7 AM I'm huddled under the covers. The bedroom is dark, dark. My breath reeks of booze and cigarettes. I'm fuzzy and on the surface of sleep. I can hear one of the children stirring. Ugh. Why do they have to get up sooooo early? (As if this is some sort of new thing. Like they normally sleep 'til noon, what's this sudden waking up around 7 o'clock thing?) I send them down to watch TV or play Wii. That will give me another hour (or three depending how hungover I am). I finally get out of bed around 10 o'clock, glare at the overflowing laundry basket, overwhelmed by all the things I think I need to do. I'm already thinking about naptime.
I used to try to tell myself that those hungover mornings were ok because it wasn't every morning. I cringe at the excuses I often offered myself to make the way I drank seem kosher. I feel so desperately sad for that woman. I want to gather her into my arms and lead her out of it, wrap her in a warm sweater and make her whole again. Make her unafraid to be alive again, let her know that she is just fine, just the way she is.
Here in the Sober Days:
7AM I woke up a little after 5 o'clock. I checked on the boys, came downstairs and made a cup of tea. I've been thinking, writing my daily email to my sober pen pal, and working on my blog. I've got plans to make a grocery list and head out for a run. I feel amazing. Clear, and here. Not wrapped in the smog of a guilt laden hangover. HERE. Available to do things like start laundry, and make breakfast. I don't feel bewildered, I feel like a million bucks. I feel like I am alive. This rocks.
Ten days into my sobriety and I feel like a totally different person. I can actually see, in my mind's eye, my old sad self: a whole separate woman from who I am now. The biggest relief comes from not having to hide anymore, not having to pretend I feel fine when I don't. Not having to act like I didn't have too much to drink last night. Not faking remembering a conversation or something I said or did because in truth I have no idea what you're talking about.
Being sober isn't easy. Hard things never are. But on days like this it's the easiest thing in the world. Just like Sunday morning.
I used to try to tell myself that those hungover mornings were ok because it wasn't every morning. I cringe at the excuses I often offered myself to make the way I drank seem kosher. I feel so desperately sad for that woman. I want to gather her into my arms and lead her out of it, wrap her in a warm sweater and make her whole again. Make her unafraid to be alive again, let her know that she is just fine, just the way she is.
Here in the Sober Days:
7AM I woke up a little after 5 o'clock. I checked on the boys, came downstairs and made a cup of tea. I've been thinking, writing my daily email to my sober pen pal, and working on my blog. I've got plans to make a grocery list and head out for a run. I feel amazing. Clear, and here. Not wrapped in the smog of a guilt laden hangover. HERE. Available to do things like start laundry, and make breakfast. I don't feel bewildered, I feel like a million bucks. I feel like I am alive. This rocks.
Ten days into my sobriety and I feel like a totally different person. I can actually see, in my mind's eye, my old sad self: a whole separate woman from who I am now. The biggest relief comes from not having to hide anymore, not having to pretend I feel fine when I don't. Not having to act like I didn't have too much to drink last night. Not faking remembering a conversation or something I said or did because in truth I have no idea what you're talking about.
Being sober isn't easy. Hard things never are. But on days like this it's the easiest thing in the world. Just like Sunday morning.
hooray for you :) your sunday morning sounds lovely and lively and happy ... just like you :)
ReplyDeletethanks. :)It was a thousand times more rewarding to run in the rain than to sleep off a hangover.
DeleteCongrats on 10 days. It's a BIG deal. I thought 10 days was harder than a month, honestly! I like the dichotomy in your post today. This is great for me to read. Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts. You help us all continue to heal. Enjoy your boys. (my kids are 13 & 10)... Sober holidays are fun. Lisa
ReplyDelete10 days seems like such a short time when you think of it, but then like such a huge accomplishment. Thanks for reading. :)
DeleteWow, I found ur blog and had to start from the beginning. Who knew there were many women like me. You write about not hiding anymore, not faking to remember conversations the night before, the chore list that's ignored, kids ignored b/c of your drinking. Thanks for sharing, it helps me and others know we are not alone and what we can have too if we just hold on one more day. Looking forward to read all ur entries. My sons are 12 & 14.
ReplyDeleteB.
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