I've had the blues lately- and from what I'm reading I haven't been alone. What is it about this spring that makes it all so bittersweet? I've been going through the motions, but I swear if I didn't have to work and take care of my family I would have been buried under the covers with yogurt pretzels and cookies watching Bravo for days now. So thank god for them.
It's hard to explain. This is one reason why I wish I had a sober friend- a friend I can see, or call. Who can hug me and cry with me and make me laugh. But, like Belle and Fern I bristle at the thought of AA. It is not me. If it were I would have been there by now. (And, it should go without saying but maybe it needs saying so here's this: I'm not against AA. I don't know much about it, but I just get that feeling that it isn't what I'd like. I believe in whatever keeps you sober. So AA it up if that's your thing and I will high five you all day. Deep breath.)
But this post is not about AA.
I think I've mentioned before that I kind of thought that by getting sober the world would sort of hug me back. A lot. Kind of like "I see all your effort, you just won the lottery!" Well, not that drastic, but maybe just make things a little easier.
In my early sobriety (like early early- when days weren't even months) I felt more purposed. Now I feel very flail-y and disconnected. Like I am making all this effort to be sober but I need to be plugged in to other outlets besides running, blogging, and thinking about being sober.
I think I need a sober friend.
Where the heck do you get one of those? I'm reading this book called MWF Seeking BFF. It's about making friends, and it's pretty interesting. Here's the rub: You can't (or you can, I can't) just blurt out things about drinking and problems and getting sober to just anybody. (Unless you're at an AA meeting: see above) It's not like you are in conversation and you're all: "Oh! I love to read and cook and run too! We have so much in common! Were you a horrid black out drunk too?" The silence might be deafening. And also embarrassing. And then as you watch the other person run away you might think you've over shared.
Plus, I have requirements. You have to be funny. And trustworthy. I don't like gossip. I do like food. I am sarcastic. Shy-ish. I do not give a shit about shoes, or shopping. I like to be outside. I cannot stand women who are nice in person and then get all snarky and behind your back-ish when you aren't around. No religious fanatics need apply: God knows the deal. Be on time, and don't be a waffler. (you know, someone who makes plans and then flakes. Over and over.) You have to like children. And dogs. You should be a little crazy and/or weird. And you MUST BE SOBER.
Did I really just say that?
It used to be that one of my biggest requirements for a friend was: MUST LOVE DRINKING. A LOT.
Meaning: please don't raise your eyebrows when I'm on my fifth glass of wine- we're just getting warmed up. Meaning: don't get all judgmental because I don't remember what we talked about. Meaning: don't be mad because I said some things I shouldn't have- I was drunk.
A sober friend search. I'll keep you posted.