Saturday, December 15, 2012

Gasping for Air

I woke up hungover again Friday, December 7, 2012. I woke up a few times, barely reaching consciousness when the kids brought up the french toast I'd promised to make, mumbling some sort of goodbye when my husband took them to school. I'd had who knows how many beers and cigarettes the night before. I finally woke up enough to get out of bed at 12:40 PM. My day off mostly gone. Sad because I didn't get up to practice spelling words with my oldest who had his classroom spelling bee that day. Suffocating because the truth was big and huge and staring me right in the puffy face. "You must quit drinking or you will lose it all."

I've been promising myself I was going to quit drinking for as long as I can remember. Journals from my early twenties until now all declare my intent to give up booze and start living. My most fervent wish in all these writings is to give up alcohol. And why, why it clicked on that day? And did it? Or am I on day 3 of sobriety again only to cave at day 5 because I feel OK again, OK enough to drink, to smoke cigarettes- because I deserve it, that's why. And everyone isn't perfect, certainly not me. And it's not every day, only one or three times a week. Big deal. So why the fuck not? Who cares anyway? The kids don't notice I'm half drunk during bath time and stories, and I'm sure my husband doesn't notice that by the time he gets home I am a few drinks away from blacking out. And I manage to get up and go to work, or save these binges for nights when I have the next day off and the kids are either in school or can play video games and watch TV all day while I sleep it off, unable to come down and play with them because I feel like total shit. I tell myself they'd rather be playing video games anyway, and the dogs like laying around all day, and that lazy days are what everyone needs, right? Right.

I did something different this time. I called in sick to work two days in a row, not hungover, but as a tender gesture to myself that playing "life is normal life is normal" isn't going to work anymore. I am terrified- TERRIFIED that I cannot remain sober and will have to trip and roll in my own homemade gutter hundreds of more times before I die from loneliness and shame. My broken self hunched over in front of my two glorious children who grow up to become glorious in spite of me not because me. 

I have been reading blogs written by people JUST LIKE ME. This helps immensely, and I always do better when I have some words to read, to balm my crazy mind with a layer of clear-coat healing. I emailed an author of one of these blogs, and she emailed me back

I am tired of being afraid to admit that I have a problem with alcohol. A big one. I cannot drink if I want my life to shine. Period. 

I have a drinking problem. And I want to be sober. And alive. And free. 

14 comments:

  1. welcome to the world of the sober :) you rock. congrats for bravely going where you knew you needed to go ...

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  2. Hi Amy,
    I found your blog over at tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking. I'm just starting - day 3. I was so touched reading your first entry. I feel so similar. I know I have to stop. I'm thinking of starting my own blog too because I really don't know how I'll handle the anxiety. I wish you the best on your journey. Be strong! ~Lucy

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    1. Lucy! Welcome! Just starting is hard and exciting. Getting up early every day has made it much easier for me to not drink. I have a "responsibility" to me and people who read this to stay sober. I do not want to have to write the "I drank yesterday" post. AT ALL.

      Plus. I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Get some yummy non-boozy drinks to treat yourself to so when that drink voice pops up you're ready. I love seltzer with a splash of ruby red grapefruit. And be really, really nice to yourself because you are doing a really, really hard thing. Feel free to email me anytime for support. :) You are worth being you. :)

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    2. I've been reading Soberbia for about a month now but have been hesitant to join the 100 Day Challenge. Today I saw Lucy's post and asked myself "why am I hesitant?" The answer was that I am afraid to fail. I've failed every other time I've tried to quit. So I thought about it all day as I dragged myself through another hung-over day of mediocrity. I just signed up. Life has so much more to offer and I'm tired of being afraid of failing. Thanks for your help -- and good luck to everyone out there fighting this beast.

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  3. Nice post & made me cry a bit. I could have written many of the same things. I also found your blog through tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking & am looking forward to following you on your journey as start my own.

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    1. Hey Leigh! I'm looking forward to hearing from you again. :)

      Amy

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  4. This is awesome, magnificent and strong. I totally, totally feel you when you say 'on day 3 only to cave on day 5'.

    Freaking awesome, you're at 6 months away from this very day. :)

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  5. I too have had this conversation with myself. I'm Day 13. Thanks for being brave enough to write about this, where I can read it.

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  6. I just read your blog for the first time. I am having all the same feelings that you had then. The guilt I feel everytime that a glass of wine turns into a bottle, then my children just fade into the background. I carry guilt all the time and am sick of being sick about drinking. I think your blog is a wonderful way to let people know they are not alone in this.

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  7. drinking wine not a bottle but nearly and easily. - its my best friend but I know its killing me slowly. a functional alcoholic. I drink only at night never miss work . Ive scared off the last two relationships with men. Im just about 61 and since 1992 have drank nearly every night. I am just about ready to quit. need help .....

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  8. Thank you--for being strong enough to put your journey into words. Today, I feel every emotion you've put into words here, and probably felt on that day in 2012. Today, my journey begins.

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  9. Thank you. I needed to find this blog today.

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  10. starting to read your blog today. I am so searching for help either through online or AA or another community. I see myself in you on this first blog minus the children. Can not wait to follow your journey. I hope it helps me

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