Dinner with Amy

Y'all, I had a visit and dinner with my asked for and answered universe new sober friend Amy. We laughed hysterically at general silliness of selves and children, and then had some suddenly deep as shit conversation. It was incredible to actually face to face talk to someone who has had so many of the same struggles I've had. I can see now why AA has such pull- a sympathetic ear is a balm to the soul. I felt more OK in my own skin today just from the compassion I was gifted. 

I have been having a bit of a rough time, not all the time, but just that adjusting thing that keeps happening. I am practicing so hard being kind to me in my own head, but it's a hard habit to break. It's so hard especially since it's mostly unconscious and definitely unwarranted. Sometimes I just say, "You're OK, you're OK, you're OK" to myself just to be OK.

But last night I heard someone else say it. "You're OK." Amy said it like she meant it. And she said, "I understand" and it made me feel like I wasn't my own brand of crazy. That my to's and fro's are just regular back and forth. She looked at me with kindness and that has reminded me all day to keep looking that way, at other people and at me. I'd been not noticing closing my heart, putting up some protection: a shell to guard my delicate new self. Our visit last night made me realize that I have to open my heart wider, not cover it over.

Early sobriety is hard, and the early middle is harder. It's nice to have a friend to help carry the burden, another hand on the bucket. Thanks universe. And Amy's.

A Sober Friend: Update

A few weeks back I sent it out there: a prayer, a wish, a little note to the world.

"I wish I had a sober friend."

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I have a friend of a dear friend on Facebook. Amy and I became friends since we had Beth as a mutual friend, and Beth said something to the effect of "Y'all should be friends, you're so much alike!" And so this other Amy and I have been Facebook friends for months. We live about an hour away from each other. We are both Amy's, we both like birds, and plants, and yoga. We both have 2 children, we were both born in April. We both love Anne Lamott. We have the same political and religious leanings. 

Suddenly, out of the blue today while I was searching for cranberry sauce at work this woman I've never seen before says, "Amy!" I look at her, puzzled. She says, "It's me! Amy!" We hug, grin, and finally meet in person. Awesome!!!!

But that is NOT EVEN THE HOLY SHIT PART.

She goes to get a bite to eat, and I go back to work. She comes over to where I am to say bye and we start talking about when we can get together. We talk about my house, or a park, kids or no kids. She says, "We could get dinner! But, I mean it doesn't have to be a bar." 

Are you ready?

I say, "Oh, that's fine. I don't drink anyway."

She looks at me wide eyed. "OH! I'M SOBER TOO!!!!!!" 

Me to universe: "I wish I had a sober friend who was a lot like me"

Universe to me: "Amy? Meet Amy." 

WOW! WOWIE WOWIE WOW! :)

A Sober Friend

I've had the blues lately- and from what I'm reading I haven't been alone. What is it about this spring that makes it all so bittersweet? I've been going through the motions, but I swear if I didn't have to work and take care of my family I would have been buried under the covers with yogurt pretzels and cookies watching Bravo for days now. So thank god for them.

It's hard to explain. This is one reason why I wish I had a sober friend- a friend I can see, or call. Who can hug me and cry with me and make me laugh. But, like Belle and Fern I bristle at the thought of AA. It is not me. If it were I would have been there by now. (And, it should go without saying but maybe it needs saying so here's this: I'm not against AA. I don't know much about it, but I just get that feeling that it isn't what I'd like. I believe in whatever keeps you sober. So AA it up if that's your thing and I will high five you all day. Deep breath.)

But this post is not about AA.

I think I've mentioned before that I kind of thought that by getting sober the world would sort of hug me back. A lot. Kind of like "I see all your effort, you just won the lottery!" Well, not that drastic, but maybe just make things a little easier.

In my early sobriety (like early early- when days weren't even months) I felt more purposed. Now I feel very flail-y and disconnected. Like I am making all this effort to be sober but I need to be plugged in to other outlets besides running, blogging, and thinking about being sober.

I think I need a sober friend.

Where the heck do you get one of those? I'm reading this book called MWF Seeking BFF. It's about making friends, and it's pretty interesting. Here's the rub: You can't (or you can, I can't) just blurt out things about drinking and problems and getting sober to just anybody. (Unless you're at an AA meeting: see above) It's not like you are in conversation and you're all: "Oh! I love to read and cook and run too! We have so much in common! Were you a horrid black out drunk too?" The silence might be deafening. And also embarrassing. And then as you watch the other person run away you might think you've over shared.

Plus, I have requirements. You have to be funny. And trustworthy. I don't like gossip. I do like food. I am sarcastic. Shy-ish. I do not give a shit about shoes, or shopping. I like to be outside. I cannot stand women who are nice in person and then get all snarky and behind your back-ish when you aren't around. No religious fanatics need apply: God knows the deal. Be on time, and don't be a waffler. (you know, someone who makes plans and then flakes. Over and over.) You have to like children. And dogs. You should be a little crazy and/or weird. And you MUST BE SOBER.

Did I really just say that?

It used to be that one of my biggest requirements for a friend was: MUST LOVE DRINKING. A LOT.

Meaning: please don't raise your eyebrows when I'm on my fifth glass of wine- we're just getting warmed up. Meaning: don't get all judgmental because I don't remember what we talked about. Meaning: don't be mad because I said some things I shouldn't have- I was drunk.

Lord.

A sober friend search. I'll keep you posted.