Big Wooden Door

This is me six months ago. I'm the one on the left. Or maybe the right. No, definitely me in the middle. 

This picture looks like what drinking felt like to me. Like I had my head stuck in the middle of a big wooden door. It was heavy, and uncomfortable. My family is in there, too. Stuck just like me. And there's my life, trapped as well. But doesn't it look fun? Woo hoo, life of the party right there! Hand me another Prosecco!

Maybe this is the picture they should put on bottles of beer. Because it represents what drinking is really like. I mean, I suppose not for those people who can have one beer or two. (What is the point? Really?) So they can have regular labels. But for those of us that drink like I used to we get these. Would it help? Help if reality was staring you in the face every time you took a sip? I dunno, I think I would have just turned the bottle around and kept right on chugging.

Every day I try to figure out why I stopped this time. Why? What happened? Why was that day different? And all the days after that? 

Now, let me clarify. This is not a study in self torture- more like a wonderment. It kind of sounds like a puzzle and a bunch of gratitude all rolled into one. 

The other day I found a video I made of myself to myself on my phone last fall. It was me, telling me not to drink. Something along the lines of..."Later you are going to want to drink. Don't do it. NO MATTER WHAT." I can look at myself in that video and see that I am lying. I was totally going to be downing sauvignon blanc later that day. And for a few more months after that.

Sobriety is such a process. I began, in earnest, in January or December two years before I actually quit drinking. I was sober-ish for almost four months (Longer than now- but I can't remember if I drank a little here and there then. I think I did.) I felt great. But I started up again. My job went south. I had a hernia and couldn't run. More stuff. Bring on the binge. Bring on the funk.

And it was funky. At the end of my drinking I was a big ol' mess. Fighting with husband. Ignoring the children. Sort of letting life wobble and steadily unravel. Wandering around with that door on my neck. Lugging it everywhere. Ugh.

I finally had to trust myself. I finally had to believe myself when I said "I don't want to drink anymore" for the five millionth time. I had to put that damn door down or resign myself to a lifetime spent carrying it instead of just the twenty years or so I had been.

Getting sober is about truth, and also lying. Except that the truth is that you cannot drink, and the lying is you telling yourself that you are quite lovely, and wonderful. That you are perfectly OK even when you are at your craziest. Pretty much the exact opposite of drinking: when you told yourself it was OK to drink, and the lying was you bashing yourself over and over telling yourself what a failure and suckball you were.

Getting sober, to me, is this: You take this person, this you, and you start to care for her.You make her trust her. You refuse to hurt her, or be mean to her. You are flat out honest with her. Even when honest is really hard. You hold her when she is fragile and scared, and laughing hug her when she gets it right- or feels comfy in her skin. You encourage her. You forgive her past, her mistakes. You make her responsible for what she does. You make her want to live beyond even her wildest dreams because there you are, holding your own hand for the scary parts. You take the door away from her. You throw her hands into the air on a bike for her. Because, you love her.

HIGH FIVE Sunday 2.17.13

Hi!

High five Sunday today. I'm going to tell you good stuff about my week, and how many days I've been sober. Then you can tell me stuff too and I'll cheer for you. Right here. Online. And I also do some cheering outloud. Which scares the dogs a little until they realize it's good and then tail wagging all around. Myself included.

This week on Monday, Tuesday, AND Wednesday the kiddos and I watched no TV. We played outside, we played cards, we went to the library. We had a fucking great time and everyone behaved beautifully. (Mostly) I think TV sucks the creativity right out of them and would throw it out the window but then how would I watch the Shah's of Sunset Reunion tonight? :)

Trust. Big thoughts on the horizon.

I have still not made any decision about job stuff. Because I'm practicing that waiting-on-it stuff.

I still cannot spell becasue right the first time. Ever. I cherish these little tiny opportunities to laugh at myself. It's our own private joke. And y'all's too.

I cleaned the dining room and put all the dusty wine glasses away in a cabinet. I was drinking my seltzer treat out of them for a while, then without notice or fanfare I was drinking it out of our regular drinking glasses. Well. Heh heh. Progress.

I'm seventy three days sober. Yee-HAW! Sobriety rocks. Thanks for reading , and commenting, and letting me be me. Sometimes there ain't enough gratitude in the world so THANK YOU.

And HIGH FIVE!!!! Wha-POW!

HIGH FIVE! Sunday 1.27.13

Another week gone by- they fly and sputter all at the same time. On Sundays sometimes I have another blog post I want to write, but then I remind myself that there has to be time out for cheering and encouragement. High five reminds me to think about what's been good about my week, and to give myself a few pats on the back for getting through it. I always want to hear what's been good for you, too- so I can give you a high five and a rock on you rule! -even if the thing you're most proud of is walking the dog on Tuesday. (which I did not do, so good on ya!)

I'm sober fifty-two days today. La la la! I had the non-trapped mind shift. That's worthy of a little statuette. :) I stopped my restrictive diet and have been being gentle with myself when I eat a PB & J, or an entire box of these Moondance chocolate chip cookie bars. The Girl Scout Cookies are coming soon. Lord help me.

HIGH FIVE! Sunday 1.20.13

This is kind of what I looked like last Sunday, upstairs in bed dying. It's taken a week but I am feeling better. High five to that! Once again we welcome back High Five Sunday. Here's where you can comment about something or things that were high five-able about your week. It/they can be big or small or even medium. And you can include your days/weeks/months/years sober too. Or sober intentions. And I will shower you with friendly words of encouragement.

I'm forty-five days sober today. :) Holy shit.

HIGH FIVE! Sunday 1.06.13

Bonjour! Here's where you can comment about something or things that were high five-able about your week. It/they can be big or small or even medium. And you can include your days/weeks/months/years sober too. Or sober intentions. And I will shower you with friendly words of encouragement.

Y'all, I organized a closet and some kitchen cabinets this week. I can see all the spices. The vacuum is now in a closet and not hanging out by the dresser at the end of the bed. This will sound like a cliché but here it goes anyway: I'm getting my life together.

Sometimes it's about The BIG Stuff: I quit drinking. Then it becomes more about the small stuff: I cleaned a closet.

But really, it's about this one thing: I'm tending to my life. High five.

HIGH FIVE! Sunday 12.30.12

Once again, here's where you can post about something or things that was high five-able about your week. It/they can be big or small or even medium. And you can include your days/weeks/months/years sober too. And I will shower you with friendly words of encouragement.

Since I'm here right now, I'll go first.

Some people will say I'm crazy, and if you did, well...that might be like you knew me. Lucky for me crazy means silly and off the wall instead of I need an army of therapists. (Hmmm. I might, however, need those too.) BUT! I gave up sugar this week. I ate too many Christmas goodies and I was getting a bit doughy. (wahn wahn wahn... ba dum bum)

Sugar was making me feel like shit. I, however, just kept right on shoving cookies into my mouth night and day. (No need to wait for 5 o'clock for cookies!) I'd have two or three when I got home from work. Then four or five after dinner. Then another three or five before I went up to bed. (*note: I go to bed about 8:30 or 9:00. Not a lot of time between dinner and heading upstairs. I was out of control!) The wine was gone, and in it's place...

I started to feel like this:

 (Impetus behind cookie bingeing: I read in one of my I-got-sober memoirs that she ate candy in bed every night and it helped. So this was my excuse. It sounds familiar, right? Weeeeelllllll....other people can drink a few times a week/eat candy in bed every night and be fine...I'm sure it's OK for me too.) But myself was not buying it.

Y'all, there's this part of me now that sticks up for me. It whispers, "Hey. Hold up. Don't do that. That will make you feel like crap- in your bod and in your head." And then there's this part of me that listens. They cooperate to make sure I keep feeling good. Oh.

Whoa.

I had to sit here for a while and think on that. Twenty-four days sober today. High five.

HIGH FIVE! Sunday 12.23.12

 

WELCOME TO HIGH FIVE SUNDAY!!!!!

Here's where you can post about something or things that was high five-able about your week. It/they can be big or small or even medium. And you can include your days/weeks/months/years sober too. And I will shower you with friendly words of encouragement. 

I'll start. 

Last night the kiddos were together in the tub. Which mostly always goes sour at some point. (But they always want to take a bath together. Hmmmm.) Last night it was all about a floating frisbee. (twenty seven toys in the tub and they always want the same one) "I want the frisbee!" "NO! I WANT THE FRISBEE!" Scuffle, splash, grab...youngest hits oldest. Me in calm soft voice making youngest get out of tub. Drying him off. Not talking. Being gentle. Putting on pj's. Having a story. After things have calmed down looking him in the eyes telling him not to hit. Bedtime was saved! And I was not a tired screechy banshee. (Well, I was tired, but I was not a banshee) Go me! 

I said "no" to a friend this week when I needed to, and she really wanted me to say "yes". Phew!

I am seventeen days today. :)