Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Dinner with Amy

Y'all, I had a visit and dinner with my asked for and answered universe new sober friend Amy. We laughed hysterically at general silliness of selves and children, and then had some suddenly deep as shit conversation. It was incredible to actually face to face talk to someone who has had so many of the same struggles I've had. I can see now why AA has such pull- a sympathetic ear is a balm to the soul. I felt more OK in my own skin today just from the compassion I was gifted. 

I have been having a bit of a rough time, not all the time, but just that adjusting thing that keeps happening. I am practicing so hard being kind to me in my own head, but it's a hard habit to break. It's so hard especially since it's mostly unconscious and definitely unwarranted. Sometimes I just say, "You're OK, you're OK, you're OK" to myself just to be OK.

But last night I heard someone else say it. "You're OK." Amy said it like she meant it. And she said, "I understand" and it made me feel like I wasn't my own brand of crazy. That my to's and fro's are just regular back and forth. She looked at me with kindness and that has reminded me all day to keep looking that way, at other people and at me. I'd been not noticing closing my heart, putting up some protection: a shell to guard my delicate new self. Our visit last night made me realize that I have to open my heart wider, not cover it over.

Early sobriety is hard, and the early middle is harder. It's nice to have a friend to help carry the burden, another hand on the bucket. Thanks universe. And Amy's.


  1. Awh, sweetie. I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling but very happy to hear you've found a new IRL sober friend and that you're keeping on. You are MORE THAN OK. You are doing great. Ups and downs and all. Seriously. You really are. That you are learning and growing and opening your heart and actively seeking out what you need to stay sober - and getting it. That is all great. Booze doesn't make these ups and downs of life any easier. It just obliterates them without the rewards of sobriety and with the punishment of poisoning oneself. Early sobriety is hard but drinking is hard too, let me remind you as one closer to that reality than you.

    You are MUCH MORE than ok. You are wonderful and special and smart and S O B E R.

    Lilly xo

    1. I'm coming to realize that booze was just a symptom of something bigger. And that getting sober helps tremendously! And I really, really am feeling terrific for the most part. I was thinking about how that doesn't really come across in my posts. Time for a new post! A happy one!

      Thanks for being part of my life Lilly! :)

      p.s. do more exclamation marks seem more upbeat? ;)

  2. Amy, I have followed your journey and marvelled at the new beginnings you have uncovered. I love how your warmth and generous spirit shine through your writing. Sharing and journalling the process of working things out the way you do here has helped many others struggling to keep the wolf at bay and laying yourself bare is not an easy thing to do. I am so glad you have found a soul sister to share the ups & downs with you, a friend who understands can just sometimes soften the hard days and make the path a little smoother. You should stand a little taller, smile softly at yourself and recognise that you are wonderful. Take care

    1. Thank you for your kind words! Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed at all the *me-ness* I'm unearthing. It feels so good to be honest and real and here. A real friend to hug is a great thing!

      *sttretches taller, smiles*

  3. Oh my sober sister...I so remember how you are feeling right now. I am still trying to figure out who I am but instead of second guessing everything I'm learning to enjoy the journey. I no longer feel like everything I do is WRONG. Now it's more like, hmmm...what about that was RIGHT. Such a different perspective.

    I'm also learning that being "okay" is, in fact, okay! That I don't always have to be floating on a cloud or miserable beyond words. No drama is fabulous. Okay is okay.

    And you my sober friend are definitely okay. You're better than okay. You are amazing.


  4. Sober friends are awesome! So happy you have found a friend in Amy. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone else who "gets" it. I don't get out with my sober friends as much as I would like, but that's why I love the blogging community! You're always here! Thanks for sharing and keep at it!

  5. couldn't have happened to a nicer girl. now you're Amy x 2, or Amy squared. I like the expression "my own brand of crazy." see, i thought i was the only one with one of those... hugs from me.