seems like such a simple thing: to be sick. And then to take the normal steps that you take when you are sick, that are new steps to me. What a glorious moment! To recognize myself and to openly care for myself in front of people. It feels monumental. 

Opt Out

This morning I opened my email and slogged through all the unnecessary stuff I delete every day without reading it. All of the sudden I realized- Heyyyyyyyy......I can unsubscribe. I can clean up my in box and not spend time every day wondering about these random emails that I never open, or intend to open later, or just delete instantly.

My inbox is like my life. Our impending move has given me invitation to reflect about my time here in this house. The first few years in this town. It's made me think about how much I have changed in almost two and a half years. The bulk of it in this past year alone.

Wow! I have done some big ass self-house cleaning. I did spring ones and fall ones and daily ones and unplanned ones. I have slowly but surely been getting my inner space in order. It gives me such a feeling of contentment to look back and realize this progress. I encourage you, no matter where you are, to think back on the days you've spent minding your self.

I've been thinking about what makes it work- what makes things actually cleaned up and not just shoved under the rug.

Being honest with myself has been the hugest biggest hugest thing that has really gotten things going. At the very beginning of my sobriety: "Am I really an alcoholic?" "YES!!!!" And then "Am I really this sad?" "YES!!!" followed by "Am I really afraid of that? And this?" "YES!!!" The inside honest made it easier to take: "Is there hope for me?" "YES!!!" and "Am I doing this right?" "DOUBLE YES!!!"

All that yes didn't come without no. "Can I continue to use cookies to get me through the rough stuff?" "NO."  "Can I please take the easy way out today?" "NO." "Is it ok for me to take my shit out on other people?" "NO WAY." "Can I drink again?" "TRIPLE NO WAY EVER!"

I'm towards the end of a Whole30. It's reminded me of the tied for number one thing that has helped me get things really deep clean: boundaries. Rules. Things I say yes or no to no matter what. Guidelines I follow every day that don't change on whims and winds. When my inner spoiled brat pipes up and says "Quit. Right now. This is RIDICULOUS!" I have these inner laws that when broken have consequences. (Oh, hello there consequences- we barely know each other huh?) When I break my laws I pay for it. And because of that honesty I damn well know it, too.

Another thing I did was opt out of going to a race with my husband today. It was two hours away, then he runs, then we drive two hours back. Kind of boring for the kids, I have other things I could do for me. Not going made me feel guilty, like he was sad we weren't going. So I asked, "Are you sad? Do you want us to go?" He said, "No! It's OK if you don't go!" So there's a third thing that keeps my house clean: believe what people tell you. I have a horrid habit of scurrying around in my brain trying to eek out what people are really thinking. Or maybe they are saying what they are really thinking and I am just trying to make them say what I'm thinking.

My brain works so hard.

So instead of standing out in the cold with the kiddos while my husband runs up a mountain I'm blogging. And boxing things up. Doing some yoga. (Oh! My new place I've been going! OH!) I'm making myself do things when my brain says don't. And doing things different when my brain feels uncomfortable and like I am being totally rude. I am unsubscribing to all the junk mail that clogs my inner in box. It's just as easy as opting out.